Feeling Like Two Different People with/without Hubby

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
2068 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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sparklebee19 :  Let’s just call out this lie for the lie that it is right now. He isn’t your best friend. A best friend accepts you for who you are, wants you to be happy, fulfilled, joyful, and is supportive. Your husband is none of those things right now. 

If you are wondering what dating would be like, and think its fun – you should breakup

If you are two totally different people with and without him – you should breakup

If you are unhappy the majority of the time you are with him – you should breakup

If you are fundementally different than him (aka he has no motivation, and you clearly have lots) – you should breakup

Listen bee, your gut is screaming at you. You are in the phase of getting over this relationship. What I mean is, you sound like someone going through a breakup and making peace with it. I am willing to bet that in a few months you will find yourself completely over the relationship and wanting out. 

I suspect he was never a really motivated kind of guy but you married him anyways. Now this difference in lifestyles and goals has come to a head and you can’t ignore it any longer. There have been a few bees on here who have posted about their boyfriends or husbands lack of motivation. What we all point out to them is that isn’t just a characteristic, it is a fundamental character flaw. It goes deep. A lack of motivation is also a lack of confidence, a lack of respect for their partner and themself. It is a giant red flag that shouldn’t be ignored. Marrying someone like that leads to just what you have described, a jealous, unmotivated man child who makes you feel guilty for wanting to better yourself. 

Motivation isn’t something you can teach, at least not that I have ever seen. So yeah he can go to therapy but it sounds like you have been with little to no change on his part. If this isnt’ what you want for your forever it’s time to move on. 

Post # 3
Member
3712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think you should go to individual counseling and explore these feelings.  I will say, these are a lot of red flags for emotional abuse… your friends saying you act differently around him, being afraid to express yourself for fear of him picking a fight needlessly, him being so controlling and jealous, him feeling threatened by your career success and needing to try to bring you back down to his level.

Your marriage should make you feel stronger, more awesome, more confident, more successful, more secure, happier.  Not ALL the time of course, but most of the time.  If not, it’s not the right marriage for you.  (I’m on my second marriage and I would have told you a billion times that my exH was my best friend etc… but this second marriage is just easy and perfect, whereas the first was too much work.)

Post # 4
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

I looked at your last thread about your husband. It seemed even then (4 mon ago) that you’d grown apart, but neither of you wanted to accept defeat just yet. 

Now, here you are again, same issues. 9 months of counselling for what, marginal-but-not-really- improvements? 

Post # 5
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

It sounds like you’ve outgrown this relationship and your husband senses it and is panicking, trying to keep you there.

There’s no shame in outgrowing a relationship. If you realize that you both enjoy different things and have different goals and you’d like to try living your life a different way, you should do that. That happens and it’s nobody’s fault.

Here’s a couple advice articles you might find helpful:

https://therumpus.net/2010/05/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-37-scared-confused/

https://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

ETA: Quote from article:

“Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.”

Post # 6
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Yes seek out therapy on your own in addition to the couples  therapy. You need a safe space to discuss your own thoughts and feelings. 

And you honestly need a lot more help sorting all this out than I, a stranger, can give you over the Internet. Not trying to be unhelpful. There’s just too much going on.

Post # 7
Member
2563 posts
Sugar bee

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sparklebee19 :  Is his jealousy addressed in counseling? What has he been doing to work on it? 

Of course you are two different people with/without him when you are worried about causing a fight with everything you say. Thats ridiculous.

It sounds like you could benefit from individual counseling to explore some of these feelings, but it sounds like you are much happier without him and are on your way out. 

 

Post # 8
Member
7222 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

You have been together for 10 years. Have you heard that thing about all of the various cells in our bodies being replaced about every 7 years? So all of the current makeup of your body has been made during the time you have been with your husband. That isn’t a minor thing. Pulling away from a relationship/divorce can cause a grief that feels like the death of a loved one.

And, even still, it’s important and necessary, to move on when your relationship is stifling you in the way you describe, and when your partner isn’t growing. Not only is he not growing, himself, but he’s also begrudging you any growth or positive interaction from or with other people. That’s not okay.

I agree with those saying you should go to therapy on your own. You should really get clear about what you want your life to be (it sounds like you’re doing quite a bit of that already and it’s not looking like the life he’s content to live). And also, just start working on being okay with the possibility that you are done and just trying to figure out your exit.

Post # 9
Member
809 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

Bee, I agree that therapy is in order. I think you need to do some self-reflection on your own. I agree with other bees that it sounds like the things that bother you the most are things that were most likely present before the marriage. Based on this and your previous posts it sounds like you aren’t particularly compatible so it isn’t surprising to me you’d go to therapy but not necessarily feel better about things. It sounds to me like you both have different values and ideas of what to do with your free-time.

Honestly I cringed a bit when I read one of your previous posts and this one as well as you sound very judgmental of his hobbies and it almost implies like you think your hobbies are more acceptable than his. To me that’s even more problematic than you guys enjoying different things. I can’t imagine someone who judged what I like to do for fun so much. Honestly I just read so much blaming and pointing the finger at him and I think you need to take some responsibility for the situation you’re in and your own happiness.

Post # 10
Member
5700 posts
Bee Keeper

Hah. No best friend would pick a fight with you because some guy called you beautiful, or you expressed happiness and interest in someone else’s career.

He’s not your best friend, but he may be your worst habit.

Post # 11
Member
6296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Well I’m very much of the belief that your spouse doesn’t have to be your best friend. I love my husband dearly but he’s not my best friend. That role is reserved for the person who has literally been by my side since we were 13. We’ve managed to make it 20 years together without being each other’s best friends – and we know everything about each other too. 

A best friend isn’t someone who is going to hold you back, criticize you, be jealous, etc. You’ve put in effort with counseling and clearly all these months later it hasn’t helped. It seems like for every area he’s improved he’s just found other areas and ways to be emotionally controlling. I think it’s time to accept that this realtionship isn’t likely to improve and go ahead and end things. 

Post # 13
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

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sparklebee19 :  Wow if things are getting better I couldn’t imagine what your relationship was like before (I didn’t read your other post). I think your relationship has run it’s course. You two are to totally different people and you like who you are around your friends when you are not with him. You can be yourself you don’t have to worry about babysitting him and making sure he feels comfortable and that he is o.k. You can actually have a great time. Some couples can do it. But that’s when the other partner is ok with their spouse going out and isn’t jealous if someone compliments them. He should be proud to have a beautiful wife! If you contemplate divorce or see yourself single then it’s a sign that you can see yourself being single again. You can at least say you have tried couple couseling which awesome. I mean going to individual couseling is a good choice I guess but what would you go for? What would you try and find out? You are totally normal for feeling this way imo. Sometimes people try and try and it doesn’t work. You can keep trying you never know what can happen. But you seem to be happy when you are able to be yourself and not on edge. 

Post # 14
Member
4015 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

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sparklebee19 :  I was 2 different people with and without my ex-husband. I didn’t realize it until a friend pointed it out after we’d separated. I was always afraid something I’d say or do would come back to bite me in the ass with him; he’d use it against me in a fight, tease me about it or make me feel stupid. So I hid a lots of myself from him just out of self-preservation.

I have some amazing news for you! This mythical unicorn you speak of; the “happy medium where I could be a fun and happy person but also have a family with a husband that is supportive of my complete self”… it exists! It’s really hard to believe after being in the kind of relationship you’re in. But I’m in one of those! We don’t have kids yet but Fiance and I talk about it openly without any pressure or hesitation (which was absolutely unheard of in my first marriage). I’m actually more myself WITH my Fiance than I am without him. My friend (who pointed out that I was different around my ex-h) attributes this to the fact that Fiance is a big goofball and isn’t afraid to look silly, that he’ll always be the silliest one in the room so I can let my freak flag fly without worry haha. 

I think you already know that you should be able to compliment someone on their career progression, tell a joke or receive a compliment without your husband pitching a fit. I couldn’t imagine filtering myself that much just to make sure hubby’s precious little ego remains intact. 

Marriage shouldn’t be this hard. You have to look at your husband as the person he is right now (because he’s not going to get a personality transplant through counseling) and ask yourself if this is the person you want to be with for the next 50 years… 

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