Feeling Lost & Confused

posted 11 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
2278 posts
Buzzing bee

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Marie2 :  I agree with you that it’s possible to feel pressure to do something even if it’s something you generally want to do. Perhaps he knows he wants to marry her, but is still feeling pressure to do it sooner than he’d prefer for whatever reason.

You say, “guys don’t want to be told WHEN to propose.” 

Fair enough, but girls don’t want to be kept in the dark about their own shared future for years on end with vague promises of “it will happen soon.” And that’s what’s happening here. So, something’s gotta give. Either OP can keep doing what she’s been doing, which is walking on eggshells and never really clearly stating how him dragging this out is making her feel out of fear of “pressuring” him, or she can communicate clearly and honestly that his inaction is starting to make her question his commitment and whether this is even a relationship she wants to be in much longer.

I disagree with your advice that she should start going out more and make him “miss” her – that sounds like the type of advice you’d read in Cosmo. I mean maybe that would work for some guys – I don’t know – but personally it sounds like playing games to me and I’ve got no time for that in a serious relationship.

Post # 32
Member
44 posts
Newbee

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martkass :  I completely understand your situation! I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. Around Thanksgiving, my family started asking him again when he’ll propose and he always says that, “we have time” or some other excuse. I have been waiting for a long time and understand how frustrating it can be when it is something you want so badly. I have just learned to not pressure him and to check where you both are in your lives once in a while. In my opinion, if you have stable careers and are buying a home, then there is no question why you should wait any longer. For me, I had to sit down and talk things through with my SO to see where things are going. I hope you get a proposal soon! Best of luck!

Post # 33
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

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Marie2 :  Or you could bug him again with yet another conversation.

What?  Yes, let’s encourage not communicating needs and wants with our life partner.  Because men are such fragile creatures they will shatter into pieces if they’re told point blank what someone’s needs are.  Women should just float along hoping men can read their minds.  

Course this isn’t what YOU did.  You put your foot down and said you’re not doing X, Y, and Z if you don’t have a ring…

Post # 34
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

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emilyofnewmoon :  I definitely agree, except I believe she can communicate clearly and honestly WITHOUT words. She can communicate with action. From what I read, any non dummy would know she wants engagement soon. The minute men hear a deadline, I personally think they begin to resent it. Is that fair to women? Absolutely not. It does piss me off. But when you see a community blog for men wanting to get engaged, let me know. This stuff is extremely unfair to women, but I do feel like my method, while unorthodox, doesn’t put ALL the power in HIS hands. Waiting is a very passive, frustrating time.

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Supernurse :  it does NOT take a mind reader to know  what she wants. Btw I communicated with FAR less words than OP. I said the same thing, but with my boundaries, not words. Subtle difference. He tried to move in and I simply said “thats special to me and I’m reserving that for my fiance or husband.” His lease being up was the natural fire under his ass. I didn’t give a timeline, but if I didn’t get lucky and I had to, I would have hinted at my absence with the aforementioned actions, rather than say I need to be engaged by XYZ date. Thats not to say I don’t have my own personal timeline. But everyone do what they want! I’m just providing an alternative. My fiance is also 39 so that helps (again, strategic on my end lol)

Post # 35
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

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martkass :  Girl. Im the same. 25, bf just turned 31. I also want to have my first child before turning 30. We live together and plan to move cities by this next summer. Have two pups we love and talk about marriage and family in the near future…but no ring lol. He said he wants the “surprise factor” but it’s like by when? It’s the thought of not knowing that gets to me. I think you’ll be fine, don’t overthink it. If anything have a conversation with him. Tell him you’d like to be married before a certain age and see what he says. 

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