Feeling Lost & Confused

posted 12 months ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

View original reply
martkass :  No problem! I agree it can be very frustrating to want to take the next step in a relationship when you’re not sure if your partner is on board. From what I can tell, it sounds like your boyfriend wants the same things as you, but maybe just isn’t as ready as you are. That doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, or he doesn’t love you. But I do think you need to have a more honest conversation with him about how you feel. Good luck 🙂

Post # 4
Member
10516 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

If you had a walk date set in your head for the end of the year why the hell did you buy a house with him?! You have no intentions of leaving if he doesn’t propose, that’s pretty clear in your post so an ultimatum is pretty pointless, they only work if you follow through.

I don’t know what to tell you. I would cancel the venue tour because if he can’t be bothered to propose what’s the point of getting your hopes up looking a venues.

I can’t tell if you’ve actually had an honest conversation with him about where you’re at/how you’re feeling but that’s where I would start.

Post # 5
Member
2402 posts
Buzzing bee

I would not put stock in anything he said about getting engaged during the first few months of your relationship. My ex also told me about 3 months in that he knew I was the one and a ring would be coming “sooner rather than later.” I was swept away with excitement too, and, like you, felt like we were living out the type of epic Hollywood romance fantasy that I’d always dreamed of. 

Fast forward a few years and our relationship had completely stagnated, we were no closer to engagement than we had been at the 3 month mark (in fact we were actually way further away from it), and we eventually broke up. My point is a lot of guys talk the big talk when they get swept up in the honeymoon period….and they may even mean those things at the time, but if years pass and they still have yet to lift a finger to actually follow through on those “promises,” then it’s safe to say they were full of hot air.

As far as what you should do – talk to him. Tell him exactly how you’re feeling. Tell him that you want to be engaged and you need him to stop giving you ambiguous “it will happen” answers, because 2.5 years into the relationship, with a fucking mortgage you share together, that kind of half-assed vaguery simply isn’t acceptable–in fact it’s insulting.

If his answer is that he’s not ready to get engaged and doesn’t know when he will be, well then he needs to damn well tell you that. You have a right to know where his head is so you can take that information into account as you decide what type of future YOU want for yourself. Which may well mean walking away from the relationship.

Post # 6
Member
765 posts
Busy bee

Men dont often appreciate the timelines. That once youre ngaged it takes ~1 year to plan a wedding. And then most people want to enjoy being married a little while before kids. And it cant take a while to get pregnant and then pregnancy is 9 months. Even if you get engaged now, marriage and kids could be 1-3 years away.

I think at this point you have no option but to be direct and honest with him. “SO, I love you and I love the life we have. I want a future with you. After hearing “it will happen” so many times, Im starting to lose faith. I want to be engaged by (pick a month you’re comfortable with). Are you comfortable with that timeline?”

Dont let him dance around it. Ask direct questions and insist on direct answers. If he hedges or gives a non-commital answer – that means his answer is NO, he is not ready/willing to marry you in the near future. Given that you have financially tied yourself to him with a mortgage, that makes leaving much more complicated. But not impossible, and you need to seriously consider how long you’re willing to wait and have an exit strategy if marriage is really important to you.

 

Post # 7
Member
861 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I would not look at any venues with him because he is going to think that will placate you and buy him more time. Tell him that you have decided you do not want to start wedding planning until you are engaged. Looking at venues is not a substitute for getting engaged, which is what you actually want, and looking preemptively may just frustrate you more. Make sure he knows you are frustrated. Not by getting upset or angry, but just by stating that you are feeling frustrated and disappointed.

Don’t worry about pushing him away with the “pressure” – if he decides not to propose because you weren’t “acting right” up until the proposal, then actually marrying you is clearly not his priority or desire. If the marriage is actually his priority, then he should be more open to talking about a specific timeline.

And in the meantime you need to clarify your feelings on a walk date. Do you think you can actually walk away? Would you be willing to actually end the relationship or are you entertaining plans just for the sake of forcing his hand?

Post # 8
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

I started to get a bit like this. I had a breakdown of sorts when he took me away for a surprise weekend and there was no proposal there. I was honest with him about how I felt and there were a lot of tears- I ruined the weekend, essentially.
He proposed the next weekend. He already had the ring and had planned the surprise trip as a proposal trip… but he had the ring done custom and 2 weeks prior my friend got engaged and he asked what I thought of her ring. I mentioned something specific that I loved about it, and so he had the custom order changed: pushing the timeline back by 1 week. 

So the whole time I was nagging and crying he already had a plan in place. I still feel really bad about that. 

Moral of my story: there is a fine line between nagging and being honest about your feelings. If you have a serious conversation about it that’s fine. But then leave it alone for awhile rather than bringing it up constantly. 

I would trust him that he has a plan in place. 

Post # 11
Member
861 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

View original reply
martkass :  It’s fine if you don’t want to end the relationship yet. You’re still allowed to be frustrated. But I would advise against setting walk dates that you aren’t set on, because then you’re just placating yourself by making it seem like you’re doing something to address the issue without actually addressing it.

Post # 12
Member
700 posts
Busy bee

You bought a house ‘together’ but you’re not on the mortgage or deed’? Have you actually put money into this house without having your name anywhere? 

You need to be straight and give him a date you want to be engaged on. Christmas Day, Jan 1st, whatever. Don’t waste any more time, if he genuinely wants to marry you this won’t be a problem.

Do not accept the ‘don’t worry it’ll happen’ or the ‘pressurised’ excuses. Some men will happily string women along for years with neverending excuses.

Post # 13
Member
2031 posts
Buzzing bee

It is a TERRIBLE idea to move in with someone when you’re not on the same page about your mutual future. 

And for the millionth time on this board, *IT IS NOT PRESSURING TO FIRMLY STATE WHAT YOUR EXPECTATIONS ARE OF HIM IN THE RELATIONSHIP AND TO HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE TO HIS WORD.*

What is WITH you timid waiting bees and this fear of pressuring?? Why do you walk on eggshells??

Let’s remember that you can’t pressure someone into doing something they WANT to do. So if he’s not doing it, he must not want to!

It was a mistake to move in with him, but that’s done now. At least you didn’t buy the house with him. That’s one less headache to deal with.

If he doesn’t propose by your mental walk date then leave him. He has no excuse. He’s almost 30, you’ve been together three years and now live together and you said he’s doing fine financially.

Worst of all, he can’t give you any concrete answers other than “just keep waiting!” Why are you accepting that BS and not demanding more clear answers? He’s not a precious flower that will wilt under the tremendous “pressure” you foresee him being under when you ask him for some freaking clarity.

Don’t give him an ultimatum if you’re not going to follow through. It doesn’t sound like you would actually follow through with it from this post.

Cancel the venue tour. Don’t embarrass yourself and waste the staff’s time by showing up to a wedding venue when you’re not engaged and have no idea if you ever will be. It will just make you feel worse.

I’m not really sure what else to tell you because it seems that he’s not going to propose any time soon because he’s comfortable and you don’t hold him accountable to his promises. If you’re not willing to enforce consequences then I guess all you can do is sit and wait indefinitely

Post # 14
Member
991 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Im not sure th why u would actually WANT to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you long term 

 

U said u won’t leave yr self 

Post # 15
Member
10516 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You sound very afraid/wary of strongly stating what you want because you don’t want to pressure him or push him away. If he actually wants the same things as you that won’t happen. It’s only a problem if he’s been lying to you and doesn’t actually want (or doesn’t know if he wants) all of that with you.

It really sounds like it’s time to demand some clarity from him in a very direct way. Stop accepting his vague answers.

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