Post # 1
Backstory: I moved my December wedding (rather unexpectedly) to Disney World from my NC hometown last month. My guest list was shortened and, surprisingly, there were no hard feelings. I feel like people were actually relieved that they no longer had to drive 2 hours to come see my second wedding… I talked to my MoH, but she said she probably couldn’t afford to go, even though my parents (she grew up in our house almost every afternoon and weekend) offered to let her go with them for free.
After doing some thinking, I decided to send her a letter. In the letter, I told her again how much it would mean for me to have my oldest friend with me when I say my vows. I included a check with my letter for the amount that she paid for her dress and shoes, as reimbursment, which I know is the best way to smooth things over with her mother, and the best way to make sure she has the money to come to Florida without making her feel like I’m giving her a handout (which she probably wouldn’t appreciate). I sent my letter and waited, figuring I’d give her the opportunity to come to me, rather than being overbearing.
Two weeks later, she finally contacted me. She contacted me to tell me that she wanted to come, but she didn’t know if she could because she didn’t know if she’d have the money and she didn’t know if she wanted to leave her two year old alone for three days and it’s close to Christmas. She lives with her mom and between her mom, grandma, and her boyfriends mom, she always has a babysitter. Her mom has already offered to keep the baby. She says she’ll think about it.
I know how she is and I’m really trying to be understanding. I have ALWAYS had to beg her to do anything, whether it be spend the night, go out to dinner, or anything else. My entire childhood with her has been this way. And yet, if I deny to beg her to do something, she tells her mom that I never talk to her. Her mom is the exact same way.
I suppose I’m just upset because I feel like I’ve made it possible for her to come and she just isn’t commiting to it. I might be overreacting, but I don’t know. What would you do in this situation?
Post # 3
I’m not really sure…maybe she is upset by the change of location and is doing this to show her disappointment? Maybe she really can’t afford it and doesn’t want to be a charity case. I know that I have 2 young daughter’s and Fiance and I discussed going to Disney when we went to FL for our honeymoon but I nixed it becasue I had guilt about going to Disney without my kids. Maybe she feels the same? Could you ask to meet her face to face and talk and tell her that you’re hurt by her actions? Maybe that will have her open up and to tell you what the problem really is.
Post # 4
Perhaps you’re right. I guess as far as not taking her kid to Disney, I don’t really see a point in taking a two year old on a Disney vacation. It’s not as if he would remember it – or as if it’s really a vacation for that matter. Everyone is planning to come in the day before the wedding and leave the day after. We live about an hour and a half apart, and every time I try to make plans to see her, whether I’m going there or she’s coming here, she always stops responding to my messages whenever I try to lock down a time or date. But like I said, if I don’t constantly try, I’m apparently not her friend. Ugh. I’m just frustrated.
Post # 5
For the in town wedding she had to come up a babysitter for the day, and perhaps for the rehearsal dinner. She only needed on day off of work, and travel expenses were non-existant.
Now she would have to find a babysitter for three days, spend two of those three days on driving or buy airline tickets. Get a hotel room for two nights. And likely give up least a day of work. The whole time she is there she will be surrounded by families with small children while she is spending money to be away from hers. (And I agree, it sounds like much less fun than a vacation.)
I would believe her if she said she might not be able to afford it. And yes, it might be much more of a commitment for your wedding than she is willing to make.
Post # 6
I have to agree with PP… it really might not be affordable. She has a baby so that is her first priority. It is alot to handle on such a short notice. Try to be a little more understanding OP .
Good luck and congrats on your wedding!
Post # 7
I guess I don’t see 8 months as short notice. That and I have already paid for her trip that is essentially free anyway because my family is paying for her gas and hotel room. Maybe I just need to expect less of people.
Post # 8
@vitani88: your gestures have been very generous. there could be a number of reasons why she is hesitant to committing. i do know some parents who have had a very difficult time leaving their child for even one night. maybe this could be part of the reason. does she work? sometimes just asking for time off work is difficult.
don’t take it personally if she declines.
Post # 9
OP you didn’t send her money for her travel, at least not that I can see in your post. You gave her a refund of her MoH expenses. You can’t expect her to apply that to come to your wedding! If she chooses to, that’s wonderful! But if money’s already tight with her, she’s just putting back what she nicked from other sources to pay or the dress! Heck, maybe she borrowed it from her mom and now her mom is asking for it back!
I’m not saying you shouldn’t be confused or upset that, 8 months in advance, she’s worried that she won’t have travel money. But your refund money should not be automatically counted as her travel money!!
Post # 10
She does work, but her grandfather is the manager and she already has the time off. As far as leaving her child, I’m sure it could be difficult (I don’t have children) but it’s 3 days over 7 months from now. That and he will be with his father or grandmother(s) the entire time. It just bugs me that she won’t tell me yes or no. She just tells me that she’ll think about it. That is what she and her mother have always said when they don’t want to do something. Always. I have known them both for 18 years.
Post # 11
Yes, this is true. I have always had a problem with expecting the same from people as I would do myself.
Post # 12
Here’s the thing— I would use the refund money to pay for the wedding travel. I would not, however, expect anyone else to do the same. I think in this scenario it’s just not a reasonable thing to expect.
Last month I went to Wales for the wedding of two friends. My fiancé and I paid all of our expenses, bought new outfits, and took time off from work (unpaid for my Mr). It was a difficult journey (a taxi, 2 planes, 3 trains, the London underground, and then a 4-hour car ride in EACH direction) but we were glad we did it. We’ve invited that couple to our wedding; they’re not rich but they’re comfortable, and they can get to our location with one train and a non-stop flight). I would be disappointed not to see them on our day, but I can certainly understand their absence if they can’t make it, and I won’t feel hurt (they’re still undecided so we’ll see).
Post # 13
OP I completely understand where you are coming from. This isn’t exactly like your story but I definitely had the same feelings. My wedding location is pretty far from my hometown, and for a while I was worried that my bridesmaids wouldn’t be able to make it (only one will be anywhere close to the wedding location). Out of 6 bridesmaids, one told me that she couldn’t make it. She wasn’t Maid/Matron of Honor but I was really close to her, and it was pretty upsetting to me. Initially I was really upset and actually stopped talking to her for a few months. More recently I’ve reached out again, but do not plan on really firmly re-establishing the relationship until after the wedding.
The other 4 distance Bridesmaid or Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor will likely be able to make it, but the best way for me to deal with all of this was to have backups ready in mind. We have definitively decided on 5 Bridesmaid or Best Man and 5 Groomsmen at this point, so if any had to drop out because of the distance I have two other girls who have already booked their tickets who I am close to and can ask to be Bridesmaid or Best Man. I definitely felt better after coming up with this plan.
Maybe you should have a backup Maid/Matron of Honor in case yours decides she can’t afford it? I know it will still be really upsetting, but at least this way it doesn’t leave you floundering. Good luck!
Post # 14
I think it is just one of those things you have to accept if you choose to have a destination wedding. And I definately think you have to get over it especially if you value your friendship with this person.
We had a Destination Wedding, invited 72 people all expenses paid (international airfares, accommodation, food, tours etc etc) but we still only had 32 people attend. 2 of my BM’s were unable to make it (one got pregnant yippee and the other, my own sister, had custody issues where her ex wouldn’t sign the passport apps for my niece and nephew and wouldn’t swapped custody weeks with my sister to allow her to come without the kids). My Aunt and Uncle and Future Brother-In-Law & wife didn’t come because they didn’t like the destination. All valid reasons especially to them.
Sure you can be disappointed that your long time friend can not make it to your wedding but like it was your choice to pick a destination wedding it is her choice to attend or not and you just need to accept her reasons whatever they are.