Feeling Lost & Confused

posted 12 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
765 posts
Busy bee

hikingbride :  This! 100% agree.

View original reply
martkass :  OP, men dont feel pressured to do things they *want* to do. And if he doesnt want it, you have a right to know that because you get to choose how to live your life. 

Its possible he: wants to marry you but doesnt have the same urgency. Upon hearing its important to you he may move up his timeline or be willing to discuss a reasonable compromise between the two timelines. 

It’s also possible he: will freak out and feel pressured and make excuses or get resentful. That would mean you have a very clear answer of where you stand. 

There is nothing wrong about both of you clearly stating what you want (even if those wants are different). In fact, its really unhealthy NOT to state your needs and wants to your partner. You deserve to know his plans so you can make your own plans. Nothing about that is pushy, its about having self respect. You dont have to be mean or aggressive, but he honest and direct. You are not a passenger in your life. You get a say too!

Post # 17
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
martkass :  Girl, I know the feeling. I was with my DH for 10 years when he finally proposed. That waiting and mind wandering adds so much stress. Before he proposed I finally had a mental pep talk to myself and came to terms that I loved him so much and I knew he loved me and if it meant never getting married I would much rather be with him then not at all. It was a harsh reality I was trying to convince myself of…but then he proposed. 

So my adivce is to wait. You’d be amazed once he proposes how silly it was to stress over. He will propose, he is waiting (like all other guys, which is annoying) for the right time. I know you say he can afford it now but maybe there are other things he has planned to be able to propose. It’s easy for me to tell you to stop obessing, because I was there too, but try to keep telling yourself that it is worth the wait. If you love him as much as you are saying, then you will, becasue it isn’t worth losing someone you love.

Good luck!!!!

Post # 18
Member
1291 posts
Bumble bee

I actually did look at and book my wedding venue before my husband had officially proposed but the difference was that I absolutely knew the proposal was coming.

That’s good that you’re not on the paperwork for the house but, at the same time, I assume you’re essentially paying rent to your boyfriend while he actually builds equity–which isn’t the most fair/ optimal situation for you if things don’t progress to marriage. 

There’s not really much you can do if you’re not willing to leave. He has everything he wants (financial help/ live in help/ routine sex) and has no need to get married if that’s not a priority to him.  

 

Post # 19
Member
252 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
martkass Your’e neither lost, nor confused. You know exactly what you want and when you want it. That’s a good thing, as far as I’m concerned. Articulate this to him, and if he’s in agreement then that’s great! 

It sounds like he got your hopes up too soon out of the gates. He shouldn’t have mentioned rings 6 months in, if he wasn’t preparing to pull the trigger for another 2 years. Maybe this is something you should discuss with him, so that it doesn’t become a long lasting resentment, and that he’s aware that your emotions were toyed with. 

Post # 20
Member
10105 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
martkass :  

” lt will happen” is about as passive as it gets OP. Rain , taxes, death are things  that ‘will happen’, a proposal is something you actually DO.

I’m glad you are not on the house title or  mortgage – which is what buying a house together actually means –  because you can extricate yourself so much easier when you finally leave him.  I wonder how the discussions  around buying the house went,  that you ended up with him , a man professing to want to marry you and have children with you, buying himself a house that you presumably will pay half the costs of. 

As pps have said here and on other similar sad waiting posts, men aren’t really pressured into doing things they want to do, so you can do as one pp says and wait 10 years in the hope they may change their minds ( hers, a rara avis indeed ,appears to have done so, after she set aside her own desires in order to keep him and retroactively characterised her feelings as ‘silly’ ) Does it  sound like an option you might care to follow? . Or, you can have a serious conversation about how much it means to you and how long you are prepared to wait. His response needs to be your guide and you need to tell him so. 

l have to say OP, the house situation, practical though it might be, does not augur well for a proposal, marriage and future. 

Post # 21
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You’re not scared of telling him what you want because you’re afraid of pressuring him.  You’re scared of what the ultimate answer will be.  Release that fear because what you’re going through now is worse than knowing.

Post # 22
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee

I’m confused about why if this is the man you want to marry and he wants to marry you why he bought a house alone? I understand you didn’t want to be tied to someone without commitment, but you agreed you were going to get married 6 months into your relationship, why didn’t you get engaged then buy the house together? Whose idea was it for him to buy it alone and propose later? 

Post # 23
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

 

View original reply
martkass :  I am curious about the arrangements for the house and I wonder why you decided to do it this way?  Why was it seen as better to be in his name only? Did you put money in or are you paying towards this house that you are not named on?  This is a risky situation for you. 

Post # 24
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
ozbee :  better to do THAT than buy a house when you’re not engaged. If they get engaged, it’ll be hers eventually. If not, then she was going to have to pay rent somewhere ANYWAY

Post # 25
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
ariesscientist :  some guys want to buy property first, and she was going to have to pay rent regardless somewhere. Now her landlord just happens to be her bf, and if she has to bounce, no big deal. If they get married, it’s half hers.  I just hope she didn’t put anything on the down payment. I bought a home and my fiance pays me rent. He wanted to help with down payment and everything, but I didn’t want to intertwine ANYTHING until I got a ring.

Post # 26
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
martkass :  a lot of this is really bad advice.  Yes, you absolutely can pressure a man into doing something he wants to do if you keep pushing the TIMELINE. Guys don’t want to be told WHEN to propose. I have done things the WRONG WAY and THE RIGHT WAY. So I know both sides.

Look, You’ve already talked to him, he knows what you want. And-he probably DOES want to marry you. Guys on Waiting who don’t want to get married say things like, “I’m not ready and idk when/if I will be,” , they may even say “I don’t want to get married” they usually don’t say, “it’s coming!” 

He just feels like “what’s the rush!?” (Men are not socialized to prioritize engagement the way women are). You need to light a fire under his ass. Stop going forward with marriage type things (house, living together, seeing venues). Instead say, “I feel like I need us to be something MORE than just bf gf if we’re looking at venues. It’s not right, that’s something special I’m reserving for my fiance.” Don’t cry or say more. Don’t be mad. And then back off a little. Go out more. Make him miss you. Don’t bring engagement up at all. Eventually if he doesn’t shape up, you may have to say something like, “Ily, I respect you, I want us to stay together, but for us to keep living together, I want this to be more. So I’m going to find a place, and when we are both ready to take the next step, we can talk about living together again.” 

Ideally, you would have at least a little leverage (like, not living together yet and you won’t move in until you have next level commitment-which is what I told my now fiance cuz I don’t fuck around since my ex strung me along until I was 30) but since you don’t , you have to play the ace. He won’t let you leave if he loves you you. He’ll start asking for ring sizes.

Or you could bug him again with yet another conversation.

Post # 27
Member
618 posts
Busy bee

Instead of giving him your timeline, what about asking if he has one as well?

 

My now-fiancée & I had a clear talk about his 6 months into our relationship.  My timeline was longer than hers, but knowing when I planned to propose put her at ease for waiting & let us freely enjoy special moments/trips that could have easily been proposal-worthy without anxiety.

Post # 28
Member
2409 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
Marie2 :  “Guys on Waiting who don’t want to get married say things like, “I’m not ready and idk when/if I will be,” , they may even say “I don’t want to get married” they usually don’t say, “it’s coming!” “

Unfortunately this is just not true. So many guys on the waiting boards are all talk and no action. It’s because they want to have their cake and eat it too. Being honest and telling your partner “I’m not ready and don’t know when I will be” is a risk for these men because their partner might decide enough is enough and walk away, which isn’t what they want either. Much easier to string the women along for ages with vague promises of a ring “some day soon” in an attempt to maintain the status quo. 

I’m not saying that’s definitely what’s going on here, but OP would be super naive to assume it isn’t. 

Post # 29
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2021

View original reply
martkass :  Here’s what I would say in your situation, “Babe, I have to ask because it’s starting to give me some anxiety, but when you say it’s going to happen does this mean you have a date and a plan for a proposal? If not I would really like to talk about a timeline for our engagement. I would like to be engaged by XXXXX.” 

If he’s going to venues with you it’s possible he has some sort of Xmas/NYE proposal planned, but if I were you I would not visit any more venues or do any more wedding planning talk until we were officially engaged.

Post # 30
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
emilyofnewmoon :  that’s true…he might be lying. Regardless, what I said stands for guys who DO want to get married…and guys who DON’T. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors