Post # 1
HI bees. Some of you may remember me from my previous post.
Well – good news! Found a therapist who can see us on Wednesday! DH had promised to go, but when I told him he just went quiet, looked like he was going to cry, and when I asked him why he was so upset he replied “I wasn’t expecting it so quickly…it’s a lot, that’s all.”
We are going because we BOTH need help finding strategies and dealing with our issues. Yes, it is prompted by his recent behaviour, but I need help too. I tried to explain that to him, but he just gets really upset whenever we talk about going. He was definitely brought up with the mentality that you don’t bring anyone else into your marriage – aka that you deal with your issues between the two of you and that’s that. I know he is anxious and uncomfortable about going, and I appreciate that it could be a scary scenario for him. I’ve been to therapy myself before, so I know it is a great tool. But he just sees talking to a stranger as bizarre and terrifying.
But why do I get the feeling that insisting on therapy is like betraying our marriage? That by insisting on therapy I’m saying we can’t do this, that we are weak somehow?
Has anyone else felt like this? And how did you combat it?
Post # 2
I think it comes down to being close minded in my personal opinion, but I have openly seeked help in my teenage years and I don’t regret it.
However, for him it could be that he doesn’t agree with it. Sometimes people don’t agree with it and they can’t really explain why. I think it’s being close minded. but everyone is entitled to their opinion.
Post # 3
I don’t see how doing something to help make your marriage better would be betraying your marriage. Your husband’s behavior has brought things to this point and is much more a betrayal to your marriage than therapy.
He may not like the idea of it but something needs to change so he needs to suck it up and give this a shot.
Post # 4
It depends, I could see it that way but it wouldn’t Necessarily be that way.
I would expect the person who suggests therapy to have made strong effort to talk to his/her partner first – if they hadn’t it could feel like a betrayal that they won’t talk to you but suddenly they’re willing to open up just because a therapist will be present? Or it could seem, almost lazy? You won’t make the effort yourself with me but now you want a therapist to fix this?
Assuming that sort of situation is not the case then it should be seen as a positive, it’s not admitting defeat, it’s taking action, definitely no shame, but stigma does still exist so just be sensitive to that and be supportive of each other.
Post # 5
Maybe between now and Wednesday, stop talking about the upcoming appointment (beyond confirming the when/where details)? If the idea of opening up his marriage/himself to a stranger is anxiety-inducing for your husband, it might not help to keep talking about it before you go. Similarly, if you objectively know it is the right step to save your marriage but rehashing it makes you second guess yourself, then just let the topic go for now. You’ll both feel better after your appointment on Wednesday, when its no longer “the great unknown” so just try and carry on until then.
Post # 6
I am a bit skeptical of his motives to avoid therapy. I am thinking it’s because he knows how he’s treating you is wrong. He is worried that a therapist might confirm that to you. This would also mean owning and changing his behavior. Which he may be reluctant to do.
Post # 7
This is kind of how I feel. But I am generally overly sensitive to other people’s feelings… and I don’t want to shame him more than he’s already been shamed, because that seems counter-productive?
When I had the phone consult with the therapist she actually mentioned that the sessions would not be about inducing guilt or shame, and that sometimes that part is hard for the “wronged” party, who may want someone else to tell their partner how terrible they are being.
I see what you mean. Definitely not the case. I’ve been trying to communicate with him about our issues for a while now.
Good idea! I’ll shut up about it until Wednesday afternoon, when I’ll inevitably have to remind him about the appointment (haha!).
Perhaps. He could be thinking that the therapist is going to scold him or something, as well.
The initial appointment is more a get to know you appointment than anything, so hopefully that puts him at ease?
I guess I need to change my mindset – I don’t want to do this because I have NO faith, I am doing this because I have faith that we can make things better IF we get help. Easier said than done.
Post # 8
Don’t let him question your own motives (you came to this decision from a completely rational place, don’t let him make you think it’s anything less)..
I don’t know what he did to get you here, but it sounds like it couldn’t have been good since you say that there is plenty to scold/shame him on..
Post # 9
Therapy helps fix things an make them better if you open up, trust the process and allow it to help you. For me betraying you marriage in this case would be to not do this when you clearly think it would benefit you both and your marriage. Sitting and doing nothing and watch it crumble, that would betraying the marriage. Being atrogant and thinkimg you font need it becaise you can eo it yourself, and each it burn because you end up not being able to do it yourself tha is betrating your marriage… In my opinion what you are doing is getting the help you need to make this a sucess. There is nothing wrong with seeking help, it doesn’t make you weak. Admitting you have issues and proactivelly dealing with them requires strength. Burrying your head in the sad… that is weakness.
Post # 10
I do hope it works OP, and make sure you both get a chance to talk to her /him alone and that you feel like they really are good.
The counsellor I went to with my first ( ex!) husband was wonderful . For him that is – she pretty much told me I was a lucky girl to have such a charming and attractive and hardworking husband and I should forgive and forget the odd infidelity. Hah!
Obviously I picked a bad one , but my ex h was not keen to go anyway, for precisely the reasons yours gave- its a bit soon, no-one else’s business, we can work it out etc etc . As a pp says, mostly it’s because they fear to have their bad behaviour confirmed as such . Not that my ex did , I used to wonder if they ever got together afterwards lol.