- 5 years ago
- Wedding: February 2017
Bees, I am showered with guilt for admitting this, but usually towards this time of year (when finals are coming up), I feel very bitter and resentful towards my Boyfriend or Best Friend for not working as much as I do.
I work an average of 60 hours a week between school full time (took 20 credit this semester) and work (tutoring and babysitting). Homework, studying, preparing lessons for my tutoring kids, and preparing one lesson a week for the classroom I intern at is not a factor in these 60 hours, so my “work time” is generally higher than that.
I’m chronically stressed, sick, and exhausted from this but there’s nothing I can do to change it. To make it worse, I get angry and spiteful towards my SO of 5 years who works an average of 25-35 hours a week (with the occassional 45-55 hour workweek) at a tire shop. (I mention this because there is no benefit to being as overworked as I am, I believe, but I just feel that if I can do it, he sure as hell can do it too.) His work is more labor intensive than mine. I try to tell myself this to try and abandon my resentment, but it doesn’t work. I’ll get home from a 12 hour day and he is usually watching TV, playing video games, or messing around with his friends. Rarely does he clean anything, do laundry (especially if its mine; he never does mine without me asking), or make himself productive when his work day has ended. No cooking, no working out, no ‘strengthening his mind’ or doing anything at all, really. He hasn’t always been so lazy; I think part of it is that we are living with his parents and they are going through a horrible part of their marriage which I am certain will end in divorce. He also hates his job, but is so unsure of what he wants to do that he just stays there.
I’m trying to be sympathetic towards his position since I remember him being so active for the first 3 years of our relationship, but it has since tanked and I get home from school or work after a long, stressful day to see him kicking back on the couch, a beer in hand and usually many potential chores or activities to be done. This isn’t to say he use to clean much, because he never really has done many “chores”; but he use to be in school and working, busying up his life some, and never complained about it. He use to be active and play softball intramurally and work out, so “lazy” has never been a word I’ve associated to him. Not doing chores, yes… but not this laziness…
How do I rid myself of this resentment? It is so unhealthy to harbor it; and its been happening a few times a year when I get very busy. He is a great person and is so supportive of me and has stayed up with me into the early hours of morning to give me backrubs or help me with assignments when I am severely overworked. But I just can’t get over how damn lazy he is and how much harder I work than he does.