(Closed) feeling rushed by my age

posted 7 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 18
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

omg this thread read my entire thoughts….glad im not alone

Post # 19
Member
9223 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

to be young again…

i started dating Fiance, after a year we started talking about marriage.  everyone i knew was getting engaged around the 1 year mark and Fiance was no where ready, then a year and a half past.  he told me he had a plan, and i told him i had a plan too.

then i found out i had fibroids and may have trouble getting pregnant or staying pregnany.  the best option, was kids ASAP. 

Fiance proposed 2 years and 1 month after we started dating.  luckily he agreed to a short engagement.  but honestly, planning a wedding in anything longer than 8 months would have been too much for me. i couldn’t imagine doing this for a year and a half or more.

so i’ll be 32, (FI, 35) when we get married and we’ll try for kids right away.

at our age, we don’t have the luxary of time.  no time to enjoy just being engaged or just being married.  but i couldn’t be happier with who i am marrying and glad i didn’t settle for any of the hundreds of dates beforehand.

 

Post # 20
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

 

@ajillity81:  

I too got engaged at the 2 year one month mark!  I also have fibrioids and also PCOS, so pregnancy will prove challenging. I am 37 and just got married a month ago for the first time. My DH is 51 and also just married for the first time. Neither of us has kids but we want to try.

However we are taking it one day at a time. It was important to us to get used to living with each other before adding the pressure of trying to conceive. Add this to the fact that my Darling Husband is now unemployed. Sometimes I feel like getting pregnant for me will be a miracle.

But the best thing to do is be relaxed about it and remember that what will be, will be. I have my bad days and good days. In fact I am going to the doctor today to get the results of a sonogram and make sure my fibroids and cysts haven’t gone haywire.

My mom had me at the ripe old age of 44 with no fertility treatments so hope springs!

Post # 21
Member
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m 36 and just got married…it is what it is.  I dont’ want to rush and have a baby before we’re ready or before we’ve had time to be married.  I worry about fertility, but I didn’t meet my H until I was 34.  We did have a short engagement in the interest of “getting the process started”, so I understand what you mean.  I felt some urgency to get engaged quickly and get married quickly but I’m putting the breaks on now.

 

You have time.  Even I have time, really.  We’re going to wait 6 months and talk about it again.  ๐Ÿ™‚  If bio kids aren’t in our future, then we’ll try another way. 

Post # 22
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@TrousseauHorse:  You are not at all an older bride. Your age will be perfect to have kids. It’s very common in mid-30s to do so, and sometimes in late 30s. 

 

Post # 23
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m kind of with you on this one as well. I’m going to be 30 in October and will hopefully soon be engaged for the second time (encore bride). I thought I’d be much more settled in life by now. I never in my life expected to be divorced before 30…I definitely always thought I’d be a mom before 30, but that’s not going to happen.

 

Now, part of me wishes that I had met my bf much earlier in life so that we could take our time. Mostly, I think, because I’m nervous to get married quickly after my divorce. But at the same time, I can’t wait to be his wife and we both want to have a baby soon, but want the stability of marriage before.

 

Ugh. Life throws curve balls, doesn’t it girl?

Post # 24
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I too feel pressure to get married and have kids (if I will have them) ASAP, ugh!

The only advice I have to give is to redirect your focus to get rid of/manage your stress. Even if it means getting rid of the rigid deadline. Aside from making you miserable and keeping you from being at your best, stress can be disastrous during a pregnancy.

Post # 25
Member
11472 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I understand some of what you’re feeling.  I always envisioned myself meeting the right guy in college, getting married about a year after graduation, and having children about two years later. I always hoped to have three. That was how I saw my life unfolding.

However, that did not turn out to be the path that unfolded before me. I, too, dated a number of people and had several longer-term relationships.  However, none was the right one.  I even was engaged once before at 29-30, decided that I could not go through with that wedding, and ended that relationship.  I had no idea it would be another 15.5 years before I would meet my Darling Husband and another year and a half before I would marry him at the somewhat bridal-ancient age of 47. ๐Ÿ™‚

The bad news is that things do not always go as we had planned, but the good news is that things do not always go as we had planned. ๐Ÿ™‚ Sometimes there are some amazing, unexpected blessings that we would have never received if things had not turned out the way they did.

We can’t always control what happens TO us, but we can control how we respond to IT. I encourage you to try to enjoy this process, right where you are, at the age you are, and remove this intense pressue that you have placed on yourself. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t keep your agreed-upon timeline, because my Darling Husband and I also moved quickly (engaged five months after our first date, married 11 months later). It all was a whirlwind for us, too, and we were long distance throughout our entire relationship. We even had to spend almost the entire first year of our marriage living together only half of each week while I continued to live and work in my former state during the middle of the week and from DH’s house three hours away on the bookends of long weekends.

My Darling Husband also has children (two were young tweens/teens at the time of our wedding and live with us 50 percent of the time.)  Given the long distance factor, my husband’s crazy schedule (he’s a pastor and works almost every weekend), my then-full-time job,  the kids’ needs and busy schedules, the fact that my house was on the market and we were buying and selling homes and preparing to move, etc., my Darling Husband and I spent extremely little time alone together, and when we were together we were both exhausted and completely stressed and ended up fighting. I struggled for a long time with feeling as if I were being cheated out of being a newlywed and being able to enjoy the relationship I always longed to have.

I could not control my circumstances, but I definitely needed to get a better grip on my thoughts, words, attitudes, and actions. My life felt as if it were moving at a frenetic pace — a pace in which I was constantly “doing” and never just “being.”  I was always striving, rushing, planning, fixing, and surviving, never relaxing, resting, or enjoying.

As someone who has been there and for whom it has taken several years of marriage just to feel as if I have finally caught up with myself and can live in the present, I encourage you to do your best not to allow your feelings of stress, hurriedness, and frustration to cause you to miss out on your life as it is happening.

HUGS!

 

Post # 26
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@TrousseauHorse:  Awwww, I hope you are feeling better now as I noted that this post was made 3 weeks ago. You need not feel rushed or hurried anyway, who said that 30 was “older”?? More and more couples are choosing to marry later in life statistically speaking, the baby-boomer shot gun weddings are a thing of the past. Why do you have to be the one who pursued a career & didn’t look for prince charming? Why can’t you be the one who pursued happiness with herself during her youthful years, so that she wouldn’t be pursuing a divorce at 30?! You are in a GOOD PLACE, try to relax and enjoy the ride. We are our own WORST critics, I don’t believe anyone else around you is thinking any of this & would likely be shocked if they knew that you were.

Do you have any reason to be worried about fertility? How about you go see your gyno & ask what can you do to prep for a little one & get crackin! I know that exercise, diet, prenatals, low stress level(um, um, um…this post) are a good starting place. Maybe investing a little time in learning how to optimize your chances for conceiving will help to put your mind at ease.

Are you sure that a full blown wedding is a good idea for you if it’s causing so much stress? I was similar, it was the money aspect & my groom’s lack of participation that plauged me at the time, but once I opened my mind to a small intimate gathering of 30-50, I instantly felt better & like the task was more manageable. Not that, that’s the answer for you, I just mean that thinking outside of the box may help.

 

Post # 27
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@TrousseauHorse:  I am a rushed bride too. We got engaged last week (6/1) and he’s set on a November date for exactly the reason our friends think but will not say out loud: baby making.

 

He’s also younger by 6 years. I’m about to turn 35…the point of no return in his eyes. So that is why he is pushing for November. (We’ve been together three years…so he COULD have asked earlier, but bygones. Plus I love him.)

 

The married friends don’t help either – everyone says ‘short engagement!’ and the parents want babies more than him so it’s pretty much a done deal.

 

Look, I don’t regret my life. I wouldn’t want to have kids with any other man other than my fiance, he’s everything I’ve pictured my husband to be. He’s my teammate and honestly the best person I know. Unfortunately I met him later than my reproductive system would have liked.

 

Out of all the things going right – the engagement, the friends that are genuinely happy for us, the parents finally being able to celebrate – this is just one thing that isn’t exactly how I pictured it. But that is life.

 

More than anything I wish I had something more to tell you, but all I can say is what everyone has been telling me: You don’t know until you try. I don’t know if everything happens for a reason but I do know that if I had done anything differently in life, I wouldn’t have met my fiance and I can’t imagine life without him. I hold on to that.

Best of luck with the wedding planning – don’t put so much stress on yourself – you’ll have enough in the coming months :).

Post # 28
Member
41 posts
Newbee

I can 100% relate to your greivences.  I actually made a spinoff of this thread today (I forgot to note in the subject line it was a spinoff… I”m sorry!) because this consumes me.

My “solution” to this is to forgo a wedding.  Seriously, I want to TTC right away.  My SO is 45 and said if it doesn’t happen soon for him (a baby) then he will eventually say “no” to another child.  I’m devastated, but SO doesn’t want a minor in his home at the age of retirement.  It sucks.  I wish I could be one of those young girls that gets chosen by her man in her 20’s so they can wait a few years before even WORRYING about being too old for pregnancy.

The fact that I feel rushed makes me enjoy my relationship less, even though SO is a dream from heaven to be with.  I wish I could have met him 10 years ago, and I hate that his ex wife got to “be married” for 5 years before they had thier son.  They also had the giddy wedding planning and all that.  Their wedding album is in our living room (not displayed) and it makes me sad because I won’t have any of that.

On the other hand, I find it romantic that SO and I are eloping and even more romantic that we aren’t exchanging rings.  It’s liberating and its our way of being “us” without doing what we have to because society says so.  He had a storybook wedding with his ex, but we are doing things ruggedly.

Post # 29
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

@amandanolongerashe:  I totally feel you.  I’m in a similar situation, close to turing 35.  I reached out to my gyno and talked about it.  She said that there’s no major difference in fertility between 33 and 37.  The big difference is between 25 and 35.  If you’re fertile now, you’ll most likely be fertile a year and a half to two years from now.  Please don’t feel rushed.

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