- 2 years ago
Do you ever feel like one person when you’re with your husband/significant other and completely different without them? I’m struggling with this right now and it’s really confusing me.
My husband and I have been going to counseling for about 9 months now and things are getting better. My main complaints were that he isn’t driven or motivated in really any form. He was not taking an active role in our relationship and was basically spending money like a 16 year old boy. He does not enjoy going out with friends or doing things in public, he says he’s just an introvert. Plus constant complaining about how he hates his entry-level job he has been in for years because he decided not to get a degree or go to tech school.
Now, things are getting better. He is definitely playing a more active role in our relationship. When we are together he really tries to engage with me and speak my love language. I am also speaking his much more as well. In therapy, he admits that he is much happier now. And in theory, I SHOULD be happier as well. Except I’m not. I still hate how much he plays video games instead of actually wanting to be active, productive or just going out to do something fun.
My husband is much more introverted than I am. So much that I think he may have an undiagnosed social anxiety issue because any time we have a plan to hang out with friends, he suddenly gets an upset stomach so we have to bail. We are known as the couple that bails. And because I am tired of always being at home, I have started going out with friends without him. When I’m not with him, I feel so care-free, happy and fun.
The times he does go out, he gets very territorial very quickly so if I just make a slightly dirty joke, he is on edge and it causes a fight when we get home. If another guy in the group calls me pretty or even says my husband is a lucky man, he takes it as if they want to sleep with me. And if I compliment or congratulate a man on a career or education accomplishment, that is a guaranteed fight when we get home. My girlfriends love when we go out without him because they love the unfiltered me. They notice that I am more withdrawn with my husband around. And I am starting to get resentful about this, especially after noticing how other husbands or significant others understand their wives can joke or compliment without making their husbands feel insecure. And I anticipate that this will get worse since I am starting to travel in my job. I’ll be travelling about one week every 8 weeks or so. My husband is not supportive of this at all but understands it is part of my job now.
I believe a lot of his insecurities stem from the fact that I make more than 2x his salary and I am always working to improve myself. Since I feel good about my career now, I’ve started working out more and have gotten a few tattoos that I’ve always wanted. He sees that I am changing and I think this makes him nervous. I am craving change.
However, my husband really IS my best friend. He knows everything about me and we’ve been together for 10 years. With him I think about having a family and what that would be like. I completely forget the “other” side of me when I’m with him. I feel generally happy, but also feel like something is missing. I cant quite place what this something is, but I feel a void.
I have been contemplating divorce the same frequency as I always have been throughout our counseling. Now I just keep thinking about what it would be like to actually be single. What would it be like to run a household on my own? Would I be okay being on my own again? What would dating life be like? I dont think I would want another serious relationship right away. Casual dating sounds fun! Could it be FOMO that I’m experiencing?
Maybe I need therapy on my own, separate from our couples therapy to help me through this. Maybe having time away from him as a reset button will become a regular occurence; a way for me to get my fun out of my system and then I return to my husband happy? Is there even a happy medium where I could be a fun and happy person but also have a family with a husband that is supportive of my complete self? I feel like that is a mythical unicorn. <!–/data/user/0/com.samsung.android.app.notes/files/share/clipdata_190729_124303_118.sdoc–>