Feeling overwhelmed by BF's sexual needs (Advice Needed)

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
9147 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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busybeebee7 :  

Well I have to agree with everybody else about how awful he sounds . And it’s not just ‘too much sex’ it’s too much bad sex .

I’m always  bothered when people talk about  ‘foreplay’ and ‘sex’ as if they were two different things ,or as  as if the former were merely a warm up for p. in v.  which is of course what it’s really All About ……

Your bf clearly regards sex as his orgasms , achieved  one way or another . He  doesn’t know or doesn’t  care what you like or want . He may even think you like and are ‘fulfilled’ by being simply pounded every night  and would be genuinely surprised  ( and undoubtedly displeased ) to  learn how few women find this acceptable. He may not be that much more experienced than you , but a  lot less open about it and still thinks like  an adolescent. Or, knowing  how inexperienced  you are,  can afford to be selfishly bad at it on the assumption that  you won’t know the difference . None of these is a  good thing .   

Whatever, you have to have a serious and no doubt rather embarrassing conversation with him , detailing  what is and what is pleasant and sexy etc for you . You seem to have made it sound  as if all you have told him is that it is too often , and he will have taken this as his amazing  masculine p. in v. powers being rather too overpowering for you. I assume  there is no  reciprocal oral sex for you either during ordinary sex or when you deliver the compensatory bj’s ?  (No  ,  silly  question  !) 

You say you are waiting  to live together until after marriage – I’m not sure why you think  this is a good idea , it obviously isn’t about  the sex ?  Are you planning marriage with this guy ? I’d certainly want more evidence of his  commitemnt – to  anything  to do with you – before you go any farther.

Oh and don’t tell us you are the one  cooking these pre sex dinners are you…. ?  

Post # 32
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - New York, New York

If it were me, I would stop having sex with him (and stop giving him BJs) and see how he treats you. You can just say that you don’t want to have sex (or give him a BJ) because you have a sore throat or you’re coming down with a cold and you’re not feeling very well. Then see: when you’re not having sex, is he still kind towards you? Does he still want to eat dinner with you and spend time with you? If he suddenly becomes disinterested or cold, you will know that he mainly sees you as his sex doll and not his future wife. 

I went through a period where having sex was painful (I was dealing with vulvodynia). I went through pelvic floor therapy and I don’t have pain during sex anymore, but having a partner (Joe) who was caring and unselfish and concerned about how I was feeling was EVERYTHING. Your man should have the same level of consideration for you. Your feelings matter just as much as his, and if you don’t feel like being sexual on a particular day, he should respect your feelings and not pressure you to do something you’re not 100% into. 

Post # 33
Member
3000 posts
Sugar bee

It seems to me from what you have said  that he’s only interested in the sex. My advice is to dump him asap.

If you aren’t prepared to dump him:

Stop going round to his place. 

Decide how many times per week YOU want sex, if at all.

Decide on what activities YOU would prefer to staying in and having dinner (and sex).

Don’t agree to any sexual activity that YOU hate.

This isn’t being selfish. It is being direct. 

Post # 34
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee

It looks like you’ve already got some great advice from previous posters.  I agree this doesn’t sound healthy and you deserve better.  I just wanted to recommend a couple of books.  I think every woman should read these, but the information is particularly salient for a young woman in your position.  Good luck! 

https://www.amazon.com/Girls-Sex-Navigating-Complicated-Landscape/dp/0062209744

https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Cliterate-Orgasm-Equality-Matters/dp/0062484389

Post # 35
Member
413 posts
Helper bee

He doesn’t have the right to your body anytime he likes just because you’re in a relationship. I hate the idea of you having unenjoyable sex or giving BJs when you’re not in the mood. Don’t be afraid to say no! If he is pushy about it that is a bad sign.

Post # 36
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

He’s treating you like a booty call. I don’t know how you’ve lasted this long. You need to tell him what you have posted here. If you aren’t comfortable doing that, you should break up with him. He’s not respecting you and you don’t sound happy 

Post # 37
Member
1483 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Dump him.  Stat.  There are much better, more loving, and more caring men out there for you.

Post # 38
Member
4587 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
busybeebee7 :  He can introduce to whomever and talk about marriage all he wants. That doesn’t mean that he understands how to be a good partner or that you have to marry him. Do you truly want this to be your life forever? 

What he says (about marrying you) is a hell of lot less important that how he treats you – which is basically as a sex toy. He sees his relationship with you as transaction – he buys you dinner, you have sex with him. To be blunt, he’s basically “buying” sex with you. This is NOT a healthy relationship (or really, a relationship at all…)

Post # 39
Member
908 posts
Busy bee

Sounds like your an on call booty call for him. This isnt a relationship. A relationship is common interest, common values, and investing in a future. A dinner out once a week, dinner at his place and then sex immediately after does not a relationship make. 

Are you sure you are in a relationship with this guy? Because it really sounds like you are a friends with benefits, except he is getting the only benefit.

Have you met his family? His friends? Does he announce your relationship or are you a secret? 

A night off? What are you clocking here? Seriously just dump this guy.

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