Feeling like SIL is competing with me about having kids first? Vent

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
11652 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

jimonabee89 :  I think people will understand the relationship better with the backstory of how you two were friends first and lived together and she introduced you to her brother, and then had issues with your relationship.

a lot of your threads are about her, her wedding, her shower, etc. 

at this point, I would suggest you find a way to disconnect from this competition. It’s not healthy and it is a real thing, based on your threads here, that is disturbing you on a regular basis. 

 

Post # 32
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee

Um, its not a frickin race.

Who the hell cares if she has a kid first? The damn stars aren’t going to align and make it some special kid. 

Besides that.. if she is 10 years older yeah she probably should have one at her age because depending on how old she is it might limit her ablities. 

I was grandkid number four. I was the fav. You know why? Because I spent time with my grandparents. Shocker…I know. 

You need to calm down and stop engaging in drama. Plow your own field. 

Post # 33
Member
5923 posts
Bee Keeper

Can you not find it in you to have some empathy for a SIL who cried and ate ice cream after hearing about your engagement because you were getting what she’d wanted for so long? Can you have some empathy for her seeing you welcomed into the family with open arms while her own SO was held at arm’s length? Perhaps her parents had justifiable reasons & were concerned for her, but it would still hurt her to see the differing reactions. And now at 35 she’s TTC and your attitude is oh no, she’s not winning this one! when you were previously wanting to wait 2-3 years. 

It seems she’s envious of you and sees you getting everything she wants and unfortunately it’s made her rather resentful and competitive. But for your part, instead of befriendling her or feeling sympathy for  her, you seem to gloat over being the one who is envied  and your competitive claws come out when you sense this coveted position being challenged. 

 

Post # 34
Member
1931 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Your SIL is immature and absolutely ridiculous. Don’t let yourself become her though. You don’t want a child right now. You and your husband want to wait, don’t let her ruin that. She rushed her engagement and marriage to “win” against you, and it’s only making her unhappy, because her husband is not well liked and obviously they had problems if they were on again/off again for nineteen years!

You decide your timeline. Not your petty SIL. You. Stick to your guns, be the bigger, better person, and enjoy this time with just you and your Darling Husband.

If anything, I’ve seen families that have a soft spot for the youngest, rather than the first. And if there’s bad blood between your in laws and your SIL’s husband, then it’s going to be easier for them to visit and enjoy your children when you have them, because they won’t have to deal with him to do it. But beyond all that, grandparents should not have favorites, and you shouldn’t want them to either. It’s unhealthy.

Post # 35
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You don’t sound like you’re anywhere near mature enough to have kids. If you’re even thinking about being concerned about being last, and therefore the grandparents not caring about your baby, that’s a sign that you need to ignore your baby fever and wait. When you’re really ready to have one, you would be thinking about the joys of starting a new family with your husband.

Also, if you know you want to wait a few years (since it sounds like you’re only 25?) then why would you care what your 35 year old SIL has to say about being first.

Post # 36
Member
9809 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I feel kind of bad for your SIL. She’s in her mid thirties, I imagine she’s like most every other woman at that age who wants children and she’s probably panicking that she won’t be able to have them. And as someone who has been trying for months for a baby, I totally 100% understand her moping around when she got her period. ITS HARD. Talk a walk over to the POAS boards sometime and read some of the posts by the ladies there who have been trying months and years to get pregnant, maybe it will help you understand your SIL more and repair this relationship a bit.

I’m willing to cut her slack on the baby thing because TTC can make you act crazy pants and likely I think she’s just freaking out because of her age and the fact she’s been trying and it hasn’t happened yet for her.

Be kind to her, TTC is hard even in the best of circumstances and one day when you begin your journey to having kids you’ll better understand how she was feeling and where she’s coming from. I know it just seems like she’s being an ass right now, but really, its mentally tough.

Post # 37
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

jimonabee89 :  So I have to say this comes off like y’all are a bit too far up each other’s butts. 

From the sounds of things, you were friends prior to becoming SILs. It also seems like there’s a dynamic of one-upsmanship that has been woven throughout the entire relationship. 

The way you talk sounds self-satisfied but also pretty insecure. You seem intent on making sure we realize you are more popular with your PIL than her Darling Husband. That you and your Darling Husband have had this wonderful relationship arc while she and her Darling Husband have struggled. Also, characterizing marriage after 19 years as “rushed” is pretty hilarious.

You also seem smug about how you were planning to wait to have children while she seems to be in a hysterical rush. At the same time, you admit to having baby fever? This comes off as though you are looking for an excuse to justify changing your mind and timeline about when to start having kids, rather than demonstrating evidence of her trying to compete with you. And, it really seems like you’re giving yourself a lot of importance in her universe. Is there some compelling reason you think she’s making major life decisions based on you?

From a completely objective standpoint, someone who’s been a 19 years long relationship and is over 35 has a right to be ready for a baby and actively TTC. She also has a perfect right to be upset about discovering she isn’t pregnant. For you to characterize that as “pouting” reveals an extremely callous attitude toward someone who is probably feeling sad, vulnerable, and scared. 

Try for just a moment to stop framing all of her actions through what you think it means in relationship to you. Take yourself out of the equation and imagine she might have other more important and pressing reasons for deciding it’s time to have a baby than beating you to the punch. And grandparents love their grandchildren pretty much no matter when and how they arrive. Relax yourself.

Maybe try and put a little distance between SIL and yourself. Focus on your marriage and taking advantage of the time you have with your new husband unfettered by children. Drown out the clamoring of your ovaries by occupying yourself with things children will get in the way of. Travel. Pamper yourself. Take skydiving lessons. Distract yourself long enough to realize you might actually be happy for her to have the baby she so longs for, while you have a few more years of cleanliness, quiet, and freedom.

Post # 38
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee

jimonabee89 :  I think it’s really sick that people use babies for attention. Like disgusting. Please do not let her get to you and become like her. You should have a baby because YOU and YOUR HUSBAND want one and you should have one when YOU and YOUR HUSBAND want to. This is a human life you’re referring to and you should never use them as prizes or trophies. If it makes you feel better, just think that every time she talks about babies it’s because she sees them as objects. Just gross.

Post # 39
Member
5558 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

teamroro :  

All. Of. This. Seriously, +1000

Post # 40
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

It became a competition when you started thinking and getting sad about “having the last grandbaby on either side”.  

Post # 41
Member
751 posts
Busy bee

You SIL sounds like a trip and a half. Stop worrying about what she does and concentrate on your own life, and have kids when it’s right for you. IDK what she’s thinking about telling you that you aren’t allowed to get pregnant before she does, but apparently that’s how her mind works. Don’t worry about her, do what is best for you

Post # 44
Member
8309 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

jimonabee89 :  

I always really admire  someone who can get challenging  feedback , think it  through,  and then graciously  acknowledge their part in the  faults .

Hats off  to you OP!  

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