Post # 1
Ok bees, I need advice. My new hubby and I seem to be sexually on different pages right now and I just don’t know the best way to handle it.
A little backstory. He is into really hot and heavy, “throw each other on the bed like jungle animals” (hee, Too Much Information, I know, but we’re all adults here,) kind of sex. During our first couple of years, this was fine for me. Our relationship was new and exciting and I was good with this ‘style’, which I think gave him the impression that this is what I like.
So now, three years and our marriage later, I’m not liking this so much. Sure, every once in awhile you might want to tear each others clothes off and go crazy. By and large, though, if I just got home from work and threw in a load of laundry – I need a lot more ‘getting in the mood’. What used to be fun now feels too rough and sort of jarring. If I say I want foreplay he’ll oblige but it still isn’t what I was picturing – I like slow, sensual foreplay – kissing through clothes and undergarments first, a little teasing…you get the idea!
Sooo…I know the standard advice here is always talk, communicate, express your needs. I agree, but it’s difficult because what I want isn’t any one particular ‘thing’. It’s like a whole different style. More gentle, romantic, sensual, etc. I think it would be really weird to spell out every little part of that, from foreplay to finish, like I’m giving him a manual of every ‘move’ I want him to try, but if I don’t I don’t know that he’ll know what I’m talking about.
Any words of wisdom from the bees?
Post # 3
I think you can say what you want without having to tell him specific “moves”. You definitely need to talk to him….just explain that you need more warming up and you would like to try a more sensual style. You have to be very careful about how you say it, but you do not have to tell him what to do specifically.
Good luck to you.
Post # 4
Maybe it would help to plan a romantic night for the two of you? You could make him a special dinner, light some candles, put on lingerie, etc… Then, you can tell him exactly what to do when, and go at the pace you want. If you’re directing the show, he’s more likely to go at the pace you want. Maybe it would be even more beneficial to remind him over the next couple days how much you enjoyed that night and how much you can’t wait to do a “repeat.” 🙂 I think any guy would willingly take that hint!
Post # 5
Tie him up and then go really, really, slow.
Haha, the tying up part would create some excitement for him, but then you can get all the foreplay you need, and set the pace.
Post # 6
Try…”lets take it slow tonight” or “I’ve really been wanting to try this”. Not gonna lie, I wish my man was as horny as yours!! lol!!
Post # 7
Tell him exactly what you told us! I think it’s pretty understandable. Love the “tie him up and show him what you want” idea! I’m sure he’d go for that. Anything that can make this “discussion” into an “intimate game” rather than a lecture-style convo would be awesome!
Post # 8
You can just say, “softer, slower” and things like that, so he understands. You can also mention “you know I really like it when you….” and things like that.
Post # 9
Tell him you want to demonstrate on him….then do!
Post # 10
I think instead of talking about this (again) you need to actually do it. Tie him up if you think it will help/he’ll like it, bc then he won’t be able to take over. Demonstrate very clearly what you mean by foreplay/teasing by driving him crazy. Afterwards you can talk about it. A lot of people learn better this way! He might be nervous that he won’t do it right (hence sticking to the same method for so long) but tell him it’s ok if it’s not 100% awesome the first time. That’s the joy of all this – practise makes perfect 🙂
Post # 11
When you talk with him, instead of framing what you want as putting the kibosh on his rough style of love-making, why don’t you just talk about changing things up a little so as to “spice things up even more”? Then get straight to demonstrating what you mean. He probably thinks that slower and gentler means tepid. You can skip the discussion and show him that it means anything but.
The thing that turns a man on the most is a woman who is totally comfortable with herself and totally into him. Take the reigns to show him how you would like to do things, and if he starts to take control and take you into jungle-animal territory, stop him and make him slow down. Insist that you be in control and you can attend to him (or have him attend to you) in whatever way you want. If you are confident and in the moment, it will be hot, and he will like it.
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2010 - Heinz Chapel Ceremony, Museum Reception
So glad that I don’t have to be the first one to say “tie him up,” but seriously! Use a soft scarf and tie his hands up. I’m pretty darn sure he’ll think it’s sexy, and then you can do whatever you want!
Post # 13
Gosh, I want to create a “secondary account” just to comment on this!
It sounds like he maybe doesn’t differentiate between having sex and “making love”.
Is there a movie that epitomizes the sort of romantic style you have in mind? Rather than having to spell everything out using words, maybe you could plan out the romantic candlelight evening mentioned above and then start things off by watching the movie together…
Post # 14
This is when I’d pounce on him! And if he tried to get rough with me, I’d hold him down and go as slow as I wanted. ; ) Show that man of your what you want! Mr. Bee had a really good idea in watching a movie, too.
Post # 15
Could you maybe initiate “intimate time” by doing massages – and then when he is massaging you, you could say tease me. This is my favourite form of slow intimate foreplay (sorry if TMI). Could that work for you guys?
Post # 16
Love the Bees comments, “tie him up” 🙂
Also, check this out.
It’s a long read about Tantric sex. Incredibly interesting!