Post # 17
A deal is a deal. It is normal to feel a little guilty but you have cleared it well beforehand. The unfortunate circumstances with his ex wife are very sad but should not impact the decision that was super important to you from the start.
As someone who had a hyphenated name, please don’t do it to the kid. It is cruel!
Post # 18
Have you spoken to your family about this? You might find that your mum and dad might expect you to give your child it’s father’s name.
Your guy might have reverted back to saying its ok just do whatever you want, but will this flare up again after the baby has been registered with only your name?
Post # 19
You could make your last name the baby’s middle and use your husband’s as the baby’s last name. Like married women do with their maidens sometimes.
I don’t mean to judge but I do think you are being a bit selfish. This is his child as well and there would be no reflection of his name on the child. I don’t know any man that would be comfortable with that.
Post # 20
I think it would be a tragedy if there would be no reflection of the mother’s name on the child 😉 To each their own and that is what they decided together.
Post # 21
@Irish-bride: Both my parents and his parents are fine with whatever we choose. They are expecting my last or my last-his last.
So it’s okay for it to be my last as middle and then use his last, but it’s not okay to use his last as middle (2nd) and my last? How is that fair? Not trying to start a fight, I just truly don’t understand the logic. For the record, he WANTS the baby to have my last name as a last or as part of it, he does not want it to be just his last name.
Post # 22
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Hyphenate with your last name first. For example: James Coco-Smith. When the kids get older they can decide whether to keep it hyphenated or drop one or the other. Plus, the kids will feel connected to both parents if you hyphenate. Using your last name first means that it will be said first and the kids may even choose to later drop Smith since it’s so common.
My FH was adopted by his stepdad so I figured he wouldn’t be attached to the name and we could use mine (I’m an only child.) Nope. It’s the only thing he is super old-fashioned about and he is fiercely protective of the bond he has with his adopted father through their shared last name.
Post # 23
Why not use both last names with no hyphen? Then he can choose which he wants to use or use both as he sees fit? I think in light of the circumstances it’s a bit unfair to hold him to your agreement.
Post # 24
@Schatzie821: I didn’t say that wasn’t okay, I was just offering another option. I think that his name should be reflected ESPECIALLY considering the new circumstances. It may suck for you but the situation has changed. Your husband is grieving a loss. It may not seem like anything has changed with the care of the child but something has changed in his heart and mind. Consider your husband’s feelings is all I’m saying. The fact that he brought it up to you means he has had a change of heart.
Post # 25
I would find it unrealistic if his parents are in total agreement with the child having only your last name. Obviously it’s not their choice, but they are bound to be thinking what is so wrong with their son’s surname being part of his own child’s name. By the way I think if this thread is anything to go by you will get this kind of response at some point.
Post # 26
To be perfectly honest, I’m surprised your husband was okay with this to begin with. I totally get women not changing their names and I have no issue with that but when it comes to naming children, I can absolutely understand why the father would want his child to have some form of his last name whether that is as a whole or hyphenated.
I imagine that finding out that your child is not really yours is pretty much the lowest blow that a man can take so it’s obvious that this would change his opinion on the matter. He says that this isn’t something that would bother him long term but I’d almost bet that it actually would and he could end up resenting you for it. I personally feel that hyphenating is really the only option here so that both parents can somewhat get their way.
Post # 27
I’m really surprised that several of the bees here think OP is the selfish one by not considering her husband’s last name in the first place. Not changing your last name and/or not giving it to your child does not mean that the you love your husband any less than those that do. OPs last name is clearly very dear to her and passing it on to her child is certainly not unreasonable. Knowing how important this was, she brought up the subject with her husband before they were married to make sure he knew the goalposts in advance. The latest developments with her husband’s other child are unfortunate and may cause her husband to rethink the situation but that does not mean OP has to budge. An agreement was already made – it’s just a shame OPs husband now feels differently. The fact that OP is considering hyphenating or incorporating her husband’s name is commendable, as is OP’s husband’s decision to let OP decide.
OP – if you think you can hyphenate and look at your child’s joint name for years to come without regret (and without being reminded of your husband’s cheating ex wife), then I imagine your husband will be really grateful. If, however, you’ll view it as a punishment, then stick with your original plan and please don’t feel guilty about it. You’re right that you shouldn’t be punished for someone else’s actions.
I really like the idea of adding your husband’s last name as a middle name. That way, if your child does feel strongly about one more than the other, they can easily drop one when they’re a little older. Also, names can easily be changed these days – it may be that with time and as your family grows, you may decide what was right now won’t be right for you as a family in a few years’ time. Do what’s right for you now (I suspect that may be keeping your name as the last name) but maybe let your husband know how hard a decision it has been and how much you appreciate him leaving it to you. The love you have for one another (i.e. you, husband, child) should transcend names. 🙂
Post # 28
@LiRo: +1000; very nice.
Also, I think guys are capable of rational thought and “getting over it” just as much as women are. The only reason I changed my name is because DH is an only child and I have a brother who is getting married and plans to have lots of kids to carry on the family name. If I hadn’t, we would probably have hypenated our name and the kid’s name. I have just as much right for my name to be there as DH does.
OP – if you guys make this decision together, it’s the right decision.
Post # 29
I can see how this is a very tender situation for both you and your husband.
Since it is tradition in the US to give the baby the father’s last name, if a child had only the mother’s last name, I would assume that the woman’s husband was not the father. Whether it is right or not, I think most people would assume the same. If I was your husband, that would uspet me, especially considering the new info about his son.
How long do you have before the baby is due?
Would your husband consider taking your name?
Post # 30
I believe from a previous post that you are having a girl. Therefore neither of your last names would continue anyways. Unless your daughter does what you are trying to do, then the family line would end.
I cannot understand your reasoning, but respect it. I think you and your husband need to decide what is right for you and you may not get the advice you are looking for on the bee since almost everyone gives their children the father’s last name as long as they are in the picture. I am sorry that plans changed and you are disappointed that something you always talked to your DH about has changed.
Would DH be okay with all of your daughter’s friends and friends parents calling him Mr. Your Last Name? People will automatically assume the your daughter has his last name.
Post # 31
@babymakes3: No he does not want to change his last name, he has an advanced degree (the main reason). He’s fully in support of me keeping my name though and doesn’t care that we have different names. I’m 7 months pregnant, so only about 2 months left. The news about my stepson is not “new,” we’ve known for almost 2 years.
I’m having a boy 🙂 And yes he wouldn’t care if he got called Mr. My Last Name, he’s really really laid back. Although in my circles kids generally call their friend’s parents by their first names anyways.
He and I had a mini convo about this a few minutes ago and he told me to stop stressing out about it that it’s not worth it and he is really okay either way. I realize that he’s not like most men and that a lot of others would feel really differently. Thank you again for all who have posted. He and I will continue to talk about this, but at least I have articulated the situation to make the conversation easier.
Thanks again to all who posted.