Post # 1
I’m feeling a bit confused at the moment and was hoping to find some advice/reassurance amongst the lovely bees!
My DH and I got married recently and have been together for three and half years. We both have serious health conditions so we spent a long time discussing whether to have children or not. We came to the conclusion that in our case it would be too difficult to go ahead with parenthood. I have known for some time that this would be a tough decision.
I now swing between feeling childless and childfree; my head feels it’s the right thing to do but then my heart feels sad. We believe it is what’s best for everyone but sometimes I panic and there are a lot of ‘what ifs?’
Recently, I tried to explain it to someone but they saw it in a very simplified light. It was like they were thinking: ‘You’ve made this decision therefore you are not really entitled to feel sad about it. This is something you want and insist on doing not something that has been imposed on you’
I didn’t feel great after that conversation!
Normally I cope much better but since we got married, I have become super broody which doesn’t help. I would really like to hear from bees in a similar situation, just some words of support would be amazing! Thank you guys! Love T x x x
Post # 2
Tisa85: I’m (sort of) where you are…DH and I are newlyweds but in our mid-30’s so we need to decide soon if we want to try for a kid. Our issue is financial and career (we’re both struggling artists/underemployed) so although having a child is something I want deep down, I really don’t think it’s the practical or responsible choice for us. The idea of having a child makes me feel extremely anxious, but then the idea of never having one breaks my heart.
I’m sorry that the person you confided in made you feel bad, and that you’re feeling sad about it. Hugs! It’s a very tough and complicated decision and it can’t be simplified. It’s in our DNA to want to reproduce, so it’s understandable that even though you’ve made the (difficult) decision not to, you’re still going to feel a loss. Your feelings are valid.
There are some books on this topic that might be of help (DH and I have ordered some). There’s a book called “Childless by Choice.” I haven’t read it yet but it might be helpful
Post # 3
Tisa85: You have every right to feel the way you do. I admire you both for making that decision responsibly. Im sorry the person you spoke to made it so cut and dry because I know in a situation like this that isnt the case. Take the time you need to be ok with the decision you have made.
Post # 4
You don’t owe anyone an explanation about your reproductive choices and NO ONE has the right to criticize your choice. It is wbetween you and your spouse.
Post # 5
rusticchic212: Thank you so much for your kind words 🙂 I was worried about the responses I might get so I was v relieved to see your message! It’s good not to feel alone in this, hugs to you too! I will check out the book you mentioned and will try to remember those important words: ‘Your feelings are valid.’ Thanks again!
Zenia: Thank you so much for being so understanding. It really makes a difference when people appreciate how tough it is to process these things. After speaking to that person, I felt really confused but I feel better after seeing such lovely replies! 🙂
Post # 6
arosebyanyothername: That’s 100% true and I have to remember that to protect myself in the years to come, thank you! I’m so glad I posted about it on here because I feel clear in my head again 🙂
Post # 7
I understand. I have health issues, FI does not (aside from a bad knee, which isn’t genetic and won’t affect raising a child). I deal with arthritis, which is currently controlled without medication, but could worsen, and mental illness, which *is* genetic and could compromise an otherwise healthy pregnancy/baby/childhood. We will try to have me go off meds so we can TTC, but if I’m really struggling to function, my well-being comes before a pregnancy that hasn’t even begun. Of course, an existing pregnancy would be a different story, and I’d have to make the decision between medicating or not despite the small risk to the developing baby. We may adopt, and if I have one horrible pregnancy, a second will not be happening. We would likely be elligible only to adopt an older child, and I do mourn the baby years I will likely miss out on. I will not be my child’s first mommy, or the first one to hold him/her, and that’s sad. I’m glad I can still potentially be a parent, but if I make the choice against a biological child, there will be a sense of loss for me/us.
Post # 8
Tisa85: Obviously you feel what you feel, and no one else can tell you whether it’s right or wrong. I’m an advocate of doing what’s right for the children so I personally agree with your decision – many people have kids because they want kids, and they haven’t thought about the long term affects their situation has on children.
I know it’s not the same as children, but have you and your husband considered adopting a dog or cat? I have a friend that wasn’t able to conceive so she adopted a dog with her husband. Now they’re SO glad they didn’t have children lol
Post # 9
xstitchbride425: Thank you for sharing your situation because I can definitely relate. This thread has made me feel less alone and I really appreciate hearing from other women who are in a similar place 🙂
bphi163: Thanks for your supportive message! Having a pet does really help so I think it’s a very good thing to do 🙂 We have a beautiful cat, he’s really old and soppy! He’s also chatty and demanding so I’m able to cuddle and nurture quite a lot 🙂
Post # 10
One of the reasons I am childfree is I struggle with a health issue that would make pregnancy and post partum very trying. While I could have a child and put myself and a baby at risk, I feel that having a baby when I am not overly healthy would be very unfair. There are also other reasons such as wanting to have more time with my husband and enjoying freedom.
If you have any babies or small children in your life, you can nurture them if you have a close relationship with the parents. There are also plenty of animals who need love and attention. I know these are not substitutes for having a child of your own. However, you will be able to have a positive outlet for your maternal instincts.
People love to hassle women about their reproductive choices. I find it so ridiculous and presumptious. When I am pressured to have children, I will sometimes remind the person who is bothering me that not everyone can or should have babies. I usually get a very humbled response.
Everyone just needs to mind their own uteri. I couldn’t care less how many children other women have.
Post # 11
amiona: Thank you! I totally agree with you!
Even before it became a reality that we wouldn’t have children, I understood what a sensitive subject it was and would never dare question someone about it. Sadly, the person I spoke to couldn’t grasp the idea that it’s sad for us even though we ultimately made the decision to remain childfree. Their lack of empathy totally threw me!
The bees today have reminded me of how complicated and personal these matters are and that we have every right to process things at our own pace. As you said ‘Everyone needs to mind their own uteri’ lol
Post # 12
Tisa85: It is perfectly normal and acceptable to be sad over such a tough decision. Especially since the choice to have children was essentially taken away from you by other circumstances. The person that said that to you is an idiot.
Post # 13
My SIL has a daughter and she has always wanted another child. Unfortunately, my poor SIL has had three consecutive miscarriages and she would rather not try again. I hate it when she tells me stories about jackholes who rudely ask why she only has one child. People like that need throat punches.
Post # 14
j_jaye: Thank you! It feels great to read reassuring messages like yours. I feel like I’m allowed to process things again in a way that’s right for me. Hopefully I won’t let people confuse me again!
amiona: It shocks me that people can ask questions like that. I’m so sorry that your SIL has to deal with that kind of insensitivity 🙁 It’s good that she can tell you about her experiences. I found myself going around in circles after the conversation that upset me but getting the information out on this thread def helped.
Post # 15
I just wanted to say that it takes someone very strong and caring and smart to make the decision you did. I am not in your situation but I just wanted to give you kudos and respect.
My fiance and I made the decision not to have kids because neither of us really want them and he has depression controlled by meds but couldn’t handle the big things in life if something happened with the child. He goes into a type of manic depression (very rare thankfully).
We have been together almost 4 years and there are pros and cons to not having children. You just have to focus on the positives when you are feeling down.
You also have every right to feel as sad as you want! Yes, you ultimately made the decision to not have children BUT your hand was forced by this medical condition so in a way it wasn’t your choice either.
again, it takes a strong and amazing women to make the decision you did. Respect and hugs to you!!!!