Feeling resentful about my engagement ring experience

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

Such good insights from everyone, and I would not have much to add, except to say that I have re-read your painful post twice, and I am just not sure this man is capable of loving, honoring, and cherishing you in the way I would hope that a husband would.

Post # 17
Member
2031 posts
Buzzing bee

@passionfruitbee:  You need to put any wedding planning on hold right now. You are not in a good place for marriage. I agree with PPs that you have major communication issues.

  1. We discussed it and decided to look at rings around $1200.” So you guys agreed to pick out a ring together. Did you discuss how the ring would be purchased? Would it be just him paying or would you two split it? Did you guys talk about that at all? 

Because if you two agreed that you would split it, then you should have discussed thoroughly what the budget would entail- around $1200 is a bit vague- is $1200 the maximum? Or just a starting point with the flexibility to go up if you found something that you loved?

Anyway, sometimes these things happen and don’t always go perfectly so let’s move on to the next thing.

  1. We ended up in a store and I’d narrowed it down to a couple of rings, one was $520, but the one that stood out and I really wanted was on sale for $1400.

Ok so you found 2 very different rings that spoke to you- one way under budget and one $200 over. You told your SO you were undecided and he at first glance wanted you to get the cheaper ring. So maybe he thought that would be the best way to pick if you were undecided.

However, it sounds like you then told him how much you liked the other one that was $1400 and then he dug his heels in and started pressuring you to get the cheaper ring. 

It seems pretty clear that he knew that you really wanted the more expensive ring and he didn’t want to pay that much so he started acting out.

  1. This was your chance to speak up. If he was unaware of how important an engagement ring was to you, this would have been the perfect opportunity for you to convey to him that it is important that you get something you love.
  2. Instead, you caved in and went with the other ring: I felt bad so chose the cheaper ring, thinking it wasn’t important, and telling myself I was being ridiculous.” Why is it ridiculous to want to love the engagement ring you pick out that you will wear for the rest of your life?

Listen, bee, you paid for half of the ring. What you were wanting is not unreasonable- you were not asking HIM to foot the bill for a ring 5 times his budget- that would be unreasonable. It’s even worse because YOU contributed to this ring that was your second choice. If you are contributing to something, you should have a say in the final decision. He manipulatively told you it was your choice but he made a scene and tried to make you feel like there was only one choice. You caved in and went along with it.

  1. Now you see how hypocritical he has been when the tables are turned. Again, you BOTH paid for this car. He decided he just HAD to have a more expensive car $2500 over budget.

**So he wasn’t willing to go over budget by a measly $200 for you for a once in a lifetime ring but yet was fine with going thousands over budget for a car that will last maybe 10-15 years at best? 

If it was just him buying this stuff it would still be bad but it’s even worse because you are paying for this stuff that you dont want! You just go along with it.

Why do his wants trump yours?? Why did you not stand up for yourself in either of the above scenarios?

There are multiple issues here:

  1. Your communication is horrible. You let an entire year go by and you are getting more and more resentful about something you should have handled a year ago, as it was happening.
  2. There is a huge power imbalance in your relationship based on your post. You don’t stand up for yourself. So in a way, your resentment is your fault- you had the chance to get what you wanted and you didn’t. Instead, you told yourself you were being ridiculous and you talked yourself out of getting what you really wanted.
  3. Your Fiance sounds like a selfish ass. When you told him that you wanted the more expensive ring, he made a scene instead of being open-minded to exploring your options. Even if you didn’t end up getting THAT ring, he would have known what style you like and you could have agreed to search elsewhere. Instead, he pressured you to get something you didn’t want just because he wanted his half to be cheaper.

He should have valued your input, as you are the one who will be wearing this ring for the rest of your life. If you both were contributing, and the money was tight, you could have taken the info on the ring and discussed finding a way to finance that specific ring; getting that style custom made and researching quotes to find a lower price; or looking online for the same style and maybe a smaller diamond.

It doesn’t sound like money was an issue, however. And even if you were not contributing to the ring, he still should wanted you to have what you really want. Isn’t that what you would want for him? “I wanted him to have something he likes” Exactly.

I get that engagement rings are expensive and sticker shock is a real thing; however, how he acted really says it all. He was acting like a child and you appeased him because you felt guilty for wanting something nice.

He is manipulative and cheap with you, yet blows money on himself. I’m concerned that this is just how he is.

You can and should definitely have a serious discussion about this because this will affect every aspect of your lives going forward if you don’t address this now. Chances are this is how he is and he probably wont change but you need to know what his response is so you can decide how to move forward.

If you have a heart to heart and tell him how much the ring meant to you then maybe he will finally get it and try to make amends somehow. Even so, I recommend couples counseling to really address this.

If he still refuses to acknowledge your feelings, then I for sure would not marry him

Post # 18
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

I think the biggest issue here is your discomfort talking about money.

Before you continue wedding planning, you need to get incredibly comfortable talking about finances. Having feelings about spending money is totally natural, but when you combine your life with someone, you have to be able to express your concerns without awkwardness. That’s not to say you have to AGREE, but you both have to be able to comfortably share how you want to spend your money and how certain expenses make you feel. Honestly, it’s impossible to have a happy marriage when one (or both) of you feels resentment about expences. 

Do I like telling my partner that it’s probably not in our best financial interest for him to be on a subscription for expensive toiletries? No… it’s “his money” and he should be able to spend it. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to be the only one saving “my money” to pay for “our vacation.” So we talk about it. We make sure we’re on the same page with how money is spent, how money is saved, and what is allocated to personal “spend money.” It’s imperitive to a healthy marriage to be able to have those talks, because there will come a day when spending money is a matter of “how do we help cover our portion of a parent’s funeral” or “how do we pay for this expensive medical procedure,” rather than things like rings and cars. You have to be on the same page. 

 

 

Post # 19
Member
2072 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I just realized that you guys split the cost of the ring.  He didn’t balk at paying an extra $200, he balked at paying an extra $100!!!   That is some cheap, selfish bullshit!

This man has just shown you his selfishness in addition to the fact that he values HIS needs but devalues YOURS and you simply jumped on the bandwagon.   These are red flags I hope you’re paying attention too.  Oh wait, you’re resentful….that means you ARE paying attention.  But…….are going to stay on that bandwagon of devaluing your needs too?

When will your needs count bee?

Post # 20
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I disagree with a lot of bees stance when it comes to rings. I get that it’s a gift and that you’re going to keep it for your life, but I don’t think those fact automatically entitle you to something that’s more than the person giving the gift wants to spend. So assuming he thought you agreed to $1200, yeah I can see why he was frustrated to see the price go up, particularly when in his eyes you also liked a much cheaper one.

All that said, it does sound like you do have serious communication issues. You should stand up for yourself, and should be with someone who you feel you CAN stand up for yourself with. I’m really not sure if this is an issue of him being an asshole or of you just not having the guts to speak up for yourself, or both. But either way it’s not a healthy foundation for a marriage.

 

Post # 21
Member
7802 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

My ex-husband was like this. Whenever it was something I wanted he fought to scrimp and whenever it was something he wanted he fought to splurge. I like to make people happy and for too long I went along. When I finally started asserting myself and standing up for my needs/wants it was ugly. Sadly I learned over time he was equally willing to prioritize a $1,000 coat for himself over music lessons for our children, etc., etc. Did I mention he’s my EX? Don’t be me. Keep some money separate. Speak up now and if you can’t work it out move on. 

Post # 22
Member
46 posts
Newbee

View original reply
@passionfruitbee:  this whole thing just gives me a bad vibe. Obviously I don’t know all the details, but it seems like he’s perfectly comfortable (or even prefers) making you second priority while he makes himself #1 priority. F that. It’s not even about having an expensive ring. It’s about how he handled it. The way people handle situations can tell you SO much about who they are. If this type of behavior is normal for him, I’d take a huge step back and rethink becoming his wife. Good luck bee 

Post # 23
Member
2024 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@beethree:  I agree that OP’s fiancé is likely similar to your ex. I think to a certain degree most people wouldn’t understand an expensive purchase the other partner wants to make simply becuase it doesn’t mean as much to them as their partnerZ however, it’s crazy to have so much pushback on a purchase that the guy was practically throwing a tantrum at the jewelry store. Plus the ring is a purchase that symbolizes a joint meaning and he should care it’s a nice ring. 

OP, ask yourself if this is how your fiancé always is about spending. You need to know now if he is always going to be approaching expenses in this way or not. If I were you I would also have a chat with him and make it clear that his attitude while ring shopping isn’t acceptable and cannot continue. If he has a problem with something he needs to communicate, throwing a tantrum like a 5 year old isn’t something you want in a husband and you won’t sign up for a lifetime of that. 

Since you seem to have different views on spending, getting some pre marital counseling is a good idea. You can tell the counselor that one of the topics you want to iron out is financial goals and spending. 

Post # 24
Member
7171 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

It sounds to me like you need to get more comfortable taking up space in your relationship. Your SO sounds like he’s quite comfortable doing so.

Post # 25
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

Maybe he’s not sure about marriage and doesn’t want to invest too much in a ring.

Post # 26
Member
5133 posts
Bee Keeper

I hope you havent already married this man.

Post # 27
Member
1658 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@passionfruitbee:  Is your name on the car title? The two transactions together seem like a great deal for him, netting him in excess of $3500. I don’t think that those that are saying you should have spoken up, that you chose the cheaper ring, or that you could have paid the difference understand that when someone is manipulative and responds as he did previous, it doesn’t feel like a choice. Moreover, in your case, it seems like joint finances means that you share expenses, but he makes all of the decisions.

Post # 28
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

Can you return your ring and get the one you really like? If so, I think you should explain to him that you felt hurt that he seems to only see dollars signs with the ring not your happiness, and yet has not problem spending on himself, and you guys should go in there together and get the ring you love. 

Post # 29
Member
26 posts
Newbee

101 rule never let a man cheapen you.

why did u pay for half the ring?

why are u paying 50/50with a man?

Why are you working full time and getting married?

are u gonna get married then a baby and still work full time? Ie still pay 50/50?

why are ya accounts together with your money in it?

if u discussed it already why did u switch up on u when ya got there?

why get married if you have to still work?

that attitude that he has is super nasty and I would never put my money together with anyone who cheapen me.

Sell the ring and leave him.

you can find a actual roommate, go 50/50 with him/her and still be better off.

[removed promo mention]

Post # 30
Member
976 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@Caro2:  Did you seriously just ask why get married if you still have to work? I’m not sure where you live but most people need 2 incomes and get this…..women like to have careers??? Imagine that 

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