(Closed) Feeling sad and insecure about my ring…. :(

posted 9 years ago in Rings
Post # 17
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@blondi03: I don’t take what you wrote as you being ungrateful at all. I understand that you are feeling as though your Fiance didn’t listen when you communicated your desire in a ring to him, and that perhaps there is some truth in the fact that his settling for that certain ring is an indication of his perception of the relationship as a whole. It is worth discussing with him but I would do so based solely on other facts of the relationship and *not* in the context of the ring. You want to express your feelings but be careful not to put down the ring should you both resolve things smoothly between you. You may find that your worries are unfounded and that you are reassured that he does love you dearly. If that should be the case, you wouldn’t want to put down the ring.

Case in point: My ex proposed to me with an inexpensive ring. I, too, had moved to be with him, out of the country in fact, and though I did not expect him to live up to that sacrifice with a similar sacrifice of his own, it would have been nice if he simply treated me more kindly and respectfully. But, he did not get down on one knee, he did not do anything special for the proposal, and the ring looked like he got it out of a Cracker Jack box. At the time I was too much in la-la land, too forgiving and understanding, thinking that was all he could manage and oh, how sweet that he got me this darling ring and trying to convince myself that it is the symbol of our love and that is what matters most and blah, blah, blah. The only true thing in that whole thought process? Yeah, it was a symbol of our love — but not a very healthy symbol.

Looking back, it is no shock to me that afterwards he treated me as poorly as he did and that I eventually divorced him as his behavior became increasingly abusive and manipulative (I’m not saying this is your case; mine was an extreme).

I say all this to illustrate my main point in that my ex made no effort. Don’t get me wrong — it didn’t have to be an expensive ring, but a little effort on his part to make it meaningful or something he enjoyed looking all over for, would have been nice to know. To know that he went that extra mile in some form, that he went to this little shop and oh the tales he could tell about how funny the salesperson was or whatever, or that he looked for this one style but then found this and got excited!…anything that showed interest and thought would have made all the difference to me. But, he did not, and the ring was a clear reflection of that. I was caught up in saying, “Oh, well this is all he can manage so I will accept and force myself to be happy.” It wasn’t all he could manage. Sorry, but now I know better and I say F that concept. 

Now I am with someone who did make that effort, fully, willingly, and beautifully. He didn’t spend a ton on the ring, but he worked hard for it and found something super special. The proposal was classy and meaningful and yes, he treats me like gold, and I treat him like gold, too.

So, I think there is something to the kind of ring that is chosen and how the proposal is done and to ignore that ignores deeper meaning in the relationship. Get to the bottom of it so you can sleep well at night and not have this hanging over you. You are good to listen to your instincts and follow through carefully. Good luck.

Post # 18
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

 

Ring size doesn’t matter, if you really are just disappointed with the ring and using the emotional problems to cover that up then that’s no good.

BUT

I know my boyfriend, I know his spending habits, what he thinks is important and his means. If he were to give me something that did not aline with his habits then I would be concerned.

A ring and watch are very similar, both are worn for a very long time, if not for life, both are jewellery and not a necessary item. If your boyfriend is someone who values a watch worth $$$$ but then spends significantly less on your ring, that doesn’t seem right! Something is amiss.

It would seem as though another issue was at play. I’m not sure how you would bring it up though, because to start by saying that you think the ring is too small would be starting off on the wrong foot and allow him to say that you are selfish, materialist etc

All that being said, he may just be someone who doesn’t place importance on jewellery, or he is planning to upgrade the ring in the future, or it was all he could afford.

Only you know your Fiance.

Post # 19
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

I get it. Most of the time these kind of post make me cringe. I can see where you are coming from OP.

The thing is, when our men love us, they want to give us the best that they can. Now, “the best” is different from guy to guy. The best one man can do may be a lot less expensive than the best another man can, but the point is that he still gave all that he could.

You are not seeing this from your guy. You feel like you are giving him everything you can, and he’s not in return. It probably seems as though he just kind of bought whatever ring he first laid eyes on without much thought.

I’m sure ring size doesn’t matter to you, his effort and thoughtfulness do. You should talk to your guy, and at least find a way to get a style you like. I would be upset myself if my guy got me a ring in something like yellow gold. I never wear it and it looks terrible on me. If he did this I would wonder about him!

Post # 20
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

Did he get the style you wanted, just that you feel the stone is too small? Or, is nothing about the ring at all what you wanted?  Is it that you just don’t like the style? Would you be happy if the stone was reset into a different setting?

I know about the feeling that we have sacrificed so much to be in a realtionship and that they don’t truly apprecaite it (my family disapproved of our relationship because we are different races, so I cut ties from my entire family ), If he ever did anything I perceived as wrong, I felt as if he didn’t appreciate the sacrifice that I made for him.

But, one day, I realized that I was in the wrong. He didn’t force me to make the cut from my family–I did it willingly. I made the choice I made. At any time, I could have ended the relationship, but I wanted to be with him, so why I should make him pay for a price for my decision??

So, yeah, I agree with all of the pp. You need to decide what this is really about. Is he supposed to pay now because of the choices you made? Or did you make those decisions because you wanted to be with him?

Post # 21
Member
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

but it’s starting to make me think about what our relationship is worth to him,

please dont take offence at what i am about to say,  but you asked our opinions……

sounds to me like you are spoilt, and have not got what you wanted, so are making this about him,  and actually i think you should examine WHY you want to be engaged to him?  is it for materiel things?  or is it love?  cos if its love, that hasnt got a price tag.  but you have  measured  his love by how big your diamond is…..

Post # 22
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My husband did not spend anywhere near 2-3 months of his salary on my e-ring and he also didn’t get me the setting I was in love with, but he got me a beautiful diamond engagement ring.  I have no doubts that he loves me with all his heart.  I know him very well, and I’m pretty sure he wanted to spend less on the ring so we could have more money available for other more important things, like buying a home.  Maybe your Fiance has a financial plan and a good reason for why he didn’t spend more or for why he got you a different style (maybe he liked it better). 

Post # 23
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I get where you’re coming from.  It’s not the actual ring it’s the thought that went behind it.  Perhaps you need to communicate how you feel with your fiance before it festers inside.  Maybe if you hear from his own lips the thoughts and reason behind why he got you that particular ring you might feel better about it.  Maybe there’s a special story you aren’t aware of.

Post # 24
Member
347 posts
Helper bee

If it makes you feel any better, when my husband proposed over 10 years ago, i had two choices…his mom’s 1 ct solitaire (associated with a bad marriage and divorce) or an antique ring.  Both FREE to him b/c we were really, really poor.  I chose the antique, which I loved at the time but it still really wasn’t my style.  I tease him now, as our 10th anniversary approaches, how he got away with not really getting me a ring he chose himself. He promises to get me a real upgrade (one he totally gets on his own) when we have more money (on one income now since I’m a SAHM) and he says it won’t be too, too long in the future.  We’ll see… 

I don’t know if what I wrote makes sense but if you are feeling this way, maybe it is due to more things, like you mentioned?  I don’t think that if a guy spends as much as he can afford, it means he doesn’t care about you.  Some guys (not all) are clueless!  But…if it is really bothering you, I would definitely approach your fiance about this b/c I believe that unless you talk things through, it will only fester and build resentment.  Best of luck!

Post # 25
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Fist of all let me say. You’re not the first person who wishes they’d gotten a bigger ring, and it kind of does suck if he knew you wanted a specific style and went with something else. Sorry about that.

That being said, you have to understand that the 2-3 month salary rule is not realistic for a lot of people. And even if it was, is it really ok to think “If he values our love, he’ll shell out 3 months pay on a ring.” That’s really not smart financially, nor is that healthy thinking emotionally. Don’t drink the DeBeers kool aid on this one please.

It sounds like the ring is bringing up feelings that you’ve been forced to acknowledge. It’s easy to want to push those to the side and make it about the ring, but you know there’s more going on here. Even if it was a 25 cent ring from a gumball machine, looking at that ring should fill you with love and pride, not doubt and resentment. If you don’t feel valued in other areas of the relationship or that he’s not listening to your wants and needs, maybe you need to think seriously about which you really want; a wedding you waited a long time for, or a relationship in which you feel you’re not the only one making sacrifices.

Post # 26
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My fiancé didn’t spend anything on my ring except the $100 or so to have it resized. It was my gprandma’s, so we got it for free. The amount he spent in no way has any bearing on how much he loves me.

I would never have let him spend 2-3 months salary anyways. For one, I wouldn’t have been comfortable having something worth nearly $20k on my hand every day. And two, we have a lot of other things to spend that money on, like our honeymoon and saving up to have a family soon. And size is not the end all, be all. My ring is fairly small compared to some others I’ve seen, but the diamonds are very good quality and its worth quite a bit. I have a friend whose diamond is close to 3 times bigger than mine, but it’s crappy quality and they paid about 1/3 more than mine’s worth.

To me my ring is so much more than the value of the materials. It’s a symbol of our commitment and love. He could’ve decided to buy me a ring, but when my fiancé saw it on my hand for the first time he knew he wanted to spend his life with me and that that ring belonged there. Maybe your fiancé felt the same way about your ring. Have you asked him whatitwas about your ring that made him buy it?

Post # 27
Member
15133 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

At the risk of sounding materialistic (weird, I seem to start with this alot)…. I think I would feel exactly the same way if I were in your shoes. Maybe your Fiance just didnt think a little rock was worth spending that much on, and makes no connection with how the ring makes you feel.  I’m sure guys dont sit there and go, well, i love her this much so shes worth spending that much on.  Is he generally very frugal and saver?  Or does he splurge a lot on other things.  Like if Fiance went and dropped 2.5k on a new TV and entertainment system, but then bought me a little ring for a few hundred (knowing how much I looooove jewlery and want a spcific engagement ring), yes, I would defnitely be upset.  I think part of loving me would be wanting to make me happy, and if that involves a slightly more expensive and larger (but still within reason) ring, then yes, I probably would have the same thoughts and wonder if I’m worth it to him, espeically if I knew he could afford it without a problem.  But if he’s frugal and just cant spent the money and spent as much as he could bring himself to, then its a totally different story, and I would try to get past these feelings since thats part of what makes him the man he is. 

Post # 28
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@KatyElle: BEAUTIFULLY said. You covered everything I was thinking.

Post # 29
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I would wait a while and see how you feel before you talk to him about it.  Do you otherwise feel insecure in your relationship?

I’m going to go against the grain here.  While I also think the 2-3 month salary rule is bs (my SO spent around 2 weeks, and I wouldn’t want to spend more)  if my SO were loaded, and he knew that a certain type of ring was important to me, and gave me something inexpensive and the wrong style… yeah I’d be a little peeved, too.

Post # 30
Member
5282 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I get where you are coming from, you don’t sound spoiled or materalistic.

I had a friend who told her husband the style of ring she wanted (she wanted a princess solitare, w/ simple band) he bought here a three stone round ring – and of course she didn’t say anything to him, but she was disappointed that he didn’t put the care & concern into finding her something that she would value.

While I do agree the 2 months salary is BS – I think your underlying issue w/ this situation is that you don’t think he put in the time & effort into his “symbol of love” and I honestly would feel the same way if I were you.  

Also, I would like to add that you having these feelings doesn’t mean you arn’t ready for marriage – I think its a little unfair that other bee’s have jumped to that conclusion based only on the fact that you are disappointed with your ring….

Post # 31
Member
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

View original reply
@pinkshoes: exactly. I think this is a very case-specific thing. I agree that some guys might not really understand the importance of the ring or might not think it is a good investment, especially if you two have other things your’e saving for (paying for the wedding yourselves, honeymoon, house, etc). But you want to feel like your guy did put some thought, effort, and sacrifice into your ring. I know that my guy really scrimped and saved for months to save up for my ring and I think that is so sweet because he was TRYING so hard to make me happy. If he just ran to the mall and got me a ring that was basically insignificant to his budget I’d feel a little strange about that too. 

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