(Closed) Feeling resentful, frustrated, not sure how much more of this I can take…

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It’s a life experience, like anything else.  Kids, first kiss, career, marriage, ect.  All life experiences we’re socially conditioned to desire.  As women, kids and marriage are usually on the top of the “list.”  It’s great that you never really caught the marriage or children “bug,” (I don’t mean this as an insult at ALL, I find your posts very insightful and interesting, but I do wonder why you hang around a website called the “weddingbee” if you don’t desire to get married or have kids..) but for the vast majority of American women, this is indeed the case. There’s really nothing wrong or abnormal about it.

Post # 33
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

And can I just tell you I absolutely LOVE the phrase “diamond encrusted oasis”?  Must find a way to work that into conversation…  ๐Ÿ˜€

Post # 34
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

@lezlers:

I know I’m the abnormal one here, lol!  I don’t take it as an insult at all and I do enjoy your posts as well.  I actually love weddings and love helping my girlfriends plan and everything so I’m not a total anomaly! ๐Ÿ™‚

My bf and I after 7 years have been discussing taking the plunge for the benefits that come from marriage (taxes, being able to make decisions for each other, legal issues, so that I can wear an awesome gown;), and to make our dog an honest furbaby) so I’ve been looking all over the internet searching for info and etiquette on eloping, DWs and other ways to do this without a ton of hoopla – and found this site.  It’s really a great site and having already had a wedding once it’s fun to see what the other girls are doing.  Just wanted to qualify my presence lest I look like a wierdo looking through sites that I have nothing to do with ๐Ÿ˜›

Lol – thanks = please let me know if you were able to work the oasis remark into conversation ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 35
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

luckyprincess,

I agree with a lot of what you say.  I’m also someone who never wanted to get married, I wanted to get married to a specific person – once I found that person. 

However, to use your very own example.  If I had always told my husband that I wanted children, if he would talk about our future children all the time but every time I brought up anything conrete he seemed shocked and refused to agree to start trying or even develop a timeline for when he wanted to start trying.  After a year or two I would have a serious freak out – I’d throw a fit and make him tell me what the hell is going on and what he really wants – this would be a huge huge problem and I don’t think a person would be entirely out of line to leave someone because of it.  It would almost be worse than someone actually saying “I’m not sure about children for reasons x, I need more time” because for the second you can make a mature decision to wait but the other is someone f*king with your head.  And that is wrong.

Her bf knows she wants to marry him.  He talks about it all the time.  He is shocked, just shocked, when actual contrete timse are brought up.  To me that’s alarming.

Post # 36
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

@Arachna:
I agree, I think that perhaps he is a dreamer and not very good at ‘doing’, especially after reading OPs latest post.  I also agree that if she stays with him, she needs to set some boundaries about him talking about it.  Plus, it seems there is a lot of guessing and hinting and spying (no judging here) going on about if he is really going to do it.  But if waiting to hope he’s going to do it is causing the poor OP such strife I say stop the waiting bs – I’m thinking that if she’s feeling like leaving him than we’re beyond the ‘surprise romantic proposal’ point. If he is the one, then propose to him in some way and then you’ll know.  But the only one that knows for sure if he is ‘the one’ is the OP. 

Post # 37
Member
8 posts
Newbee

WOOOOW! I so know how you feel on this one… I feel the same way. But here is some advice that you may want to keep in mind. 

I resented my boyfriend to the point where we would fight which got us nowhere. I have been with my bf for 5 and 1/2 years “waiting” for about a year and a half. The thing is the resentful feeling will definitely go away and instead it will bite you in the butt.

I wanted to be engaged so bad that when he was finally ready I got so scared. What happened was I put up a huge wall since he was taking forever, when it was time to talk business I couldn’t let that wall down. Since he threw the engagement talk under the bus a year and half ago, I do right back at him.

Now, I am still not engaged. However, I know it is coming and I am so scared. He wanted to go look at rings and he had to drag me in there.

If you start to resent him, you guys will fight, and if you fight you will push him away and he wont want to propose. If you put up a wall because you are being stubborn about the situation then it will be hard to put that wall down. 

I know its frustrating but you have to let him guide you. Try really hard to be positive!!!!

Post # 38
Member
492 posts
Helper bee

@sepilove: I want you to know that I know EXACTLY how you feel because I feel the same way. For those who don’t want marriage or kids then good for you. But for those of us who do then there is a timeline to it. Life is short. You don’t want to let it pass you by and regretting your choices. There is a woman I know that’s been waiting for 14 years. Utterly ridiculous if you ask me! It goes back to the old saying “why by the cow if you can have the milk for free”. It’s okay to let him lead the train but the woman needs to steer sometimes.

I’ve been with my Boyfriend or Best Friend for 3 1/2 years. I told him in Jan 2010 that I would not go into 2011 without being engaged. Period! I don’t think he took it seriously. So I mentioned it a few months ago again and we went ring shopping twice. My bday was the other day and no proposal! I was so upset. Just because time is running out. And regardless if he felt the severity of it or not. I WIL NOT go into 2011 without a ring. That’s just me. To each their own. I feel like the original poster is a very stable, established woman that knows what she wants. Therefore you should set your standard and not change it for anyone. It’s not about loving or not loving your man. It’s about the commitment and moving forward with your life vs. staying in limbo.

I totally feel the original poster with her resentment and anger. It hurts. Women (most) are emotional creatures. I have gone through my days. Especially this weekend (my bday) with no proposal. I simply told him “actions speak louder than words….and I’m tired of waiting”. If that doesn’t say it all then I don’t know what does. I don’t really agree with giving an ultimatium per say. But I’ve been telling my Boyfriend or Best Friend that my patience is quickly running out. I don’t want to tell him “yeah at 11:59p on Dec. 31st I’m out” Although they may work I want to put some fire under him but not with too much pressure.

Post # 39
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I just wanted to chime in on this one becuase I never wanted to get married either until I met my Ex and then I really wanted it WITH HIM. I wish I’d realized earlier that marriage was in the cards for me, perhaps I would have qualified him a little better…LOL!  Maybe with that experience behind me I can be more aware, and protect me heart a bit better.

It’s not like a car or a sweater but it’s a big life step. Do you want to be alone or have a partner in your life? I didn’t realize it was important and then when I met someone I connected with so deeply, it threw me off. I wanted it Bad. And it was excruciating.

“I really hate that when a driven woman that wants something – especially in terms of marriage – makes her “obsessed” and “pushy” etc, etc.”

Thanks for saying that! It reminded me of this quote from Gloria Steinem: “A man is aggressive if he starts a war. A woman is agressive if she puts you on hold”.

So hooray for the women out there who know what they want!!!

Post # 41
Member
15 posts
Newbee

@sepilove:  Good luck with the exam!  I feel like I am in such a similar situation as you!  My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 and a half years and he never brings up marriage, the future etc.  I have had a couple talks with him and he has confirmed that within a year he will be able to decide if we will get married or if we should break up.  Usually our relationship is smooth but lately I can’t help but feel resentment towards his lack of planning or care about the future.  I also plan on applying to grad school in a year and I told him that by that point in time, he needs to either be with me 100% committed and engaged or we need to part ways.  So now I am waiting too – I gave him my deadline and he gave me a timeline – I guess I’ll see what happens.  It still frustrates me though when I think of all the time and effort I put into the relationship and loving him that he still isn’t ‘sure.’    Recently I have been getting upset with him more and he has noticed this.  I told him it is a result of my feelings of frustration due to the uncertaintly of our relationship at 3.5 years still.  My advice would be to stick to your timeline/deadline and see what he does.  At least he told you he saw you as the woman he wanted to marry.  Then it’s up to him to man up and get the balls to take the next step.  Women can’t wait forever and some men don’t understand that concept.  His actions are louder than his words.  If he proposes before your deadline – congratulations :-).  If he doesn’t, it will be clear he is either too immature, doesn’t know what he wants or is too tied to his bachelorhood.  When you think of it in those terms, I wouldn’t want to be dedicated to someone like that anyway.

Post # 42
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Your situation is definitely…not enviable.  Med school is like…basically a 6 yr minimum commitment once you get done with residencies.  And it’s really hard to care for young children during that time.  I’m positive that you know this already, but does he?  My doc program is only 4 years with a 1 year residency, but I had to make it really clear to my bf that it’ll be 5 years at least before I’m ready for kids, and that’s if I DON’T want to establish my career before having them and if I plan on having them out of wedlock.  So then I had to explain to him that perhaps we should get married towards the middle/end of my schooling so that we can spend more than 9 months as a married couple before having kids.  As a pre-MD, I’m sure you can appreciate the whole “your eggs don’t last forever” idea, so I’m pushing really hard to have my 2 kids before 35.  So the time constraint is clear. 

Have you ever tried approaching him with more of a sad attitude?  I didn’t read all the responses, but I did read all of yours.  It seems that last time it started as an argument and you angrily asserted what you wanted.  Which can work sometimes, but it evidently doesn’t work alll that well with your man (I mean…apparently, right?).  But have you tried just acting sad that he doesn’t feel the way that you do?  Sometimes it works a little bit better.  Some people call it lowball, I call it strategy.  Whatever.  If you say stuff like “i’m just really sad that you don’t want the same things as me.  And i’m worried that when you’re finally ready, it’ll be too late for me.  that’s all.” Don’t ask for action, just tell him you’re sad about.  If you change your attitude, he might change his.   

Post # 43
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@luckyprincess: But why would you want to spend your life with someone who, knowing how happy getting married would make you, still refused to do it? I know everyone knows that one couple that has been together 20 years and never got married, but spending my life with someone who definitely did not want to marry me just doesn’t sound like much fun.

Post # 44
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@DreamingBee: Agreed. I hate it that wanting marriage has become this thing that women have to justify.

Post # 45
Member
1102 posts
Bumble bee

@AmuseMeMusically – I felt exactly the same way. I knew I wanted to get married, to have a family, to have that stability. I was lucky that I met a man I wanted to do that with. When I realised, I told him. I asked him to think about whether he wanted to marry me, and tell me his answer.

Luckily his answer was he wanted to marry me too, and then I only had to wait another year (!!!!!) for the ring ๐Ÿ™‚

But, I was prepared for his answer to be different. His parents have split up and most of his family is littered with divorces and broken relationships. He always said he would happily live in sin forever – the “forever” part wasn’t what we had to decide on. It was the wedding and marriage thing. But I wasn’t sure I could do that – imagine spending every day with a man I really wanted to marry, but couldn’t. I imagine it would be like being friends with a man I really wanted to be in a relationship with, but couldn’t. Sending me insane. Making me miserable, because I wanted something different that he couldn’t give me. So, if his answer had been no to marriage, I’m not sure I would have stuck around. Sometimes, love isn’t enough.

Good luck OP, as you can see I get the timeline thing, I get the wanting different things, and I hope whatever happens you find some peace and happiness.

Post # 45
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

sepilove:  I know this is an old topic, but I couldn’t help but comment. Are we twins? Seriously, you have NO idea how much I empathize with you! I work full-time, plus a part-time job, and go to law school full-time on nights and weekends. I literally spend the whopping 1 hour of free time I have each night, with my boyfriend.

I consider myself a great catch and have been told so over and over. I pay all of my own bills, I do not nag him or really expect anything of him. We split everything 50/50 where all my other girlfriends get spoiled and taken care of like a princess. Not to be arrogant,  but I am very attractive. I fully support his dreams and motivate him to pursue them. I am graduating next month, then continuing my education at Duke Law School. I have been putting back thousands in savings every month so that we can move to Philadelphia in October to be closer to our families. I just paid off my Mercedes, have perfect credit, zero debt, no past marriages, no children, and virtually zero drama. I cook for him, take care of all the errands, etc. 

I’ve seen girls that I know that are selfish, self-centered, abrasive, bitchy, bossy, and unattractive get married and have lavish weddings and never have to work again. I’m usually correct but when it comes to what I thought about what it takes to get a ring on my finger, I’m clearly failing. I just don’t get it! 

I’ve had boyfriends (most were a bad choice I fully admit), and literally none of them except my current one speaks to me about marriage. It’s rattled my brain for the past year (since turning 30). So the girl that is fully self reliant, successfully, hot, smart, sweet, and classy ends up with a naked finger while the girl that gained 30 pounds after the wedding cake and barks out orders while refraining from giving her husband sex gets a rock on her finger with no problem? What world am I living in? 

I’ve heard the same response over and over, “have you sat down and talked to him about marriage?” Umm, no. I’m the catch. I’ve never sounded repulsed at the idea, and in fact he knows that I do want to get married. I’m not giving him an ultimatum. If he proposes, it’s because HE wants to, no pressure. 

I’ve had it with my boyfriend. I’m 30, he’s 40. EVERYONE we know is married. I feel like a smuck. I feel taken advantage of because he comments that I’m his soul mate and he wants to marry me and be with me forever…blah blah blah, but there’s no action. We’ve been together for 2 and 1/2 years. I’m giving it until the end of this year and then I’m moving on! I’d rather be alone that to continue “play” house. And YES, marriage IS that important!

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