Post # 1
And just generally not excited about it. I am completely estranged from my family, and my fiance’s family has made absolutely no efforts to get to know me more since we got engaged. When my fiance told them that he was proposing to me they said “No you aren’t.” He did anyway, and when he told his sisters we were engaged they said that they did not understand why I could possibly want to be a part of a family that did not want me. (They have since apologized, but they are still pretty cold towards me. They go through the motions, and I can feel that. There are certain things that once said, cannot be un-said. And my fiance has let them have it over their behavvior towards me before, which fixes things for a wekk, and then they revert)
I don’t even know WHY they dislike me so much. I think that they are not ready to accept a new spouse yet as my fiance separated from his ex wife only 3 years ago.
No one has asked to see my ring. No one has asked about a date. I have yet to be asked if I have tried any dresses on. Nothing. My fiance’s extended family included.
I just don’t feel like spending the money on a party with a bunch of people neither of us particularly like. We simply cannot afford a party with more than just family right now.
However, if we eloped it would be world war 3. Part of me doesn’t really care at this point if my fiance’s family further dislikes me. They could use a nice slap in the face if you asked me. However, it is his family an not mine and he feels strongly against eloping bc of them.
I am kind of dreading my wedding at this point, which sounds awful, but I am. My fiance and I hate wedding planning nights because it makes both of us so tense and we are genuinely at a loss as to what is the best way to go.
Some brides ask that they look their best ever in their stunning gown, or want the music to be perfect, but I feel like I have been reduced to just wanting my wedding to be mildly ENJOYABLE for my fiance and I. I would just do town hall, but I think that I would regret that in the long run because I DO want a wedding. We would be going to town hall as our “only choice” not “as a choice” which makes it kind of blah to me.
Any other wedding ideas that I have not thought of? Or any advice in general from bees who have been through something similar?
Post # 3
@Gabthebee: And you absolutely cannot elope?
Why not? Fuck it – just go and elope – who cares about WW3 – those in laws of yours are going to suck no matter if you spend money and throw a wedding or not. Might as well save some money and elope!
Post # 4
@Gabthebee: Is that your actual wedding date or have you not set one?
It sounds like there are a lot of things going on right now that are bumming you out and affecting your attitude towards the wedding. Maybe putting wedding planning on the back burner while you work out your other life/family kinks would help. You need to figure out together if you want his family in your lives (and they treat BOTH of you with respect) or not in your lives because they CAN’T respect both of you. There’s no other option.
Also, with planning a wedding, you either have something in mind and can get the ball rolling by that, or you visit a few venues of different themes/ settings and see what feels best. You also should know before picking a place if any family will be there for headcount purposes, anyway. Once you get that done other pieces will fall together.
[This is all written under the assumption that your wedding is not in 2014]
Post # 5
No firm date set. Probably spring of 2015 though so there is time. It is just hard when being engaged doesn’t feel how bein engaged is “supposed” to feel
Post # 6
@Gabthebee: Well how about a simple little wedding, real casual like. Like a nice backyard wedding or at a park or something. We are having a little 10 minute ceremony in a garden area where I wok with a cake and punch (and light refreshments) reception afterwards. We are having a pig-roast the next day – just a Big old cook-out. Nothing ubber expensive (all of the above is running 5K). It would cut down on the amount of wedding planning and get the requirement of a wedding out of the way. Then you will have your own family (and a couple IS a family) and say screw them all and live a happy life.
Post # 7
Are you planning on taking a honeymoon? Maybe you could look at some places that you would want to go on your honeymoon – lots of places have ‘elopement packages’ that aren’t too expensive. You could get married and already be at your honeymoon destination . . .
Post # 8
@Gabthebee: I am guessing they are still getting over his separation from his ex wife, and getting used to the fact that you’re his partner now. That doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but I think you can reasonably expect them to warm to you more in the future as they get used to you.
I suggest an immediate-family-only wedding (and their partners and any surviving grandparents) as a compromise. That should only be 10 or so people. You could do a small wedding then as a reception, have dinner in a private room at a restaurant. No need to do the big wedding and invite the extended family.
Post # 9
I feel for your situation. You have very little support – but you can get some.
Tell your finacee that the family situation is stressing you out. Tell him you love him deeply, but that you cannot choose a future where they are first before you.
Explain to him that you want to take some time to get some counseling and advise him lovingly to do the same.
You are supposed to be starting your own family. There will always be in-law problems, but your support comes first. Please get someone to talk this over with – there are many good therapists listed on the web site Psychology Today – designated by city.
Here is a link:
Don’t rush a wedding when you have little support as a person – it will not get better unless new boundaries are created. And you and your soon-to-be groom can do that with counseling.
Believe me – this is the best investment you can make for a happy future!
Post # 10
I don’t understand why eloping isn’t anoption. Saying it would start “world war 3” just confuses me because you just got finished telling us how nobody gives a damn. If that’s the case then why not elope? They already treat you poorly, no need to pay for that privledge.
Just do what you and your Fiance want to do. Then at least you know two people who will be happy.
Post # 11
Have you thought about having a destination wedding? You invite the family, but usually only the ones that can afford and want to attend, will. It may help weed out those that simply don’t want to go.
Post # 12
My husbands family likes me. But my family I am pretty much estranged from because I became tired of dealing with their crap 4&1/2 years back.
We decided to elope. It was the best choice for us, and we had a fantastic day. We didn’t have much to spend on a wedding either and didn’t want to stress out about making everyone else happy. Other than our mothers having a bit of shock, everyone else was thrilled for us. If there are people in your life who are unkind and unwelcoming to you, cut them out of your life, related or not!
Post # 13
If anyone treated me that poorly I would cut them out of my life, and if forced to interact with them I would be polite, but cold and to the point: “I’m sorry to interrupt you, Future Sister-In-Law, but in light of the way you’ve spoken to me and about me, I prefer not to talk to you. Please excusee.”
But then I dont really fear confrontation, and this hits home a bit because my future in-laws do like me but some of them were unkind to Fiance over the holidays and it has my blood up. So I have future in laws whom I’m not sure I can ever be close with…and I know it hurts.
I suggest surrounding yourself with people who cherish you and are kind to you! A rich, vibrant, loving social circle doesn’t have to mean immediate family.
And when you get married, totally elope or invite only those who have been supportive of you! When you think about it, there’s NOTHING they can do to you that they haven’t done.
Post # 14
@Gabthebee: I am not gonna lie I was/ am in the same boat to some extent… I see that your date isn’t for a couple years- I would just hold off. My fiance and I went ahead and planned it out. They don’t know many details but now that there are no decisions left they seem to be more interested.
I ended up asking his younger sister to be one of the bridesmaids, his 2 brothers are groomsmen, nephew is sign bearer, and his older sister is walking with the nephew as an escort.
Things seemed to smooth out after all of that was taken care of- the relationship is actually better. So much so I went over there for a couple hours on Christmas Eve. 🙂
Post # 16
I really wish your Fiance would get some balls and firmly tell his family to back off. He obviously hasn’t been firm enough if his sisters are still disrespectful toward you.