- 4 months ago
- Wedding: London, UK
I would cut my losses if it felt only lukewarm right at the beginning personally.
I would cut my losses if it felt only lukewarm right at the beginning personally.
I have 2 different stories – my dh’s and my first date was amazing and i knew i wanted to be with him very early on.. i dont know what it was but i was drawn to him.
One of my best friends on the other hand dated her Fiance for few months until she knew how she felt – now they’re getting married this yr! But i remember she thought she should be ‘feeling something’ earlier.
I went on about 4-5 dates with this guy who was really amazing. We had a great time talking/texting, enjoyed each other’s company; he was a good father to his child (I knew this through mutual friends) and a well-respected man in his field. But, after those dates, I felt nothing chemistry-wise for him. My friends encouraged me to keep seeing him, but I opted not to because after 4-5 dates, if chemistry wasn’t there, it wasn’t there.
I met Darling Husband less than a year later, and that guy met his eventual wife in that timeframe too. I’m pretty sure both of us are happy we didn’t try harder with each other.
Walk away. Lukewarm is the best it will ever get with this guy. Not worth it. Been there, done that!
cityred : I was a weirdo when I met my partner and posted on here about it… but it was because I’d left my marriage a few weeks earlier and it was WAY to soon. I was worried there wasn’t enough passion right off the bat, but having said this, our first five dates were delightful…. sharing hilarious stories at a bar well into the night, lots of very steamy sex (whoops!), playing guitar and singing together, home cooked meals by candlelight, meeting some of his friends over tapas…. lukewarm it wasn’t. My attitude was lukewarm at times because I was so not ready for a relationship so I was looking for reasons to step aside. We have a son together now and he’s bloody lovely.
I would just look inward and make sure you aren’t deciding things are lukewarm for self-preservation/self sabotaging reasons (I honestly wasn’t sure about my guy because he was kind and stable and present when I was so used to drama). If you are lukewarm about the relationship, well, I think 5 dates is probably enough time to decide. I went on a lukewarm date when I was 18. Things got comfy. 7 years later I left. I was never that attracted to him. Don’t do that!
I wouldn’t say I thought my current boyfriend was amazing by date 5. But I did really like him, was excited to see him, was very attracted to him physically, and was very happy to know that so far he met all the qualities I wanted in a father and husband. I’d say if you aren’t excited to see his texts, excited to see him. Then it’s time to end it.
Thanks everyone. I’d say I’m still a bit excited to hear from him and see him, but I’m not feeling like he’s the only guy for me at this point. Since I enjoy his company, I’ll give it a few more dates and see how it goes.
Life is too short to spend with people you are Luke warm about. Would you advise one of us to pick a best friend if we said we were Luke warm about them? No.
People can be great or amazing individuals but still unfortunately not a good fit us.
cityred : I think it really depends. “Chemistry” can be deceptive. I’ve had the best instant chemistry with people who were totally wrong for me. From what you say in your OP about how you never would normally go for a guy like this, I supsect that might be true for you too. Your “picker” might be broken, so it’s hard to tell what’s “normal” and what’s “settling.”
My first date with my husband was really nice and fun, but it wasn’t like we had crazy sparks. More like I felt instantly comfortable and safe with him, and could tell he was a really kind, earnest guy who wanted the same things as me. He wasn’t the most exciting conversationalist, he didn’t have a cool job, he wasn’t promising to show me the trendiest spots… he was just being himself, and he wasn’t afraid to show that he liked me. He wasn’t the type of guy I generally went for, but that was refreshing. Our second date was actually rather awkward (I think he was way more nervous than he had been on our first date), but I was still intrigued. Our dates from there got better and better, and then once we started having sex it became clear that we had great chemistry in that arena. I’m so glad I didn’t write him off early on. He’s the sweetest man and the best partner.
On the other hand, I went on a couple dates with someone not too long before I met my husband who was great on paper, but for some reason I just didn’t feel excited about him. I wasn’t sure why. His values aligned with mine, we had great conversations, he was very gentlemanly and seemed very into me. But for some reason I just wasn’t into it. In that case I decided to be honest and let him know after 2 or 3 dates that I just wasn’t feeling it. In that case I just had no desire to keep seeing him, so I knew forcing it was a bad idea.
If you like this guy but just aren’t sure whether you’re super into him yet, I’d keep dating casually. You don’t have to know that he’s the “only one” for you yet – I don’t think most people know that after 5 dates. If you’re still excited to hear from him and look forward to seeing him, then I think that seems like normal relationship progression.
Ask yourself this “am I settling for the sake of being in a relationship?”
I think it is dangerous to advise people that they need to “know” within the first few dates. Life is not a hollywood movie. It’s cool that sometimes people do get that feeling but that isn’t the case for everyone and if you walk through life waiting for a love-at-first-sight moment you may miss out on something great.
My first date with my guy was awful. We knew each other before and he had a really big crush on me. I was hesitant to go out with him because I wasn’t sure how I felt. On our first date he was so clingy and nervous it really turned me off. I told my friends afterward that if I didn’t know him already I probably would send a polite “thanks but no thanks” text. Instead I decided to see him a few more times to see how it went. Some times when we got together we had a lot of fun and other times he would be nervous and weird again. I talked to my therapist about it. He had everything I was looking for on paper plus he was a sweetheart. I felt like an asshole for dating him and not being sure. My therapist reminded me that that is exactly what dating is. I think we dated for roughly 3 months or so before there was a switch. He was a lot more comfortable and I became more and more attracted to him. Now I am so thankful that I didn’t walk away.
FWIW I have had a love-at-first-sight relationship. It was incredible for the first few months and I ran around telling everyone I had found “the one”. Then he turned into a manipulative jerk. He was emotionally abusive, threatened physical abuse and had me believing I was insane. I stayed with him for way too long because I had convinced myself he was the guy.
“things could work out if I were to ‘choose’ him“- Are you talking about marriage? Please don’t.
“Or should I ‘settle’ with someone I get along with well even if I don’t think he’s amazing.“
If you view him as settling and don’t think he’s amazing, WHY would you even consider wasting your time with this guy? Unless you’re under the age of 18 or looking for a temporary bed-filler, you need to move on.
When I online dated, I would give guys 3 dates if we were fairly compatible, but i wasn’t that interested. If I wasn’t by then, I’d cut him loose, because I feel like breaking it off is harder for the other person after it’s been a few dates. If you think he’s cool, you can always try to be friends.
I think it would partially depend on personality. Is he an outgoing sort where it might take a while to find out what more is there under the surface? Is he a quiet dude where it might take a while to open up? I’d say it took me a few weeks to really feel like I knew my husband and we hung out almost every day. He wasn’t practiced with dating at all and is not a big talker.
If you feel like you have a pretty good measure of the dude and you’re not finding what you’re looking for, I’d move on.
coffeetime2020 : it doesn’t have to be on way or the other. You don’t have to choose between the abusive narcissist or settle for someone you aren’t interested in. You can continue to date and find someone who you are very compatible with. Doesn’t mean your first couple dates will be “Hollywood Style,” but after 5 dates, you should feel one way or the other about this person.
We see it every. single. day. on this site of someone who spend X amount of years because he was “nice enough” and then came to realize that they settled because they were so desperate to be in a relationship. Then they wake up one morning and realize that they aren’t happy and they are legally bound to this person and are 2 kids deep.