(Closed) Feeling resentful

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Emjayemjay: I’m sure you love him but I wouldn’t want to have kids with someone who watches YouTube videos instead of doing chores and lives beyond his means, especially when I’m subsidizing it. 

both my Fiance and I prioritize living in SF and our careers, so we might not be able to have kids. I’m your age so if we do, we really should get on it. But there’s no space, no time and no money. So, either one of us has to make a lot more money or both of us want to leave the Bay Area and be ok with middle management jobs for the rest of our careers. 

Point is, it’s hard and you both have to be ready. And if he’s not taking steps, what can you do if you stay or leave?

Post # 3
Member
6524 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Emjayemjay:  he has a lot of growing up to do. So while you may be ready to be a momma, he is not ready for fatherhood. 

I would suggest that you have a serious conversation with him and let him know all these things that bother you. And for someone who says the reason he is not ready for kids is because you don’t own a home sure as hell is showing that he is not ready to own a home yet because you can’t be spending that much money on his car hobby. 

I don’t know where you are located, but I am currently renting, pregnant with baby #1, and we plan to start saving as much as possible over the next 3 years for a house. Its tough when you have a baby, but its doable if you are dedicated. You just have to cut out some of the leisurely things. Granted we live in an expensive city so its much harder, but I know we can do it. I just wanted to let you know that its not impossible to have a baby while you are renting. 

Post # 4
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

Sounds to me like your problem is more with your husband and his behavior than when you should be having kids. I wouldn’t be having kids till you get all this stuff sorted out having a kid will only make these issues worse, you don’t want to have two kids to look after.

Post # 5
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

Sorry, it seems like yet another man-child situation. You absolutely should not have kids with this man as it stands, but I think you know that. You will be even more resentful with the added load of responsibility that a child brings.

Did you have serious conversations about expectations, roles, and priorities before marriage?

It sounds like he’s still living the life of a bachelor living at home with mom. He gets to have fun and not lift a finger while you enable his behavior without consequences. Denying everything when you try to have a rational discussion with him is a huge problem, because nothing can happen without communication. It sounds like family is not a high priority for him, and there is no compromising with that.

None of this means he’s a bad person, but he’s a not being a good husband. Can you rely on him to take care of you and your children when you get older? Can he withstand the stress of bad times? Can he man up and do what needs to be done? THAT is what a husband does.

I’d have a serious bout of introspection and let it all on the table for him. What do you want out of this? What do you want from him? What do you want out of a marriage? Can he provide those things, or work towards them with you? Was he always like this, and you thought he’d change? Can he be financially responsible?

With the answers to these questions and his reaction, you can determine, I guess, if you’d like to stay with him and continue to live the life you have now, work with him on building up his responsibility and your overall vision for yourselves, or if you simply have to find it somewhere else.

Post # 6
Member
893 posts
Busy bee

Wow, this would not fly with me at all. Sounds like you already have a child: your husband. He needs a wake up call and realize that he’s not a teenager anymore, you are not his mother, and he cannot blow your household funds on the needs of a CAR. Essentially, that car is his baby if he spends all his time and money on it. It’s time for him to grow up. It’s ridiculous that while he talks about buying a house, his hobby is costing you a ton in extra rent, maintenance fees, etc, that could be going toward the purchase of your house. 

(For the record, not cheating shouldn’t be seen as some sort of virtue. Like, congrats for being a decent human being? And not hanging out with friends much…also not really something to brag about since he just wastes his time on youtube instead of out socializing with real people. And no vices? Really? The internet is a pretty real vice to me. Just saying.)

Post # 7
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think you and your husband have some serious issues that have nothing to do with when to have children. I would suggest you focus your attention on fixing your relationship before even having that conversation.

Post # 8
Member
3244 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My Darling Husband would be appalled at his behaviour. Seriously, marriage IS teamwork. When you guys got married, did you discuss how your home would work? Like, chores being fifty fifty, couple time being regular, free time\alone time (without your spouse) nights and movie\date nights and things like that? See, me and Darling Husband have both experienced not getting what we want from the person we love, so when we entered our relationship, we talked it aaaaall out, so we could be sure that neither partner felt neglected or taken advantage of. 

Darling Husband and I both like time apart. Him more than me but I have my moods. But we accommodate each other. And that’s what is important. How we do it is this. Darling Husband says, ‘Babe, is it cool if I just play video games tonight?’ I reply, ‘yeah, sure but pop in for half an hour so we can cuddle. Just half an hour. Then go back to your thing.’ Darling Husband agrees. We are both happy.

Sometimes he forgets stuff and I nag. That happens to me too. I forget stuff. But respect and compassion is always there. And we make sure to never actively make the other feel left out or priority number two. ALSO, no way!!! To the flash car!! Hell no! 

No flash car when you got debt! Because its our money, not his. I would flip my lid and make him send it back. We make big purchases together. We ask about everything. See, I buy a lot of jewellery. Darling Husband always gets a say in it. The latest ring is being bought because he considered it for a whole night and then told me I could have it IF I was willing to sell some of my other rings to pay for it. Money is tight. That’s a fair deal. Same with an iPad he recently bought. He wasnt allowed it until he sold his kindle. See, we always get a say. And no one gets to strop if its a no. Tantrums are strictly for bratty under tens.

You need to set down some rules. Start pointing out how unfair things are. Start explaining to him you need a partner, not a lazy teenager. He needs to step up and get his act together. Work out what you want. Not in a vague way. In a really conscise way.

Example: I want you to spend at least two nights with me, eating dinner, watching a film on the sofa, cuddling and catching up. And I do not want you to moan or try to make me feel bad about it. I miss your company. I am your wife. I’m entitled to feel that way. Please, respect that and start facilitating my need. 

I want you to cook dinner three nights a week. It doesn’t have to be complex. But I’m tired. And running a house is exhausting. I give you plenty of down time. I deserve down time too. Please start meeting me halfway. This is a marriage, not a hotel. Let’s be comrades. I would really appreciate it. Sometimes it’s nice to feel taken care of. I know you can do that for me. So let’s get into that habit. 

I want to rethink our finances. We have a lot of debt and I want to start tackling it head on. I think the car is a mistake. Its a money guzzler and all it does is stress me out. Could you please think seriously about what I am saying. We cannot afford it right now. I promise, as soon as we are in a position to get you an amazing car, we will make that a priority, but right now, we need to look at things rationally. If we sell the car, and rent a cheaper apartment for a few years, we could save an incredible amount of money, I would be a lot less stressed and there would not be so much pressure on us. Then, we could actually begin to build a nest egg we are proud of. How great would that be?

 

 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  Yipeebee.
Post # 9
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

Man oh man he sounds like ex!!!!! Unfortunately, we ultimately broke up after I had our daughter.  Like you I made most of the money, but due to a difficut pregnancy had to stop working to go on bedrest.  I noticed all the things you noticed right down to his obsession with his car.  My last straw was I needed money for formula and he said he didn’t have it.  Our daughter was 2 weeks old. That same day he bought a new muffler for his car.  What was worse he has it sent express delivery, which cost him an additional $30, but he couldn’t buy formula for our newborn?

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I left him and moved out a week later.  It wasn’t so much about the formula, it was more I started to lose respect for him and I couldn’t be with someone I couldn’t respect.

Our daughter is now 10 years old and we are both in new relationships.  We are actually good friends now and get along great.  My daughter adores both her dad and stepdad and I couldnt be happier.  My ex would love for us to get back together and it actually took losing us for him to grow up, however, we were in our mid 20s at the time and we are now in our mid/late 30s.

I am not suggesting you leave him, because I am sure there is alot of good in him that isn’t mentioned here, however, I would really think long and hard about having a child with him.  Things will only get worse.

Post # 10
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee

Why do you want a child with this man? 

 

Post # 11
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Emjayemjay:  Does your husband know that with his $150k in student loans, you guys will have trouble getting approved for a mortgage together to even buy a home? Based on what you’ve posted about him, he definitely is not ready to have kids, much less step up to being part of a married team. =/

Post # 12
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

If your husband did these things before you got married what exactly attracted you to him? Signing a marriage certificate doesn’t create a man into a wonderful husband who thinks of his wife before himself. Did you think it would?

My first husband didn’t participate in fatherhood and my now adult son has basically no relationship with him. He also didn’t lift a finger to help me with anything… I mean anything. The trash would over flow, dishes pile up, never grocery shopped…etc much less even change a diaper. I think you need to invision how your life will be if you have a baby with this man. You’ll be a married single mom, just like me. I was married but I had all the duties of a single mom.

Post # 13
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I understand why you’re upset.  It sounds like his wants/needs are a priority and your what/needs don’t matter.  I agree with PP that he’s immature.  To be honest I think it may be better for you guys not to have a baby right now. Do you really want to bring a baby into a marriage with these issues? with a husband that’s not ready to be a father?  The responsiblity added financial pressure of a baby is only going to make your problems/resentment even worse.  In my experience resentment is toxic to a realtionship.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with a having a car or watching youtube – to a point.  Do you feel that instead of spending time with you or helping aroung the house he’s on youtube?  I’d be angry if that’s the case.  He’s being financially irresponsible (IMO another sign of his immaturity ).  He’s saying he wants to save for a house.  I can’t see how that’s going to happen when…he’s in 150k debt and doesn’t appear to be making a real effort to pay it off, he’s spending money on his car that you can’t afford, insisting on having a private garage for a car which means a much higher rent, and has a lower paying job.  An adult understands that realtionships are about compromise not “me me me”.  Also, being parents means teamwork.  A baby is means both parents taking on more responsiblity.  Such as housework, errands, childcare in addition to work etc.. and less time for things like hobbies or youtube.   The thing is your hubbie doesn’t even do house work now.  I don’t want to think of the conflict this is would cause when your exhaused after being up with your baby all night!

If is really loves cars and it’s his passion – I don’t know that you can expect him to give it up completely.  But he needs to be willing to make compromises to and bring the expenses down to more reasonable level.  Would he be willing to go to couples counselling? If you spoke to him about how unhappy you are?  He thinks he’s the greatest husband in the world!  He’s not.  Nobody is the perfect partner we all have things we can do better.  It also sounds like he’s taking you for granted.  He thinks you’re just going to accept any behaviour from him because you love him and he’s “a great catch”.  Don’t forget how lucky he is to have you!  Don’t accept less than you deserve.

I’d suggest not bringing up the baby issue right now and working the above problems.  If your hubbie isn’t willing to change, then you really need to think about the future of your marriage.  If things stay the way they are now is this the person you want to have a family with?  It takes more than love to make a marriage work.

Post # 14
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee

I need to ask you if his immature behavior, car-obsession, financial irresponsibility and unwillingless to pitch in with chores start before or after you guys moved in together/got married/etc.? While I think him evading the topic of children isn’t fair to you since you’ve made it clear that you want them sooner rather than later, do you really think he’s equipped to handle a marriage and a child with the way he’s currently behaving? I agree with you..he sounds like a nice guy, but if you guys have a kid and nothing changes on his end, you are going to be raising this kid almost as though you’re a single parent.

Post # 15
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

He sounds a lot like my ex-husband and you sound a lot like I did, especially when talking about his YouTube/internet/video game habit. Only thing is, I now realize the issue wasn’t about how he chose to spend his free time, rather that those activities trumped spending time with me, helping me with the house work, and going out and actually living life. I’m not saying you need to leave him or anything, but I’m now with a guy who also plays video games and wastes time on the internet but I have zero issues with it because I feel like I’m a priority, not his computer. I will say that I often thought about how grateful I was that we weren’t having kids when I was with my ex, because I already felt like I was living life and managing the house on my own, so would have become even more resentful if I wound up feeling like a single parent. You two really need to have a serious talk about issues not related to having a child before you even consider that next step with him. You sound frustrated and you’re only two years into your marriage. Imagine how much more upset you’ll feel five years from now if this continues. Something needs to change. Try counseling if talking it out on your own doesn’t get through to him.

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