Post # 1
Here’s the scoop– Me and Fiance will be married in October 2010; he will be 30 and I am 24. He already has a five year old from a previous marriage. He is eager to start a family together and feels like his biological clock is ticking.
I do want children– like 3 or 4; however!!! I just got out of school in December, got a new job in March, am excited about having money and time to do fun things with our grownup friends (travel, go out dancing, go to baseballs games etc) and plan on going back to school in a few years.
I feel like I would be mature and ready to be a mother. If we were to wait until I got out of school to have kids, he would be 35 or 36 and feels like he would be ‘too old’. If we do TTC within the next year or so, I fear how this will affect my plans to go back to school and have a social life. Am I being too selfish? Is there anyone else out there going through this same kind of thing? Is this something that everyone deals with– should I just get over it and see how things go? HELP!
Post # 3
I do not think you are not being selfish. Men do not have a “biological clock” in the same way women do, although I can see that he doesn’t want to be ‘too old’ to raise his kids. However, you are still young. Having children WILL vastly change your plans to go back to school – not to say that you won’t but you might put it off. I personally am doing a part-time Masters right now (I am 23) because I know in a few years, I will want to start a family and that if I didn’t go back to school now, that I may never (or at least it would be much later in my life). I know that my priorities will change and they will change in the direction of raising a family as opposed to focusing as much on myself. I think it is important for you to experience the things you want to before you feel obligated to “settle down” and raise a family. This is something you need to have a serious discussion about with your Fiance. To me, it doesn’t sound like you are ready to have children yet, and you need to let him know that. Good luck!
Post # 4
@dance:I have read that men actually DO have biological clocks. After 35, their sperm is not of the highest quality; and that can cause women to have miscarriages – this is often “blamed” on the women’s age, but apparently it’s not always the case.
@greeneyes_320: You have concerns, and you Fiance has some too. Both of you have your age to think about… My husband and I have a 7 year age difference, he doesn’t want to be too old before having children because he wants to enjoy life with them and still be young when they leave home so he can enjoy life with me afterwards. These are valuable arguments.
On my part, there are some things that I *must* experience before I have children – he has had a chance to enjoy adulthood and do things I did not.
So we compromised: we set a timeline on when we’ll be TTC, and we set goals of things that we will do during those 2 years – many travels in the next year planned for us because I want to see the world. I have time to get used to the idea of being a mother and I when we do have children, I will be ready for it because I will have achieved my goals. Hubs is very happy because he gets to live these things with me and because he knows family is coming soon.
Anyway, what I’m saying is that the key is to sit down with him and evaluate both your needs – there is a way to make it work that will be acceptable for you both.
Post # 5
@egb: I knew that sperm degenerates to some degree with age, but did not realize that it could be happening that early in some men! Thanks for the lesson of the day 🙂
Post # 6
I hear ya! Having a child will definitely change what you are able to do, both financially and due to time, child care, etc…
I’d love to go back to school, but for now have accepted that I won’t anytime soon, since hubs and I are planning to get a house and have children now, rather than later. I’m 26 and he’s 30. I willing made that choice though, since being younger parents were important to hubs and I.
You need to think about what you want, what your Fiance wants and figure out what is best for you as a couple. If school is really important, you might not want to put it off. If I thought that I’d resent having children instead of returning to school, I wouldn’t have started TTC. So it’s a decision you really have to think about together and decide on together.
Post # 7
I don’t think you are selfish (I’m 28 and no where near ready to have kids), but I do think this is a serious subject you and your Fiance need to have a talk about. Surely there is a compromise out there somewhere.
Post # 8
It’s not selfish to wait to have children until you feel ready for them. You shouldn’t feel guilty about that, because having them will completely change your lives, forever.
I guess this is something that the two of you will have to discuss, and balances out the “pros” and “cons” of waiting. As an outside observer, I think it’s a little goofy to think that at 35 he will be “too old” for kids – but those are his feelings, and I’m sure they are valid for him. I know some people think being over 30 is “too old” to keep up with kids, or that they won’t relate to their child as much. My FH is 44, and we won’t start TTC until about a year after marriage. If we have more than 1 child, he will be a 50 year old dad chasing toddlers – which isn’t ideal, but it isn’t that outside of the norm either. In our circle, most parents were parents post-mid 30’s, and many were not parents until into their 40’s. They are race around with their kids, and go to activities with them, etc.
Having kids definitely will affect your plans for going back to school and your social life. That isn’t to say you couldn’t go back to school as plenty of women do – but having a child would definitely affect timelines and schedules.
Could you two plan some activities/travel together to do within the first year of marriage (things that are your dreams/goals/etc.), and then after you feel like you’ve had some time to enjoy yourselves as a married couple discuss timelines? Could you start to take a few classes now, and see how those go, instead of waiting to go back to school?
Post # 9
I know a ton of men who don’t have their first child until their mid-30s. Which doesn’t mean it isn’t understandable for him to want to try earlier. But your selfish life ends when you have a kid and you should be ready for that before you have a baby! I know for me I wanted to live a lot of life before I became a mom- grad school, career, social life, etc. You don’t want to resent your baby – or your husband – for taking that away from you before you are ready.
Your concerns are at least as valid as his, so definitely continue the discusison and see if you can come up with a compromise that you are both happy with.
Re: Sperm quality and age- my understanding is the jury is still out on this one. A lot of studies have been inconclusive, so talk to your doctor before you use that as a reason to TTC!!
Post # 10
Is there any way you can speed up when you get your next degree?
I definitely don’t think you are selfish. We started TTC after I got my masters (@30), but Darling Husband was only 31. Anywho, even though we were trying, and both ready, pregnancy has been so much harder emotionally than I thought it would be. You think if it’s planned, that it is all giggles and joy, but there I’ve had several freakout moments about becoming a mom, the affects on my career and my body. At the end of the day, I still feel so blessed, but it helps that I was ready when we got pregnant. I don’t think my hubby pressuring me would’ve been healthy, bc te hormones during pregnancy already wreak havoc enough on you without add’l doubts.
However, I also feel like it’s not fair to make it *just* your decision, so hopefully there is a middle ground.
Post # 11
Thanks everyone for the advice. If I could push my schooling faster, I would. Unfortunately, the degree I want to go for requires 2 years of working in intensive care before I can start applying. I won’t be able to try and get into the ICU until around January. So the thought was maybe we have a kid now– then it will be old enough to handle day care by the time I will be in school full time– my program is soo busy for 36 months that we are not allowed to work during that time either. I fear we will be so ‘on edge’ about money during those couple of years as it is. ugh…
Post # 12
Hi, I’m in nearly the same shoes as you. I’m getting married the day before you. I will be 24 and my fiance will be 31. My advice is to PLEASE listen to what you want and wait to be a mommy if you want to enjoy your job, your money, your schooling, your free time, adult activities, your travel, your career, being a newlywed, etc. Once you have a baby that is not something you can have back for many years to come and by the time you get that back, age may have changed your goals/priorities and you may miss out on some of those opportunities all together. Take the time NOW and enjoy it. Babies are blessings for sure, but the responsibility of parenthood is not one to be pressured into before you are 100000000000% ready to sacrafice some of those things you listed above that you’d like to do. You can still do them, but it will be a lot harder. You’re young, enjoy that! Soak up all the fabulous opportunities that you have waiting for you for a few years and when you are ready (without the pressure) than TTC. My vote is that if you have any doubts at all whatsoever, then wait a while just to be completely sure. That’s a pretty big life-changing final decision and nobody should be pressured into it if they aren’t totally ready. 35-40 really isn’t too old for a guy to have kids!