Feeling sad about proposal.

posted 3 months ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
14160 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I’d probably let some time and the first rush of excitement to be engaged go by first, then in a non- accusatory, calm way ask if there is a reason he invited your parents and if he remembers the request. It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing someone would forget, but the mind can play tricks and it’s possible he misunderstood or wasn’t really listening to you when you had that talk. If he did this intentionally or is pretending to forget that’s another story. If there is no pattern inconsiderate behavior, I would give him the benefit of the doubt. 

There are no do overs, but maybe he’ll take you out to a nice dinner or weekend away to celebrate in private. 

Post # 3
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

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@nicfalcs:  I’m sorry your proposal wasn’t really in line with what you were hoping for. In your fiance’s defence, he probably did want to include the whole family, because (in his eyes) family is super important. Though after 7.5 years together I would assume he’d know the nature of your relationship with your own family…so I guess yeah he did stuff up a bit. 

At the end of the day once you get into the thick of wedding planning (and actually have the wedding!), this will really stop getting you down. For reference, my husband had this super cute proposal in mind, in between our two work buildings. We just moved across the country, and through sheer luck despite living in a city of 2m people, ended up working right next to each other! But when he got down on one knee, he knelt in something gross on the floor. And there were also some drunk idiots jeering at us down the alley. Not super romantic. It kind of got to me at the time. But now we’ve done the wedding planning, wedding day, honeymoon, and everything else since…I don’t think about it much. And if I do, it’s not through a lens of disappointment, but moreso through a more playful lens of “lol what a cock up”.

Because no matter how you got the ring on your finger, the outcome is still the same 🙂 You get to marry your partner, and start a new adventure together

 

Post # 4
Member
10697 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@nicfalcs:  

I can see feeling cross about this . I mean how can he have been with you 7 and a half years and not know how you would feel about it ! 

(I’m intrigued as  to how he managed  to hide  what sounds like multiple people while he was doing it too)  

There is nothing really to be gained by making a point of telling him you are resentlful about it –  though if the occasion arises I think I would remind him tactfully but firmly that that is NOT your way of doing things.

Post # 5
Member
5501 posts
Bee Keeper

Life doesn’t care if you’re shy, reserved and private. You can’t micromanage life moments, even important ones – especially important ones. I would have loved to have been dressed up and in a beautiful location, perhaps on the mountain top in my chic ski clothes when my husband proposed. Instead he did it when I was naked and had just taken off my ski suit and sweaty long underwear. I had flattened gross hat hair and ski mask face lines. I probably didn’t smell great either since I was about to step in the shower! Not exactly the romantic moment I had envisioned lol. But you know what? 35 years later it doesn’t matter at all. Learn to enjoy the unexpected and roll with it! Focusing on the negative is not the way to go here. Congratulations on your engagement!

Post # 6
Member
829 posts
Busy bee

Move past it by telling yourself that you have a chance to become close with his family, gaining some of the things you are missing out on from your own family.  His family being there to witness the proposal may be just the start of a great relationship between you and his family.  You not being close to your family does not have to make it awkward to have his family around at that moment.  If you were close to your family, would you have wanted them around?  Would you have found it awkward?

SO many bees have been complaining about their men not proposing, or proposing in a lousy way.  This was a great proposal!  Some of the most memorable proposals are those that take place at a family Christmas or other gathering.  You may have wanted it to be just you and him, but he saw a way to make it special, which he did.  You should have told him if you wanted no one else around, he can’t be a total mind reader despite now being engaged to you.

I get that you are very shy and reserved.  This isn’t the last time you are going to be in the spotlight.  Try your wedding day.  Unless you totally elope, you are going to have people watch you officially get married.  Being the center of attention can be uncomfortable, but the people there will care and will be happy for you.

Post # 7
Member
829 posts
Busy bee

Edit: I see that you told him that you wanted it to be just you and him, but you did also mention not having your family there.  I still think it was reasonable for him to interpret that as his family being there was OK.

Post # 8
Member
4699 posts
Honey bee

Your feelings are valid . It really sucks that he ignored your explicit request not to include your families, especially yours.

Is this typical, occasional, or rare behavior (ignoring your wishes) for him? I think that is crucial information to know before I give my thoughts.

Post # 9
Member
4904 posts
Honey bee

If your fiance is close with his family – is it possible that HIS ideal proposal meant he shared it with family?  Maybe he felt obligated to invite yours if he wanted his (it sucks if you were specific about YOUR family not being there and he did it, but he may have wanted his family there and not known how to negotiate it being so lopsided or afraid of offending your family if they heard his was there)?  This proposal wasn’t just about you – so what did he want out of a proposal?  Or does it not matter what he wants?

You said you told him what you wanted, but did you actually discuss what he wanted and then if it was opposed to what you wanted did the two of you discuss and negotiate a mutually agreeable arrangement?   You also said you told him you wanted “the moment” between the two of you.  Which it sounds like it was – the actual moment of the proposal was just the two of you and then everyone came out …unless I’m misinterpreting what you meant by “beautiful words and then everyone came out” and they came out before he actually asked.  Is it possible that he interpretted “moment” to be…literally the moment of the proposal?  And not the entire rest of the evening and did you communicate that you meant the entire evening and not just the precise moment of the proposal?

I mean, you feel how you feel.  It’s fine to feel disappointed, but I don’t know what’s to be gained by perseverating over it not being how you envisioned.  Honestly, this sounds like a great learning experience about being more specific in your communication and negotiating.  This is not going to be the last time the two of you will want different things or have different visions for how something will go or want different levels of family involvement in future events (the wedding, future children, holidays, other special occasions).  Learn from this and figure out how to work it out better in the future.

Post # 10
Member
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

I don’t think that this is something you just need to “move past” or get over, and this is not about enjoying the unexpected. It’s not just a coincidence that your family happened to be there. Your fiancé deliberately invited them after you made it clear that you did not want them there! He either completely ignored your feelings, or he forgot about them entirely, and that’s not okay. I think you should definitely talk to him about how you’re feeling and let him know that his actions hurt you. Have a conversation about it and get his point of view. If he gets defensive or upset, or if this is part of a larger pattern of behavior where he ignores and undermines your feelings, that’s something you need to address before getting married.

(Also, you can totally have a do-over proposal if you want to! That’s for you and your fiancé to decide, not anyone else!)

Post # 11
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

I think you need to consider that his wants are no less important than yours and the proposal is for both of you. If he’s close to his family then it’s perfectly reasonable that he would want them there during a big moment in his life and he likely felt obligated to also invite your family, especially if he wants to avoid adding additional problems to an already strained relationship. It sounds like he did his best to combine what you both wanted – your perfect private proposal moment, along with being able to celebrate with family afterwards. 

I think many people seem to get so caught up in their own idea of what a “perfect” moment is that they fail to consider that these moments also require the involvement of other people who have their own wants, needs, and ideas.

Post # 12
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I read through this and saw all about what you wanted, but an engagement is isn’t just about you, he also probably feels family is important and wanted them to share the moment with you guys, I don’t feel he did it maliciously, maybe he thought that with it being such a big moment that you would end up regretting not having family there? even though you mentioned it, maybe he thought well this is a pretty important ordeal, or maybe he wanted his family there regardless and thought you’d feel left out with out yours there??? I don’t think it’s anything worth dwelling on, did he make a bad judgement call? maybe… but life will always have moments that are our of our complete control, might need to focus on how to let them go rather than the mement itself.

Post # 13
Member
3153 posts
Sugar bee

I think it’s bizarre you specifically told him you wanted the moment to be just you two and you did not want your parents present–only for him to invite both sets of parents to the proposal? I would probably not be able to refrain from asking him – as diplomatically as possible at some point in the future – why he chose to do that.

Does he have a habit of ignoring your requests or doing the opposite of what you say you want? I’m just trying to understand if this is a one off vs. example of a larger pattern. If it’s a one off then I’d be more inclined to let it go, but if there have been other things like this then that’s a red flag for sure and something I’d want to address before getting married.

ETA: OP does not come across to me as someone obsessed with a Pinterest-worthy proposal who has lost sight of what’s important. She says she told her bf she doesn’t care how or where he does it, just that she wants it to be a private moment. For him to ignore the ONE request she had – a request that cost no money and required zero logistical hassle – seems pretty uncool imo

Post # 14
Member
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

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@emilyofnewmoon:  I agree! I’m not sure why so many people are putting the burden on the OP to just accept her fiancés decision instead of expecting the fiancé to respect the OP’s needs. She wasn’t looking for some perfect proposal. She made ONE request, which was for her family to not be present, because she is not close to her family. And then the fiancé went an invited them anyway? And the OP is supposed to just accept that because it’s “his proposal too?” It being his proposal too makes sense as to why he would invite HIS family if he wanted them there. But I don’t see any reason why it would be okay for him to invite the OP’s family after she explicitly asked him not to because it would make her uncomfortable.

Post # 15
Hostess
5046 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2016

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@nicfalcs:  If it helps, I’m similarly very private and had an engagement that was also lovely, except that DH included people who we had a HUGE falling out with shortly thereafter and I really dislike that they are forever part of our engagement story.  The more time that passes, the less I think about it.  I focus on the moment between my DH and I and the great marriage we’ve had (engagement was 6 years ago).  It is difficult to have people there that you wish were not, but hopefully over time, that sadness will fade.

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