- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2010
I don’t know what I am looking for, whether it’s advice, empathy, or just a chance to vent. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this, so I am hoping by writing it here I will feel a little bit better.
So some background, I am an only child and the very last in my whole family (including extended cousins etc.) with our shared last name who is still of childbearing age. I always thought that when I had kids, I would give them my last name in order to continue the family line. Well now that I am 7 months pregnant, I am feeling really frustrated and a little guilty.
When my husband and I first started dating, I told him that I wanted any of my children to have my last name. He agreed that he was fine with this as he has a son from a previous marriage and his family has literally over 50 children under 18 (and a pretty common last name – not quite Smith, but definitely up there). When we got engaged, we talked about it again, because it was really important to me, and he said yes it was still okay with him.
Flash forward a bit… well it turns out that his son is not biologically his, that his ex-wife cheated on him (we found out by doing a DNA test). It has been really difficult for him and for both of us to get through. Legally there is nothing we can do because of the child’s age and the state we live in and even if we could, we love him, so we wouldn’t anyway. My husband is still his father and he loves him. The son is moderate-sever autistic, so this also makes things a challenge, but nothing we can’t get through.
Anyways, about a year after this news came out, we found out that we are pregnant and are super overjoyed! But he never wanted to talk about possible baby names with me… it was so weird. He then tells me that he’d like to hyphenate the baby’s last name, to show that it’s his. Well he and I don’t have the same last name (obviously) and I certainly do not feel any less married. I felt really upset about this because it’s not what we agreed on and also because I feel like I am being punished because his ex-wife was a cheater and a liar. I told him that I felt really sad about this and I really wanted to have a chance to pass on my family’s last name (and I do not think a hyphenated version is the same), but that I did understand how and why he felt that way. I suggested making his last name the baby’s 2nd middle name.
He told me that he needed to think about it for a while and then we would talk about it again. After a week, he came back to me and said that while he prefered hyphenated, he knew this was important to me and that he was okay if the baby had my last name. He said he would feel sad for a little while, but that it wouldn’t be something that would bother him for more than a few weeks. So the decision is 100% left up to me and he said he is okay either way. I know what I want to do, I want to give the baby just my last name. But I feel frustrated and guilty because I don’t want to hurt my husband’s feelings in any way. I just don’t know what to do, if I am being selfish or if I am just protecting the interest of my family and going with what we agreed on. I just feel so sad when I think about this.