@passionfruitbee: You need to put any wedding planning on hold right now. You are not in a good place for marriage. I agree with PPs that you have major communication issues.
- “We discussed it and decided to look at rings around $1200.” So you guys agreed to pick out a ring together. Did you discuss how the ring would be purchased? Would it be just him paying or would you two split it? Did you guys talk about that at all?
Because if you two agreed that you would split it, then you should have discussed thoroughly what the budget would entail- around $1200 is a bit vague- is $1200 the maximum? Or just a starting point with the flexibility to go up if you found something that you loved?
Anyway, sometimes these things happen and don’t always go perfectly so let’s move on to the next thing.
- We ended up in a store and I’d narrowed it down to a couple of rings, one was $520, but the one that stood out and I really wanted was on sale for $1400.“
Ok so you found 2 very different rings that spoke to you- one way under budget and one $200 over. You told your SO you were undecided and he at first glance wanted you to get the cheaper ring. So maybe he thought that would be the best way to pick if you were undecided.
However, it sounds like you then told him how much you liked the other one that was $1400 and then he dug his heels in and started pressuring you to get the cheaper ring.
It seems pretty clear that he knew that you really wanted the more expensive ring and he didn’t want to pay that much so he started acting out.
- This was your chance to speak up. If he was unaware of how important an engagement ring was to you, this would have been the perfect opportunity for you to convey to him that it is important that you get something you love.
- Instead, you caved in and went with the other ring: “I felt bad so chose the cheaper ring, thinking it wasn’t important, and telling myself I was being ridiculous.” Why is it ridiculous to want to love the engagement ring you pick out that you will wear for the rest of your life?
Listen, bee, you paid for half of the ring. What you were wanting is not unreasonable- you were not asking HIM to foot the bill for a ring 5 times his budget- that would be unreasonable. It’s even worse because YOU contributed to this ring that was your second choice. If you are contributing to something, you should have a say in the final decision. He manipulatively told you it was your choice but he made a scene and tried to make you feel like there was only one choice. You caved in and went along with it.
- Now you see how hypocritical he has been when the tables are turned. Again, you BOTH paid for this car. He decided he just HAD to have a more expensive car $2500 over budget.
**So he wasn’t willing to go over budget by a measly $200 for you for a once in a lifetime ring but yet was fine with going thousands over budget for a car that will last maybe 10-15 years at best?
If it was just him buying this stuff it would still be bad but it’s even worse because you are paying for this stuff that you dont want! You just go along with it.
Why do his wants trump yours?? Why did you not stand up for yourself in either of the above scenarios?
There are multiple issues here:
- Your communication is horrible. You let an entire year go by and you are getting more and more resentful about something you should have handled a year ago, as it was happening.
- There is a huge power imbalance in your relationship based on your post. You don’t stand up for yourself. So in a way, your resentment is your fault- you had the chance to get what you wanted and you didn’t. Instead, you told yourself you were being ridiculous and you talked yourself out of getting what you really wanted.
- Your Fiance sounds like a selfish ass. When you told him that you wanted the more expensive ring, he made a scene instead of being open-minded to exploring your options. Even if you didn’t end up getting THAT ring, he would have known what style you like and you could have agreed to search elsewhere. Instead, he pressured you to get something you didn’t want just because he wanted his half to be cheaper.
He should have valued your input, as you are the one who will be wearing this ring for the rest of your life. If you both were contributing, and the money was tight, you could have taken the info on the ring and discussed finding a way to finance that specific ring; getting that style custom made and researching quotes to find a lower price; or looking online for the same style and maybe a smaller diamond.
It doesn’t sound like money was an issue, however. And even if you were not contributing to the ring, he still should wanted you to have what you really want. Isn’t that what you would want for him? “I wanted him to have something he likes” Exactly.
I get that engagement rings are expensive and sticker shock is a real thing; however, how he acted really says it all. He was acting like a child and you appeased him because you felt guilty for wanting something nice.
He is manipulative and cheap with you, yet blows money on himself. I’m concerned that this is just how he is.
You can and should definitely have a serious discussion about this because this will affect every aspect of your lives going forward if you don’t address this now. Chances are this is how he is and he probably wont change but you need to know what his response is so you can decide how to move forward.
If you have a heart to heart and tell him how much the ring meant to you then maybe he will finally get it and try to make amends somehow. Even so, I recommend couples counseling to really address this.
If he still refuses to acknowledge your feelings, then I for sure would not marry him