Post # 1
I’m torn and need some outside perspective, I’m not comfortable relaying this to our friends, but here I am nearly a whole year later and I’m feeling resentful every day. Sorry for the wall of text!
Just over a year ago we started talking about getting engaged, I mentioned (and my partner was happy with) the idea we’ll go pick out a ring together. For the first while he was talking about getting me a ring specially made and how he was excited to do that – his suggestion not mine. Then he went and spoke to a store, and when he realised he was looking at $2000US at this place he said he wasn’t spending that much on a ring. I was happy to stick to looking around stores (although slightly hurt – I didnt mention it) We discussed it and decided to look at rings around $1200. We ended up in a store and I’d narrowed it down to a couple of rings, one was $520, but the one that stood out and I really wanted was on sale for $1400. I was still indecided and asked what he thought. He started getting annoyed and saying he didnt like it, the cheaper one was nicer. He was totally uninterested, and it became really awkward with the sales assistant standing there. He wouldn’t look at me, and it was becoming humilitating. We went outside of the store between us and has a chat, and even though he said it was my decision, he wasn’t happy. At this point I should have stopped the process, I was about to burst into tears and felt humiliated. What should be an exciting experience together was so so embarassing. He got home, and apologised and said he was feeling pressured into spending more money, and worried about how much this would cost. But said it was my decision. I felt bad so chose the cheaper ring, thinking it wasn’t important, and telling myself I was being ridiculous.
Since then I’ve slowly started getting more resentful, I still look at the ring and think of our experience in the shop, and the face of the sales assistant, him looking away from me, and wonder why I didn’t just stop the process then. Also since then he crashed his car, we agreed on a budget of around $7000 for a new one, he couldn’t find anything so insisted he wanted to spend $8000 so he could find something, and then when he found one he really drooled over and wanted it was $9500 that we ended up spending. I wanted him to have something he likes as he’ll have it a while so didn’t argue it. But the more I think about it and look at my ring I get resentful over the whole shopping experience, and wonder why he behaved like he did, and I’m still so hurt about it. When I brought it up he got angry and upset and said he let me choose – but I didn’t feel like I could choose what I wanted 🙁
Do I need to get over this? Am I being too bratty here? Finances weren’t an issue at the time, but the whole car situation has added to my resentment. Also we both work fulltime, all our money is joint. We jointly paid for the ring & car.
Post # 2
I would be hella annoyed. He balked at spending an extra what?.. $900 bucks on a ring but couldn’t wait to spend an extra $2500 on a car? He could have just as easily gotten something cheaper. I would bring up the fact that you had to settle due to his miserly behavior and he needs to settle for a cheaper car because you don’t think you should spending that much money either. Fair is fair.
Post # 3
If you jointly paid for the ring, why wouldn’t you pick the more expensive one and offer to pay the difference or something? Honestly I think you kind of dug yourself into a hole by biting your tongue. Instead of communicating you shrunk away and are now blaming the resentment on him.
That said, he went $2500 over budget on the car. What’s your budget for a wedding band? You could look at putting more $$ towards a killer band. But you could also talk to the jeweller and see if they’d take it back or use it as a trade in for the other one you like.
Post # 4
Ah I’m sorry bee. That really sucks. Yes, maybe you should have spoken up. But the issue is that it even came to the point of you having to speak up. He shouldn’t have balked at a $200 difference like that unless y’all were truly strapped for cash at the time. Its clear he just wanted you to pick the cheaper ring cause it was cheaper, irregardless of your preference. I can imagine how awkward that’d be in front a sales associate. I don’t have advice, I hope others do! Just wanted to say I don’t think you are in the wrong and that it’s easier to think about “speaking up” after the fact.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry bee. This is a tough situation. If possible, on a good day (no ambushing), have a heart to heart with him and let him know how you feel. If you’ve been holding this in for a year there’s a chance it could breed resentment later on if you dont let it out.
I wasn’t over the moon over my initial ring but all those boards saying that if you ‘complain’ you’re ungrateful made me really hestitant to speak up. However, I also know myself well enough that it would bother me forever. I kept quiet but he noticed something was off and the floodgate just broke down one night. He was understandable upset since he did so much research but he also is practical – if he’s spending this much, better be something I love. so we went back and picked another one out – which which surprisingly a stressful process because of difference in style preference and $$. 6mo later, I have my new ring and we even started joking about it.
This is your future life partner. Finance is an important part of everyday life and you should both be able to speak frankly about your concerns and agree on how you want to spend money. If he is fairly understanding, I’d say get a new ring if you are not attached to the current. If it’s likely he will get resentful in return, compromise at redesign or make sure you get the wedding band you like. But whatever route you choose, you both need to 100% agree, least this repeats itself with one of you in the future.
Best of luck bee 🙂 I hope you find a win-win solution!
Post # 6
First off, I’m sorry you’re not completely happy with your ring. Next, it is clear that communication in your relationship needs worked on. If you share finances, big financial decisions like purchasing a ring and a car should be both carefully discussed and extensively discussed. It sounds like your fiancé steps all over you and your opinions and you allow that to happen. You deserve to have equal input and say. As for the resentment, I think you should sit down with him and talk to him about how you’re feeling. It might lead to a fight, but it’s a discussion you need to have if you want to move on from this.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry for the experience you had. But in my honest opinion you should have stuck up for yourself and got the ring you liked. You could have even offered to chip in the difference As you can see your significant other had no problem busting the budget for what he really wanted. And while his behavior at the store was uncalled for he did apologize according to you and YOU are the one who chose the cheaper ring. It’s not really fair to continue holding resentment for that. Maybe you guys can upgrade in a few years as an anniversary gift?
Post # 8
Sorry but your Fiance sounds manipulative and uncaring towards your feelings. Your engagmenet ring is a symbol of his commitment to you – it should be one you are happy with and he shouldn’t bully you into another one. Meanwhile… a car because he drools over it? Gross.
You need to better your communication before you marry this guy
Post # 9
Yep, i’d be pissed. It’s clear that a ring for you was not a priority and didn’t warrant a $200 (16%) increase in budget, while a car that is important to him justifies $2500 (31%) extra. That’s what I would call some selfish, self centered bullshit.
I feel like you need to call that out, otherwise you might be facing a life time of your wishes always taking a back seat to his priorities.
Post # 10
Can you clarify, by your post I was under the impression that you didn’t even get a $1200 ring but settled for the $520 one
Post # 11
I don’t think you’re being too bratty and I definitely don’t think it’s something you need to just get over. Finances are very important in a marriage and it does not seem like you are both on the same page right now. This is something you are definitely going to want to discuss with your fiance more because if not, a similar situation could happen in the future.
I went through a similar experience with the ring my husband proposed with and while our disagreement was not over the price but the style and color of the ring, when we left the store I started to resent the ring he had given me and the ring that we had talked out exchanging it for prior to even going to the store. We left the store to get the original ring resized but I was so upset about the whole experience that ended up talking about it that night because I really don’t like holding certain things in and I was really upset. In the end, we ended up going online together and he let me design the ring I wanted, with a budget of course.
While I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and I completely understand the whole resentful thing, I definitely think it would have been better to have discussed it as soon as it happened or immediately after (no more than a day later). He does sound a bit selfish but I also know that men don’t always see the importance of things like this to us. But, the fact that he was not willing to put a little more towards the ring that you could have forever and even pass on but is okay with going that much over budget for a car that will probably last him 20 years tops, is the worst part. Since you paid for part of your ring anyways, you definitely should have gotten the ring you really wanted or not have been so willing to go over budget for the vehicle. Keep in mind though that you can always get another ring.
Does the store you purchased it from have an upgrade policy?
Post # 12
I’m sorry bee. This is not a healthy power dynamic. I think you have two choices:
1. Bring it up. Does he respect your feelings, can he understand this isn’t an attack on him, is he willing to revisit the ring choice and possibly rebudget with you?
2. Evaluate your relationship. Is this power dynamic a common theme? Does it play out in what you all do, who you visit, other fun purchases? Is he consistently louder about his wants, does he make you question the validity of yours?
Post # 13
You’re not being bratty.
Personally, I’d have an open discussion about what you laid out here. I’d stop wearing the engagement ring as soon as you get the wedding band (and make sure you get one you LOVE).
Also, if he continues to be stingy about nice things you want but willing to splurge on himself, I’d likely be looking to separate some of your finances a little more.
Post # 14
Separate your finances and speak up sooner. You have different priorities. That is fine. But when using joint money, he gets pissy and stingy when spending on you, and he splurges on himself. That is gross. Is this a reoccurring issue in your relationship? A year later, you’re still upset. You better hash this out before you get married.
Look at your history very carefully. Are you the one who usually gives into what he wants? When you want to splurge on yourself, does he give you attitude to the extent that you end up giving in, while he is satisfied that he deferred to your “choice”?
I could not maintain joined finances with someone like this. I’m not sure if I could be in a relationship with someone like this. I would want my partner to be generous with me, and I’d extend the same.
I spent 3200 on DH’s ring. It was painful to spend that much on a men’s ring, but that’s what he wanted and that’s how much he had spent on my ring. It mattered to him, so it mattered to me. I don’t see such mutual caring in your relationship.
Post # 15
You both need to work on your communication. You said you’d agreed to spend ‘around $1200’ – from the sound of it, you thought that $1,200 was a start price, while he thought it was the maximum. So you think he’s being unfair not to go $200 over, while he thinks you would exceed the budget by $200 if you did that. And then the same thing happens in reverse with the car. You need to set clear financial limits (researching the item first, so you know what is a reasonable amount to spend) and stick to them. And if one partner is regularly pushing for an increased budget for their items while pushing for a decreased budget for the other partner’s purchases…that’s another conversation that needs to be had. I would call a halt on any wedding planning until you have this resolved.