I apologise in advance for the length, this is something that has really been bothering me and I need to get it out.
My SO was king hit after a night out almost a year ago. He called me, freaking out and I raced out to pick him up. There was so much blood and I was hysterical, I thought he’d been stabbed. We went to the hospital where he was put under observation for 4 hours to make sure there was no neurological problems, and he had a CT scan to make sure his skull and facial bones hadn’t been broken. He was hit either with a fist or an object, knocked unconscious and hit his head on the ground. He was so lucky not to have been killed, or suffer any broken bones.
I was so devastated. His right to safety had been taken away. He’s 6ft tall, and could easily defend himself if he knew it was coming, Although we filed a police report, there were no witnesses, no CCTV and no way of knowing who the hell did it, so for ages I’ve been looking at people and wondering ‘was it you?’. I’ve wished the worst things possible on the person responsible for doing this to him. I’ve told him he’s not to walk the 10 minutes home from town, I made him promise. So I will always pick him up, no matter the time. I would rather that, than pick him up by the side of the road.
I’ve been completely paranoid lately. When we’ve been to a concert, I’m terrified that people are out to hurt him or hurt me, I’m always looking over my shoulder. I would rather just stay home than have a night out – it’s been more than a year since I’ve been out drinking. Paranoid that something bad will happen to someone I love and I won’t be able to drive. If SO and I go out, I will drive so we always have a way to get home safely.
We went to get takeaway the other night, and when we walked out, this guy was walking fast and purposefully towards us. My heart dropped for a second, I was terrified. He was just going to the takeaway shop. Then yesterday, I went to a different outlet to pay bills (I’m a creature of habit, so it threw me when my usual place wasn’t open), a couple of guys walked in and I felt uneasy. My thoughts were out of control – like ‘I shouldn’t have looked at them. What if this is an armed holdup? OMG, it’s fate, I’m going to die’ – crazy stuff. Of course they weren’t staging a hold up or hurting anyone, but I’m irrationally suspicious of everyone – like there’s a hidden agenda and everyone is out to hurt others.
It feels awful to be like this, I feel like I’m losing it. The night of the assault is still so fresh in my mind – worst night of my life. I went away at the end of last year to visit my sister for a week, and saying goodbye to SO, I was so fearful that something bad would happen and I wouldn’t be there, I was so worked up and upset that I wanted to be sick. I cried the entire 9 hour flight. I was okay once I was there, and I could message and talk to him, but I was still so worried. I loved every day of my holiday with my sister, and when I came home it was a very emotional reunion with my SO.
I don’t know how to stop being fearful. I fear when I go to my car in the driveway to pick SO up in the early hours of the morning (from work), that someone is out there, going to hurt me and steal my car, and I won’t be there to pick SO up. A million thoughts, mostly irrational. And my gut instinct now tells me to avoid everyone and everything, so how can I trust that anymore?
Have any of you Bees been through something similar, or know how I can cope with these feelings?