Post # 1
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
For about a year I have been really great friends with this guy. We have known each other many years but it is only this last year we have become really close. However he has met a girl, he said he wanted me to meet her and get to know her. But this has not happened. We used to talk all the time, go out for meals have a chat and a brew at least once a week. I still contact him but not as often as I didn’t want to interfere with his relationship. He returns my messages but they are always very short and then nothing for ages. He occasionally texts saying he misses my company and then i suggest a catch up and he makes excuses (well I assume they are anyway). I guess it is difficult for him and some women may not like their men having female friends. However a lot of his friends are female. He made a point of telling me no woman would come between his friendships. But I think this has happened. I truly wish him every happiness but I am feeling hurt that I am being pushed aside. I don’t have many friends i prefer a few great friends instead and I though he was one. What should I do? I don’t want to confront him and outright ask why he doesn’t contact me for the fear of him shooting me down. I just want my friend back; I would love to be able to witness his happiness. I’m really hurt what can I do? Do I give his new romance a chance and hope that it’s just the buzz of it all, and believe we can still be friends. Do I bow out gracefully and leave him alone or carry on with the small chitchat so he knows I am always around when he needs me.
Post # 3
Member
9650 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@stokieGal: Leave him alone. He’s involved in his new relationship and while you may be comfortable with having opposite sex friendships – she may not be comfortable with it. And this is his decision, not yours. She may have asked him to break off contact with you and he may be honoring her request. Which is his right to do – and hers as well, as his new girlfriend.
You’ve texed him and been blown off enough that you should get the hint to move on now. Friendships don’t always last forever. People change. I know it’s a tough thing to realize and I’m sorry this hurts you. Perhaps in time he will contact you again and introduce you to her. In the meantime, find other things, other people and other interests to fill your time.
Post # 4
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
Aww that’s tough but it happens a lot with new relationships. It’s hard to know if she has a problem with you, or if he’s just spending all of his time with his new girl, which is totally normal.
I’d just lay low for a couple of months and see how it pans out. Sometimes being a friend means not taking things too personally and letting your friend have a little space when they need it.
Post # 5
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
It is so sad when this happens. I have always got along better with men than women, I have way more male friends than female ones and this has happened to me more than once. Unfortunately, it is usually because the female can’t handle the guy having female friends. There really isn’t anything you can do, it’s just one of those things.
Post # 6
Member
5965 posts
Bee Keeper
It’s sad, but this happens a lot, and if he’s with a person whose threatened about this kind of relationship, you will only make yourself look silly if you confront him about it, create a bigger threat for his girlfriend and make life harder on him….it may be that it’s all new, and that’s who he wants to spend most of his time with…we’ve all been there right? And after the newness of it all has settled down, he might call you and get together, if not…he’s a goner until she’s out of the picture.
Personally I’ve never understood this particular problem with friends of the opposite sex, since you were there before she was, and if the two of you wanted to be together you would have by now, but didn’t…so what’s the issue?
Either way, your stuck on this one, time to find some new friends!
Post # 7
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
i pretty much expected those responses. i think i was hoping for ‘everything going to be fine’ he was like a brother to me so its a real kick in the teeth. 🙁
oh well …
Post # 8
Member
5965 posts
Bee Keeper
@stokieGal: I think it’s awful! I disagree with the concept that a romantic relationship trumps all others in a persons life! That’s a recipe for co-dependant disaster, you have to have lives outside of one another, and if there’s no trust…what’s the point?
Post # 9
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
@Nona99: thats the strange thing, and probably the reason i am struggling with this. she is one of his other female friends they have actually known each other a since school. i am his best male friends ex, i think should be more than obvious that if we even wanted to i would be a no go area for him. plus i don’t like him like that at all.
Post # 10
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
@Nona99: I think it’s awful! I disagree with the concept that a romantic relationship trumps all others in a persons life! That’s a recipe for co-dependant disaster, you have to have lives outside of one another, and if there’s no trust…what’s the point?
i agree with this, after all it was good enough for me to share my time with him, i have a fiance at home and a son and still i manage to make time for everyone.
i have quite a blokeish sort of relationship with him, i’m a real tomboy and thats where our common interests are, mainly football. the other thing that sucks is as i have known him so long and whilst i was with my ex too, he has acted like an uncle to my son.
Post # 11
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
Maybe you could try getting to know her too. Instead of inviting him out, next time you could invite both of them out so you’re sending a message that you are respecting their relationship. If you can become friends with her too, or if she just realizes that you and him are only platonic, maybe you can maintain your friendship.
I’ve been in this same situation many times myself and it does indeed suck!
Post # 12
Member
5965 posts
Bee Keeper
@stokieGal: Well, some people have their own issues, if it’s any consolation I can guarantee it has NOTHING to do with you…and myabe after they’ve had some time to be all crazy about each other, he’ll start showing up some more, but if not, you’ll know why….just don’t be sad…who wants a friend like that?
Post # 13
Member
9650 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@stokieGal: I disagree with the concept that a romantic relationship trumps all others in a persons life! That’s a recipe for co-dependant disaster, you have to have lives outside of one another, and if there’s no trust…what’s the point?
You are correct that if there is no trust in a relationship there is no point in it.
Part of his building trust with her possibly is his not contacting you (being a female) any more.
Just because you disagree with the concept that a romantic relationship trumps all others in a person’s life doesn’t mean everyone shares your opinion.
The bottom line is – this is his choice and you have no choice except to live with it.
However, if it makes you feel better why don’t you give him a phone call and talk to him and ask him these questions? Maybe he’s just been really busy and it has nothing to do with her. All you’re doing is speculating. Until he tells you exactly what is going on, you’re just guessing.
If he is really as close a friend as a brother, as you say, you should feel perfectly comfortable calling him to talk and ask to meet his new girlfriend. But you pointed out in your OP that you don’t feel comfortable doing so for fear of him “shooting you down.” If he is as close to you as a brother – Why is that?
Post # 14
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
@Nona99: thank you for your replies, they have made me feel a bit stronger about all this. i’m bipolar so have difficulty handling my feelings. i hope it doesn’t have anything to do with me, i don’t like it when people don’t like me, i know thats sad but its the way i am.
liliwo2016 thats not a bad idea, maybe i could get Fiance in on it too. we have actual had contact before but only via his facebook and i found her really funny 🙂 i would love to get to know her… i suppose it’s just a waiting game. only time will tell 
Post # 15
Member
5965 posts
Bee Keeper
I’m happy to help, and I really like the suggestion that you get together with both of them!! Why not? Your friends right? No need to get upset, because he probably doesn’t even realize, how time flies when we’re fallilng in love, right?
Post # 16
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
@Sunfire: i was up until very recently closer to him than i am with any of my brothers. and i have great relationships with all of them. i suppose what i mean is i don’t want to be told by him he can’t have a relationship with me. these are words i don’t want to hear. i know that his new relaionship means a lot to him, i have personally helped him with his quest to find a partner. he’s been alone for sometime. and i am fully aware that i cannot influence his desicion and i cannot force her to accept a friendship with me either.
and i know there are is only one of two answers i will get if i do call him.
1) i’m sorry stokiegal, i can’t have anything to do with you or something along those lines.
2) stokiegirl you’re a [email protected]*k, what on earth made you think that.
either way i;m left looking a fool!
