(Closed) Feeling Pressured-Help

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I think by asking yourself these questions is a great way to start! This is the beginning of a transition where you merge two lives together but it’s still very important to remain two individuals who support one another through life’s changes. Why couldn’t you be a wonderful wife and have a career? Ambition is a good thing.

Have you talked with your partner about these fears and feelings? If not, a great way to approach bringing up the topic is through pre-marital counseling. A lot of counsellors offer an 8 week course to help facilitate discussion… it can actually be pretty fun most of the time too because you are learning about each other and addressing feelings before any huge problems are blown out of proportion.

Post # 3
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Also, it’s sad to hear the other women have made choices  are not happy with, but that doesn’t mean you are doomed to make the same choices. 

Talking with your partner about the impotrance of your career and having your partner understand may help you feel bette.

Post # 5
Member
4098 posts
Honey bee

HBIC:  +1. Also, OP, when people bring up your wedding just give them a simple answer and then change the subject. People are constantly asking me how the planning is going as well. And I, like you, find myself thinking that there are other things I’d rather be talking about. So when people ask me how the planning is going, I politely say “it’s going well, we have things all set for the most part.” And then I change the subject. 

Post # 6
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

First of all, congratulations!  I think it is natural that you aren’t going crazy over every little detail.  You’ve done it, it’s associated with work for you, and I think you said that you could do it in your sleep while for most people, a wedding has the “dream come true” feel.  I think it’s perfectly natural that if your profession involves wedding planning, you would see the wedding more as a big party involving the many details and financial transactions.  You’re probably more aware than most people of the fact that while a wedding is important, it is just one day.  I think you should (as best you can) try to get excited- watch bridal movies, hang out with people who are really happy for you and want to help, and maybe it will start to feel a bit more special- but if it doesn’t- find another thing you are excited about whether it is honeymoon planning, figuring out your hair and makeup, etc.

 Also, I think you are wise to think now about maintaining your individuality and goals- one thing my husband and I did while we were engaged is went out to lunch and made a list of our goals together and also discussed our separate goals.  I’m sure that your fiance will be supportive and happy to know that you want to maintain a strong identity and not get “lost” in the marriage.  The happier and more fulfilled you are, the more you will bring to the table.  

Post # 7
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Maybe you’re overthinking things a little. People address you as “the bride” because it’s easy to talk about weddings. Hell, it’s easy to talk about ANY cultural ritual, especially the happy ones–engagements, weddings, retirements, and babies. Those things are like the weather, so people are defaulting to them when they see you. I doubt that they actually view you as no more than “just the bride” suddenly, although it could feel that way. You might also experience it more in the sense that people are aware of your profession and maybe excited that hey! you get to plan a wedding for yourself! (because clearly, all those years building your career was nothing but a dress rehearsal for your REAL purpose in life of getting marreid; all hail the patriarchy, sigh.)

I’m not sure if people’s (specifically women’s) ambitions change after marriage and children–or at least, they certainly don’t by default. I DO think that it’s easier, or there is more pressure, on women generally that encourages a change in their personal/career ambitious simply because we’re clearly not a society (speaking as a US bee) that fully respects women, and especially mothers, in the workplace or the particular demands that pregnancy and childbearing would place on specifically women, rather than men. If we did, we wouldn’t be fighting over equal pay, 50% of executives and boards would be women, and we’d have much better parental leave laws. In the absence of these things, it can push women out of their careers because the balance may be too hard to maintain otherwise. Again, it doesn’t have to be that way–my own mother was a committed working mother and never gave up her own ambition, and I also have friends that started in hot tech companies, found it too ‘bro’ to deal with after having children and went on to find better work situations for them. On the surface, perhaps no longer being able to say you’re an executive at Google and have transferred to some unknown startup suggests a faltering of “ambition,” but it’s not–it’s simply a change.

And that’s the truth of it–marriage and kids DO pose a change in one’s life, like many other things (a divorce, an aging parent, a new house) but you can’t look at those changes in relation to the way you live right now and judge them under your current criteria. You’ll only know what’s right for you when you actually live those changes. FWIW, I don’t actually believe that the idea people “wake up” one day and think, “Wow–what happened to me, I used to be such a go-getter!” is actually a real thing. I think that that’s simply realizing one’s unhappy with something and wearing nostalgia glasses to contextualize their unhappiness–ie, it’s easy to assume that a different life path would be so much more satisfying if you don’t like where you are, but that’s an assumption. And hey, if you end up feeling that way, you can always change it. 

Post # 10
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee

sistersequin:  since getting married I have enrolled on a teacher training course (I start in September!) and I am really excited about pursuing a new career. I have also been selected for our county team in a sport I play and am working towards a sign language qualification. Getting married has definitely not affected my ambition or drive to improve. It won’t affect yours unless you decide to let it.

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