Feeling Like Two Different People with/without Hubby

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
735 posts
Busy bee

I’d call it quits – for both of your sakes. It sounds like you don’t really *like* him. There’s no shame in splitting up, and incompatibility- even if it appears years into the relationship- is reason enough to hang it up. Life is too damn short to slog along in an unhappy relationship and it’s unfair to the other party to do so. Plus, he sounds like a dick. 

Post # 17
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

I once had a best friend like your husband in the third grade. She was fine when it was just the two of us playing on her terms or watching the movie she wanted to watch, but as soon as I played with another friend at recess she told me we couldn’t be best friends anymore. No one should be able to so easily compare a grown man with an eight-year-old girl.

Is daydreaming about dating other people or leaving your husband reason enough to leave? Not necessarily. Is feeling like you want a divorce or to start seeing other people because your husband is an insecure man-child whose personality is completely at odds with your reason enough to leave? Yes. I’m not seeing how there’s anything wrong with you in this situation or that you SHOULD be happier.

Divorce is daunting, but the alternative may be worse. What’s that old expression? “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know”? Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a recipe for a happy life to me.

Post # 18
Member
4360 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

View original reply
sparklebee19 :  Oh bee, it helps SO much to have someone IRL to talk about this stuff with. My bestie was my absolute rock when I was contemplating divorce. I felt like a crazy person daily and just having someone to go to and say “Am I being crazy?!” made a world of difference. I was TERRIFIED of divorce. I was SO scared of being judged (we’d only been married 1.5 years). I was scared of living alone, of starting over, of being new in the dating world again after being with my ex for 7 years… it’s all so daunting! BUT… I absolutely LOVED living alone! I enjoyed dating (for the most part) and starting over was the best thing I ever did because I got to create a life I adored! (rather than a life I could “work with”). I love everything about my life now, it’s not perfect, and I probably would have laughed at you if 5 years ago you told me this is what my life would look like. But I wouldn’t change a thing!

Post # 19
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

I was in a marriage exactly like this. I weighed whether or not to get divorced for way, way too long when I should’ve just done it because it was better for both of us. My ex husband is immature, isn’t motivated and is very complacent and I am not. He also made me feel like I couldn’t be myself and when I was around my friends I acted totally different. He didn’t want me going out with my girlfriends (I don’t do anything inappropriate) and enjoying my life with the people that matter to me. I finally worked up the courage to get a divorce and it has been the best decision that I ever made in my entire life. I’m remarried now to someone who I can be myself around, who does things with me and my friends and is motivated to succeed like me. He cheers me on and he allows me to be my bubbly self and not feel restricted. 

Post # 20
Member
14134 posts
Honey Beekeeper

We have dealt with it in therapy and I was told that I should allow him to enjoy his video games while he can, as once we have kids this hobby will not be as available as it is now. I don’t quite like this response but I respect the advice”

I don’t respect that advice at all. Current behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. In fact, having children with this person is a big thing to consider in all this. An unmotivated person obsessed with video games would not be my own pick for an engaged, hands on dad. 

And that’s not even getting into the incompatibility, the jealousy, the attempts to control you, the fights, and the lack of ambition. 

You met him long ago when you were young. I agree with the PPs who say you’ve outgrown him. If you were dating now would you choose someone like this? 

You make good money, and have no children. If you were to split, you would be just fine.

Post # 21
Member
427 posts
Helper bee

Your husband sounds very controlling. 

His behaviour could escalate into physical abuse. 

 

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