(Closed) feeling rushed by my age

posted 5 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 3
Member
5001 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Ok deep breaths!!! You can always say, “I wish…” but you can’t change things, so you have to figure out something that will work. I’m only 27, but my Fiance is 37 so even though I have time, I still feel rushed because of his age. These things just happen but they happen all the time and work out just fine. You could definitely wait a year or two to start trying, you don’t need to start immediately. You and your Fiance will discuss it and figure out when is right, but you need to tell him how you feel. I think it seems like a rush because you’re thinking about everything all at once, when in reality life still goes on day by day and it won’t actually be as big of a rush as it seems like.

Post # 4
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@TrousseauHorse:  Man. I am so with you. Only difference is that while Fiance wants kids eventually – he wants to wait. He turns 28 this year – I am 30 turning 31.

We were engaged on New Years of this year and getting married mid-August. 8 months. Eep. Needless to say it has been stressful.

When you said ‘I wish I were 26’ I almost teared up. I think stuff like that all the time. I have been engaged twice – both of which I ended because they ended up being dead-end losers. 

Worse still – he is my best friend from high-school’s little brother…I have known him since I was like 13 yrs old. I try to tell myself that if we would have dated sooner we would have been to immature to make it to where we are now.

I feel your pain.

Post # 5
Member
3755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’ll be 34 a month after we get married. We are already engaged though and in full planning mode. However, we decided to jump the gun and stop birth control in January so we’re already trying to conceive. I don’t care what society thinks about my choices. My life has played itself out exactly how it was supposed to and I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m happy to be marrying in my thirties, it means I spent plenty of time in my twenties weeding out the frogs. I’m in my fifth cycle trying to conceive and no luck yet, but we are open to adoption as well so I’m not stressing about it too much. I would recommend that you stop worrying about what “society” thinks about your 30’s marriage and having kids. Women are having kids much later these days due to extended college and career building. You aren’t going to be the only mom in her late thirties, trust me! I see 27 year old girls having babies and I think they are too young!! LOL I don’t really, but it’s that first reaction because they seem so much younger than me and I’m JUST NOW ready to start having kids. 

Post # 6
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’ve felt like this with a lot of things in life. Unfortunately, life does not go as planned. We can’t always do things the way we would like. My advice? Make peace with how things are. Be happy that you have found an amazing man to marry and father your children even if you aren’t 26 or 27. Forget about what society thinks and worry about what you think and feel. Maybe this isn’t how you would’ve liked things to go, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy every second of this.

Post # 7
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I turned 35 two months after my wedding, so I very much know how you feel.  What I will say though is that a few months isn’t going to make a huge difference.  Why does it have to be spring of next year, instead of fall?  Is it just because of outside pressures?  While everyone talks about 35 like it’s this baby-making cliff, there’s no actual difference between the last day of 34 and the first day of 35, it’s a slow process.  Why don’t you have a six month range in mind when looking at venues?  A fall wedding is lovely and will give you more time to plan and enjoy.  Don’t let everyone else (or your imagination ;)) pressure you into not doing this the way you want.

Also, an older bride?  Who would say that, or even think that?  These days people are getting married later and later, 34 isn’t that rare.

 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
2958 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I am 28, 29 when we get married. I pretty much have baby fever already and he wants to wait “a few years at LEAST.” I definitely would rather have kids sooner than later, but can’t force his opinion. Anyway, I get where you are coming from in a way.

Post # 9
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

Oh gosh I feel you! You are not alone. I am going to be 36 this year and I was the one rushing myself and making myself miserable! I was married at 23 but he cheated on me so it lasted a few months or else I would still be with him. Had a long term boyfriend of 7 plus years who proposed but it fell through. Didn’t feel right and he would have made a terrible husband. I feel angry at myself and society for making me feel like I should have been married and have kids by now. At this point I may get engaged soon but kids may be off the table. Maybe I’m secretly relieved about that? If I can have em great if not well then I can travel and have more money.

 

I think you need to take a mental chill out. You should not need to feel rushed especially about having kids. I think you could have a nice talk with your guy and let him know how you are feeling. Just doing that may take some pressure off.

Post # 10
Member
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@TrousseauHorse:  Welcome to the club!

I think everyone thought I was unmarried in my early 30s (and no prospects!) because I was “having too much fun in the city” and being focused on my career.

I just hadn’t met the right man yet. I never had any issue getting dates, and I dated tons, but nobody I could see myself committing to. I was sad about it, but not sad enough to settle. I met my SO when I was 31. Who is 7 years younger than I am. We both knew we were right for each other almost immediately.

I have had a lot of guilt throughout this process, mostly feeling like I’m rushing HIM. He really wants kids, and I will be 33 about to turn 34 by the time we get married next August. Like you, we’re booking venue etc before the proposal (we’re wating until after I meet his parents) because we LITERALLY cannot get married later than that (both with my age, and his visa situation, there’s guilt flying like mad on both sides here).

I finally had a breakdown crying a few months ago because I felt like I was ruining his life because we couldn’t date for years and years and then get married at our leisure, and he was shocked that I felt that way and assured me that what he wanted more than anything was to be with me. PLEASE let your guy know how you are feeling, he probably has no idea.

We are both concerned about fertility obviously, but have decided to wait at least 6 months after we marry to TTC, because it just isn’t worth the stress of flying through everything.

Post # 12
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Oh man – I feel like I could have written a lot of this post myself.  I met my H when I was 37 and he was 40 – we got married at 38 and 41 and are now 40 and 43.  I live downtown in a big city and have a sort of “glamorous” career (at least it might seem that way to outsiders) so everyone always thought I was this freewheeeling single gal.  

Really, all I wanted to do was be in a serious relationship and settle down.  I spent my late 20s and early 30s wondering what was wrong with me, why no one would love me, why I wasn’t attractive enough to have a DATE, let alone a relationship.  I was single for 14 years – my prime babymaking years.  I had a few (like less than 10) dates in that whole time, none of which led to anything at all.  When I met my H, it was like a light switched on and a whole new life began.  We wonder all the time what life would have been like if we’d met earlier.  

I’ve always felt uncertain about wanting kids.  H says he really would like to have one, but I don’t know that he has any idea what it would really be like.  (He’s an only child with no real experience with kids, I have 3 nieces who I’ve helped raise and I ADORE them).  I think what bugs me is that the choice has essentially been taken away from me by biology.  I didn’t WANT to wait this long to get married – no one wanted to marry me!  It’s depressing that now I don’t even get the choice because I’m probably too old.  I’m so afraid that I don’t have the stamina for a baby, and even more afraid that something would be wrong with the baby because my eggs are too old.  

I understand the pressure you’re feeling, but 33 is not 40.   

And why not get married quickly???  When you’ve been waiting as long as we did, there’s no reason to wait longer, and marriage and children are much more important than some fantasy venue.  H and I got married 11 months after the day we met.  I planned the whole wedding in 4 months and it was perfect.  Just wear the ring and be engaged now, and plan for a fall wedding.  It’s totally doable.  Then you have a whole year to chill out before you turn 35.  

I totally get feeling like a failure – it’s so hard when life doesn’t work out the way you would have liked it to.  Get this – my little sister got married 3 TIMES before I got married once.  The third one seems to be sticking, but believe me – I’d rather be married once and forever at my age than already be twice divorced!

Post # 13
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

@TrousseauHorse:  You know I wanted to add that I may not be perfect but most of the guys I dated were losers! Didn’t even have their acts together enough to be married. I would’ve gotten married sooner had I met a great guy. I mean I always feel like that Sex and the City character that says,” I’ve been dating since I was 16…where is he already?!!!!”

 

It’s not like I didn’t try. That takes some pressure off of me 🙂

 

 

Post # 14
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I am turning 31 this month. He is 34. I feel rushed because I would like to have kids by 35. I also wish I married earlier but I didn’t meet him until last year. I was dating the wrong person for about 5 years and never felt I could met somebody whom I really care for.

I wish I am 26 too.

Post # 15
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t have any advice to offer, but I do know how you feel.  I turned 35 just a couple of months after my legal ceremony (and a few months before the date listed on here which was my “official” ceremony).  I’ve always wanted to be married and have kids as well, but didn’t meet my husband until I was 33.  He’s 6 years younger then me, so for us it was me sitting him down and telling him that if we wanted to try for bio-kids then we needed to start trying right away because I didn’t want to be an older mom who had trouble getting on her hands and knees and playing with my kids.  

Life can sometimes have a cruel sense of humor because here I am 3 years later, still trying and hoping that I can carry to term one of these pregnancies.  I, too, wish that I was back in my middle twenties and had plenty of fertile years in front of me.  

Anyway, I just wanted to share my story.  I guess the most important thing is to do things when you are ready and not be pressured by age.  You never know what can happen – good or bad – regardless of age.  *hugs*

Post # 16
Member
1010 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@TrousseauHorse:  I feel your pain. I’m turning 33 in less than a month, and I’ll be 34 by the wedding date. Fiance is also 4 years younger than me, and claims he wants to be married before he’s 30 (!!!).

I spent most of my 20’s in a bad marriage, so while I don’t feel the ‘need’ to be married again so quickly, I do feel the pressure that I need to have kids sooner rather than later. That combined with the health issues I have that I suspect are preventing me from being able to get pregnant (TMI but have not used a condom in many years, and never got pregnant, even once).

I wish I could punch the person who thought it was a good idea to get women to panic about being too ‘old’ to get married or have babies, as if we’re some kind of mutants for not doing it all by 25 or something. *Hugs*

 

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