Feeling like SIL is competing with me about having kids first? Vent

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Agree with previous comments wholeheartedly.

Just like to add one thing – everyone talks about the ‘joy’ of babies and the excitement. Sit back, and let your SIL go for it. Stick to your own timeline – when she’s tired and changing shitty nappies and at the end of her rope, you will be enjoying time as a married couple which she will inevitably be jealous of because it’s something she never did.

 

Post # 17
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

You sound really immature.  She’s 35, of course she’s in a rush to have kids.  Youre blowing this way out of proportion.

Post # 18
Member
1593 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I was grandchild number 15 of 18 in my mum’s family and my grandmother still loved me and was very excited when my sister and I were born. I was the first grandchild on dad’s side and that grandmother was apparently so overbearing that my dad had to tell her to back off.

I know your relationship with your ILs is positive now, but there may be some advantages if you don’t end up being the first one to produce a baby.

Post # 19
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

The first grandchild is always very exciting….but so is the last one!!! Dont rush!

Post # 20
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

My fiances parents had grand kids already when I got pregnant. They ADORE my daughter. They adore ALL of their grand kids, no matter how many came before them.

Post # 21
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Also agree with pp. It’s only a competition if you play. My future sister in law is a competitor. She had a big birthday party for her son last month and was really excited to go all out.

My daughter’s birthday is this month and I specifically waited to mention the party I was planning for her until after her son’s party. This was to avoid any hint of participating in her competition nonsense, their birthdays fall a month apart, but I knew how she would take it if I talked about a party while she planned hers.

I played a bit of a game I guess, but it was to avoid hers so it was a good thing.

Post # 22
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

Oh bee, just try to ignore the weird comments your SIL makes. Whenever she says something, tell her that you’re looking forward to enjoying the next two or three years with the love of your life, just the two of you and try to make it sound like this is the only wish you ever had 😉 

Maybe your SIL wants a child as soon as possible because she hopes it’ll bind her and her not-so-voluntary-husband together more – maybe she’s even frightened that her marriage won’t last as it used to be an on-off-thing, if there will be no baby as soon as possible.

For the record, I’m glad my sister got her children first. I remember everyone being so nervous and asking hundreds of questions and everbody being so overprotective and all like running around, calling her once a day and unnerving her. I was so afraid to touch her first born, I didn’t dare to hold my niece for weeks as I never held a baby before (I was 20). When she got the second one, everything was less nervous but more laid-back-happy, if you know what I mean.

I don’t now where this came from as my mom obviously has had children on her own, but everyone was just nervous and so careful with the first one – so I’m happy to ‘deliver’ the third grandchild one day, as Mom and Stepdad will be much more laid back and ‘just’ happy.

The only thing I regret a tiny bit is that my dad will never meet my children while my sister has a picture of him and her children together and I’m a bit nervous that SO’s parents won’t meet our children either, that’s the only thing that would make me decide to get pregnant earlier than planned. 

Post # 23
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Karma is a b*tch. So, yours will probably be cuter 😉

Post # 24
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Grandparents are thrilled for any grandkids. 

My grandparents liked me a whole lot (almost more than others) and I am one of the youngest on both sides. Granted, I spent the most time with all of them and was very close to them.

They will be overjoyed regardless of which number it was. 

Post # 25
Member
9447 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Orrrrr maybe she’s wanted a baby for a long time and is really stressed out about TTC since she’s already 35?

Live your own life. Having children is not a competition.

Post # 26
Member
3685 posts
Sugar bee

It makes me sad for these future children that their parents seem to care more about the first baby trophy than the babies themselves. Children are a ton of responsibility and work and a lifelong commitment, and they deserve to have parents who want them for them, not for status or to win a race. Both of you need to grow up before you involve innocent children in your little contest.

For the record my son was #7 for my inlaws and they dote on him like you wouldn’t believe. He’s also the light of our lives, and that wouldn’t change whether he was #1 or #20. 

Post # 27
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

Honestly, I feel bad for her. She isn’t being very mature, but it sounds like she’s a little disappointed with how her life is going and doesn’t have a lot of control over the things she wants. Actually, it even sounds like she probably likes and trusts you, if she was able to admit that she gets jealous of you (unless she admitted that to your husband?). Either way, I get the impression that she is not trying to be so annoying. She is aware of her jealousy, but she’s not in the best place emotionally so it’s hard to control herself.

If I were you, then next time she brings it up I might say “I’m really excited for you and I hope you get your baby soon, I can’t wait to have a niece or nephew!” or maybe even “I’m glad you’re trying before we are, after the attention from the wedding I really want a little break!” If she feels supported and like you are not in any rush to have kids, you won’t seem like as much competition and maybe she’ll back off.

Also, to me it sounds like you have a similar perspective as her. You are afraid to have your kids last, and she has a similar fear about being passed up by other family members. She might be annoying you, but you are more alike than you realize. Take your perspective and try to apply it to her a little bit, because she may be acting out just because of the blues that you yourself are feeling.

Post # 28
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Farm

It sounds like you want to have kids for the wrong reasons at this time due to competing with your sister in law. Talk to your husband and see if he is ready at this time to start having kids. If not enjoy your marriage with your husband and stick to your time line. You don’t have to compete with anyone. My mom has 12 grandkids ranging from 23 to 7 years old. I do not have any kids and I am the only one out of my sister and brothers who do not have any kids. In no fasion is my mom over having any more grand kids and I don’t feel like sh’es not going to enjoy being a grandmother again when we do have kids. She didn’t treat any of her grand kids any differently. My mom had 3 grandkids born in the same year and 1 born the year prior too. In no way did any of my siblings feel like the other was stealing their thunder. We had 4 high school graduates this past June and we celebrated each one of them. It wasn’t easy because two of them attended different schools  actually graduated on the same day at different times. lol.

Post # 29
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

Step 1. Stop competing with her.

Step 2. Support her happiness.

Step 3. Prosper.

Post # 30
Member
4061 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

KDoodle :  agreed.

Op, you sound just as bad, if not worse since you’re doing the same thing while complaining about her. Re-read your post and all the ways you make yourself sound better (her parents LOVE me but hate her SO, she rushed to marry the guy she was with for 19 years while we did things right).

TTC is stressful. TTC at 35 is more so. It sounds like she’s nervous, and instead of making it a competition you could always be supportive. Or even kind. Your kids are going to be cousins  (who are all loved by the grandparents).

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