Feeling like SIL is competing with me about having kids first? Vent

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Honestly, it’s not a race. If you push for kids and aren’t ready for it yet, things could be a lot worse than losing to your SIL.

You’re sounding almost like her, upset if she has kids first cause no one will be as excited. That’s wrong, GP’s will always be happy for you and whatever baby number it is. Also there is your side of the family too, not just his side.

Focus on your happy marriage and don’t sink down to her level. Enjoy having no kids and just the two of you while you can. Stop obsessing over her and ignore it. Sounds like she’s just jealous.

Post # 3
Member
9858 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Babies are exiting. All babies. First baby, fifth baby, tenth baby. They are all exciting.

And her having a baby before you won’t make it any less exciting for you and your husband. Don’t worry about her and her drama. 

Post # 4
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

It’s not a competition if you don’t participate, but if you let yourself get sucked into matching her energy on this issue it will become a competition. Let yourself progress in your relationship with your Darling Husband at your own pace. It sounds like you guys have talked it out and have a good idea of when you would like to start trying, so I would just trust that conversation. If she wants to be insecure about her choices and who’s first, that’s her problem. I agree with suspend  and hikingbride that a grandbaby will be celebrated no matter what!

Post # 5
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee

My DHs parents have been grandparents since I was 2. Yup, 2 years old. (DH is 12 years older than me and his older sis had a kid at 15). 

They still want grandkids. Whereas my Mom, (I’m an only child) is like ‘No rush, I’m busy’ lol

Post # 6
Member
6653 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Yikes, it almost sounds like you have “baby fever” because you are engaging in this drama and want to “beat” her to having kids. And that’s about the most awful reason for having kids I know of. It should only be a competition in her imagination, not in real life. Grandparents are excited about grandchildren no matter what number they are, and again, having babies just so OTHER people can be excited about it is, well…. stupid. You are the ones who will be up all night, getting no sleep, changing diapers and trying to adjust to a baby. The grandparents will smile and congratulate you and go sleep in their quiet beds. And they will do the same whether your child is grandchild #1 or #21. Don’t have babies for them; don’t have babies to be first; don’t have babies to “win” in this ridiculous competition. Enjoy being married – just the two of you – and have a baby only after the two of you are ready. If you rush to having kids, you will regret not having the time for the two of you. Don’t rush the stage of life you are at; there’s plenty of time for you to have children and be a family, and you will be a happier, stronger family if you wait.

She can’t win if you don’t play.

Post # 7
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

Don’t stoop down to her level. You can justify it however you want, but just based on what your wrote, even to us it sounds like you’re in it for the win and not because you actually want a baby now.

If you make it into a race to the finish line, your insecurity will eventually show, just like hers is showing now.

Post # 8
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2017

My Granny was an extremely proud Grandmother, and was THRILLED for each and every one of her 19 (yes 19 haha) grandchildren. 

I really wouldnt worry about that at all. Dont get swept up in the negative space of life being a competition. Kids are a life long comittment – dont rush it.

 

Post # 9
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

lemmings01 :  I agree!

My maternal grandmother had 17 grandchildren with about 35 years between the oldest and the youngest, and it was the later ones who actually seemed to get more attention!

(Circumstances changed, grandparents moved closer to the others later in life, etc.)

Post # 10
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

Don’t let your SIL influence you to have kids for the sake of competition. Some distance from her would definitely do some good! Regardless if your SIL gets pregnant before you, you and Darling Husband should go on trips or something, do things you can’t really do as easily if you have kids. Just enjoy eachother! When the time for kids comes you’ll feel much more ready and happier. Forget this “competition” nonsense, just live your life

Post # 11
Member
545 posts
Busy bee

I have to agree with PP, you sound like your baby fever is flaring up because you want to be the first to have them. You already said you weren’t ready, so I wouldn’t worry about it. I promise it will be just as special when you guys have babies because they will be YOUR babies. It may suck, but like you said, you’re the youngest, so that’s usually how it works. Everybody but my little sister has babies besides me and we’ve been trying for a long time, so there is a good chance even she might have babies before I do, but when my time comes I know our families are going to be absolutely thrilled, because it is OUR first. 

Post # 12
Member
992 posts
Busy bee

I have two older sisters who are about a year apart in age. They CONSTANTLY engage in this type of behavior.  Weddings became who had a baby first, became who had more babies, became who did it with a midwife naturally instead of a hospital..became which son is better at a sport or a math quiz. Before that, it was who got engaged first, who had the bigger ring, the better catch, the better wedding, the better dress, the better wedding body.  Now, they are on to houses. One couple bought a new home. So the other couple had to buy a larger home – when they were upside-down on a mortgage on their first home from buying at peak market prices.   They couldn’t sell it or they would lose hundreds of thousands. Now, in order to have “won’ that battle, the one couple owns a home, are renting their other home, and are at each other’s throats because of the financial issues trying to manage all the additional expenses.

Who is really winning? Me.  Because not only do I not get dragged into the competitions, I hardly realize they are going on between the two of them anymore. I love them both dearly, but I will never understand this weird “first, better” game some people get caught up in.  I guess you don’t have sisters? LOL.  Don’t let her start you down that road, Bee.  You are on your timeline, NOT hers, living your life the way you want to – not in a way that “wins” against another woman.  You and your husband should begin trying for a baby when – and only when – the two of you look at each other and just know that you are ready, and that you cannot wait to raise a baby together.

Post # 13
Member
1322 posts
Bumble bee

Your desire to have children in order to “beat out” your sister-in-law suggests in every possible way that you are not mature enough to be a parent. 

Post # 14
Member
5857 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

You’re competing with her too so you are both as bad as each other.

Post # 15
Member
3225 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

She “rushed” a marriage with her boyfriend of 19 years? Okay..

But I agree with PPs, you’re complaining about her and then doing the same things she is. Also at her age she probably does feel very real pressure to have a baby ASAP. Don’t change the timeline you and your husband agreed on just to beat her. 

Fwiw I just had grandchild number seven for my parents. They’re thrilled and totally obsessed with him. 

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