Post # 1
So my June 12th wedding is just under the 4 month mark and I am starting to feel super stressed out. This weekend kinda made me break and I am sitting here feeling alone and wanting to just cancel everything and say I’m done.
Stressor #1: After much prodding to all the bm’s my Sis/MOH was the first to order her Nordstrom’s off the rack Bridesmaid or Best Man dress, which all of the BM’s have known about since a year out. She received it last week and while most of the dress fits, her admittedly not huge chest will not fit. After a discussion we realize that Future Sister-In-Law will not be able to fit her FF’s in the dress without buying the largest size and have it completely remade. So this weekend I had to go with sis/moh to try on dresses, which meant I had to drive the 2hrs back home, where the wedding is going to be to do so. We found a new dress and now I have to make a color and length choice on it and send the info back out to the girls. Future Sister-In-Law is going to not like it since it is technically a strapless so she will not be able to wear a “normal” bra under it. Add that to the fact that all long she has hated just about every dress/color/whatever I picked out, and thought I should so something else. I know there will be a fight on this when we just don’t have time for it….they have to be ordered now inorder to make sure they are all here with time for all of the girls to get them altered. If we had even found this out 2-4 weeks earlier it would have made me breath easier about them getting here on time. Now I will stress till they each have the dress in hand.
Stressor #2: I found my dress in August…after getting a dress that didn’t fit me and trying to rework it to make it fit me. Decided to try and make it, then had my Mom decided she was going to buy it in October. Future Sister-In-Law got engaged in November. Since she has been with her man for years and they live together, we all knew it would happen sooner or later. She set a date for her b-day weekend October2010. In January I found a seller who had my dress and with my mom got it paid for and shipped. Then I went to FMIL’s house to dinner bouncing off the walls happy cause my dress was on the way, showed Future Mother-In-Law, Future Sister-In-Law, Fcousins and BM’s pics of me in the dress on my smart phone and used the same pics to help a Fcousin pick out flower girl dresses to order for her girls. Future Sister-In-Law looks at the pics and comments on how pretty it is and how flattering to me. (Just as a side note, the dress is strapless….no ability to wear a “normal” bra under it at all without the addition of straps.) 2 days later we are in FMIL’s garage working on a huge wedding craft project. When I take a brake Future Mother-In-Law asks me to show her the pics of my dress again and some of my other wedding stuff. I pull out my phone and show her the same pics I had showed everyone 2 days before, plus a few more that I had loaded that were close ups. 3 hrs later she goes dress shopping with Future Sister-In-Law. They comeback 4 hrs later as FH and I are getting ready to leave and say that they ordered her dress, do I want to see pics. I’m happy for her and say sure and have my heart sink when I realize it is my dress. I say that it is my dress and Future Sister-In-Law say and I quote “shut up it is not you are lying” to which I pull out my phone and show them my pics of it again. She says “oh it is the same” and Future Mother-In-Law says “well that doesn’t mean you have to get a different dress.” I said well I guess that just means you like to copy me and walked out. 3 weeks later she let me know that she had bought another dress….but not once did she ever say sorry for having her mom tell me I could get another dress or that we should wear the same dress and her not saying a word against that. Since then as “her” wedding ideas come out it reads more and more like our wedding…. We have a cocktail reception, so does she. We have a candy bar, so does she. So I have stopped talking to anyone in his family about our plans cause they all end up in her wedding too. Yes, I get that I’m first, but it is very frustration to see my 2+ years of planning this wedding and all my ideas get snagged by her.
Stessor #3: I feel like I am the only one interested in the wedding at all. My mom has no interest in my wedding. Every time I mention how hard planning is she says to elope. I mention how expensive feeding that many people is…I should elope. I mention how it feels like his family is taking things over… I should elope. I got a text while bm dress shopping from her asking what day my wedding is because she couldn’t remember. I get comments on how trying to plan a wedding that will be a balance of what I want and his family thinks is tacky and what his family wants and I think is tacky is putting to much pressure on myself. My sister/MOH is the only one I can talk to about stuff and she is busy with her 3 kids, husband and going to school fulltime. Even when talking to her I get that I am spending too much money (a wedding for 180 on $6,000 is too much?), thinking of too many things to diy, but then get a face when I say I am not doing things like chair covers. Yes I have a lot of DIY things on the plate, but that is what is making things look nice in the inexpensive place we have for a venue. Could I cut things out…yes, but they would be the personal touches I have been dreaming about for the last 2 yrs of planning. Fh is not crafty and mostly messes things up when he tries to help me. He does his best but he never gets what I try to show him to do/my ideas etc. So I end up doing most things myself to save from doing them again. I am tired from working and trying to keep all the diy stuff on track so I will be done with everything 2 weeks before the wedding so I can just stop and enjoy the wedding. At this point….I just want the wedding to be over already so I can stop having bad dreams about it.
I am sorry, ladies for this turning out to be so long, but I have no one else to talk to this about and am emotionally feeling extremely off balance at the moment.
Post # 3
Wow…first of all…breathe! I would recommend taking a week off of wedding planning. Don’t do ANYTHING wedding related. At all. Nothing. Don’t even think about your wedding. Go out with your Fiance, go out with friends, read a book, whatever you want. It will give you a break and help take some of the stress away.
Next, on dealing with the FSIL’s wedding: I can offer some insight from the OTHER side. We’re getting married 3 months after my Future Sister-In-Law. Initially she was upset with us for the date and even our colors because she thought it was too close to hers. It was never, ever our intention to do anything to steal her thunder. In fact, that’s why we picked to get married in October instead of have the April wedding that we wanted. I think it’s right for you to just keep mum on a lot of your wedding plans to them. Include them on the details that are relevant to them and let the rest be a surprise. But..keep in mind that her wedding is after yours so she could still steal your ideas once your wedding roles around. I think after both weddings happen you’ll realize that it really isn’t THAT big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. It’s not worth ruining a relationships with your new in-laws. That being said, it was REALLY crappy and shady of her buy the exact same dress. But it sounds like she has bought a different dress so I’d just be the bigger person and let that one go.
Finally, I’m really sorry about your mom’s lack of interest. That is a hard thing to deal with. Could you maybe explain to her that it really hurts your feelings when she shows such a lack of interest? Enjoy talking to your sister about things whenever you can and maybe call on some of your other bridesmaids. Enjoy talking to your Fiance. It sounds like he’s at least willing to talk about things even if he isn’t the best in terms of DIY projects. Maybe switch up some of your projects to be something he IS good at that way it will be personal for him as well as you AND it takes some of the load off of you. Is he good at building things? Have him build something. Is he a music buff? Give him that task, etc. Find SOMETHING he can do. It will help you cross something off your list and help him feel included because if he’s anything like my guy it’s a blow to his ego every time he messes up one of your projects that he knows means a lot to you.
Good luck and seriously take that break for a few days! You deserve it.
Post # 4
This made me stressed just reading it. I would hate to have to live it.
I totally agree with eeh. Take some time just for you. Even if you can just go to the next town over and spend a couple of nights at a hotel. You need a definate break.
Post # 5
Oh wow, my blood pressure rose just now. That is a LOT of stress! Mostly the part about your Future Sister-In-Law buying the exact same dress! It sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law intentionally steered her towards your dress!! That is totally shady. I really think you don’t need to worry so much about your copycat Future Sister-In-Law. Honestly, if her wedding is AFTER yours, then it will look just that; copied. Since everyone will already have seen all the same things at your wedding, hers will seem like an afterthought. And anyway, every wedding is different. Even if she had your dress, your colors, your decor, your flowers, it will STILL look like a completely different wedding no matter how much she tries. Weddings are something you just can’t copy. Try not to freak out about it.
For your Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, get the word out about what happened and explain that you need them to order their dresses ASAP. It’s not a democracy, it’s your wedding. Who cares if they want to complain about strapless or whatever?? The still have to buy and wear it. Just ignore them. I’m sure that part of your FSIL’s issues have to do with planning her own wedding, so she may be really stressed out as well. Try to take her emotional outbursts with a grain of salt.
Post # 6
Thank you Ladies! When I sat down to write this I was at a breaking point and just needed to get it all out. You are all right I need to take a step back and not think about the wedding for a bit. I also am taking a good hard look at the to diy list to see if there are some things I can honestly cut out without feeling like I am sacrificing something I want.
I am in no way shape or form unhappy with Future Sister-In-Law for picking a date in october. Never even crossed my mind, since the way I see it I only have a right to my weekend…not a whole year. Now if she had picked a weekend in June I may not honestly be able to say the same thing, but October is months away and she is in no way “stealing my thunder” over picking the same year. If she wishes to steal my ideas AFTER the wedding so be it….it’s just hearing all the things I have talked about doing for the last 2 years coming out of her mouth as her “ideas” that is really getting me down.
Post # 7
It sounds like you don’t have much of a support system, which is such a bummer! Especially since your mom is being so distant and your in-laws aren’t being cool about your wedding. Maybe if you sat down with your mom and explained how much she is hurting you by suggesting you don’t have your dream wedding and by not being part of it she will come around. Sometimes they just need a little reality check.. lol.. I know I had to jump my mom’s case just 2 weeks ago because she couldn’t remember how to spell my new last name. Bad mommy!
As for the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses.. I think they get put off a lot becasue everyone is hoping they’ll loose weight before the wedding and they want to give themselves as much time as possible. I’ve been guilty of doing the same thing. It really sucks that you have to order new dresses now though! Is it possible that you could just add straps to FSIL’s dress to make her happy? If you want them all to match I understand but it might be an easy fix if you don’t mind a little variation.
I also agree that you should quit sharing your wedding plans with the in’laws. She may steal your ideas no matter what but at least that way you didn’t hand them to her on a silver platter. I think this happens a lot because people don’t see enough weddings so they base their choices on what they’ve heard and she has heard so many great ideas from you. Though it is super annoying it’s also a compliment.
I hope you can take a break and come back refreshed and destressed! Good Luck!!
Post # 8
Another vote for taking a break. A day after I broke and cried that I was stressed out about trying to juggle all the stuff, Fiance packed up my DIY projects (nicely!) and took me out to dinner, out for book browsing and coffee, and then to a late movie. It was perfect, it was exactly what I needed.
It’s easy to let this wedding stuff take over your life. I totally understand. But you need to take a step back, even just a small one, breathe, and do something that reminds you why you’re going through all this in the first place.