@selfishbee: I read your posts and just want to comment, based on my previous experience as a domestic violence counsellor:
I agree with a number of bees who said your husband is being emotionally and financially abusive. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical beating or threats of, and the way that he eroded your self-confidence and independence through the examples you’ve given is very abusive and detrimental, because you have refrained from behaving or thinking for yourself, or to develop to your full capacity.
I know this situation may appear puzzling or even frustrating to the posters who ask, “why are you letting him do this?” I would respectfully ask people not to ask such questions, or to imply that OP is controlling herself, or even insinuating that she embellished some of these stories. Emotional abuse is very subtle but effective, and when it has been going on for years, the survivor often instill these sense of worthlessness or helplessness into themselves and believe in them.
OP, you have done a brave thing in disclosing and recognising your unhappiness and the reality of your relationship. Please take one thing at a time. You mentioned that:
I will have to get a different job to be able to support myself, or a 2nd job. If I decide to leave I want to have everything in order so he can’t convince me that I’m crazy and unable to fend for myself.
This sounds feasible if you sit down and make a plan (with timeframe) based on:
– getting a second job (this seems to be the priority, as it will give you more confidence and financial freedom);
– seek legal advice: does your city/town have a community service centre? A women’s legal service? Also try your local domestic violence support service to obtain referrals for legal aid or free legal advice on separation and divorce. You may not want to make a decision now, but having all the knowledge on hand helps dispel the fear of the unknown;
– increase your safety: does your husband know that you use Weddingbee forum or other forums for emotional support? If so, either access these sites (same for when you look for legal services etc online) via incognito window (both Firefox and Google Chrome have this function), or clear out web history each time you go online;
– reach out to your friends – I know if I have a friend who recontacted me and she’s in an unhappy relationship, I would do whatever I can to support, so please don’t feel that you are cut off from your old acquaintances forever. If you feel your family won’t understand or be supportive, then you don’t have to let them know what’s going on for now (unless you want to – this is really about identifying who can be your allies and help you, you are the best person to determine this);
– have a hobby. You mentioned yoga. Suggestion for a small first step: buy a yoga DVD to do at home, or go to an one-off yoga class, and then sign up for more classes if you are financially able; and
– sorry for such a long post, but I just want to say that you are the expert of your own life’s situation, and what you want. What I have written may not be useful at all, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek out other avenues of information and support to best fit what you need. But if you need support or just vent, please feel free to PM me. Oh and no matter what he or other people say, you are not crazy and you can stand on your two feet without him.
All the best and big hugs to you.