Feeling silly I cried because I didn't receive a proposal

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Mlim :  “He said there is another special date, I have no idea what he meant but we have a vacation to Mexico coming up at the end of August…”

How is a trip to Mexico not a special date and you have “no idea” what he meant??

Post # 34
Member
931 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

catchme :  Yes. I’ve been in that situation. I left. It hurt, but the decision was easy. Any man who was willing to play games with my heart, hurt my feelings and lie to me is not a man who deserved to meet me at the altar.  Full stop.  

Post # 35
Member
8328 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I have said often on these boards how  much l despise the situation where the man is clearly completely in control of something that should be a joint  venture. The pp who said maybe it is the only thing they do feel in control of , l have to say, with respect, what nonsense. Are you seriously saying that these waiting, sad , insecure women are in control of everything else? And if this ‘only thing’ hypothesis is right, then this must mean they take the opportunity to make it the most drawn out, tortuous experience possible.

 He can’t see she is unhappy.? Or, if he can he doesn’t know why? He doesn’t, after mentioning over the months and years the importance of certain dates and situations, actually recognise that not following through  on them might an issue?

Either this guy is an emotional dolt, or he actually enjoys the obvious power he wields. Or he just hopes in some vague way to delay it as long as possible and see ‘what happens’. 

And, OP, you have enabled all this by buying into this special surprise stuff as if you were a Victorian maiden waiting palpitating in the rose garden instead of his equal partner .  Way way time you put an end to this and briskly take him ring shopping and set the date for the modest wedding you prefer..

As pps have said, you already are functionally engaged, so do put a stop to all this surprise stuff, it’s silly and, for you, painful and damaging. Your crying is not silly, the wider situation is. 

 

 

 

 

Mlim :  

Post # 36
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Oh bee, I could understand if this was the last weekend of September, thus signifying that you did not receive a proposal by the end of your timeline… but you still have 2 full months left. I had a proposal fake-out myself one Saturday during my wait, but I certainly didn’t cry about it. I think you need to take a step back and chill out. Your Boyfriend or Best Friend clearly has something planned and it is still within your timeline. You need to go into every weekend, date, and trip with NO expections of a proposal. Unmet expectations are the cause of disappointment. 

If October 1st comes and you aren’t engaged… then you can cry. 

Post # 37
Member
4864 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

chitownyogini :  oct 1?? He said BY September so I think that means by Sept 1st or it’s done. He only has a month and a few days left. 

Its really sad that he’s dangling this proposal over you. You don’t need a ring to be engaged and you don’t need much money to get married at your local city hall. Sorry but prepare yourself for a bunch of excuses when September comes.

Post # 38
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee

catchme :  Yes to everything Sunburn said.

I called off a wedding 2 months prior to the day.  Invitations had already been sent out.  I walked away from that relationship because I had enough self respect to.

Was it easy? Not really.  I was embarrassed.  But I couldn’t get married to that guy.  I figured breaking an engagement was better than going through with the wedding and eventually getting a divorce.

But life goes on.  Time does heal.

Post # 39
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee

 

sunburn :  totally agree with that…insecure you stay but with self esteem you know there’s someone else out there who’s going to be so excited to spend their life with you that they wouldn’t put you through the hell of waiting for 8 years. 

Post # 40
Member
244 posts
Helper bee

catchme :  Yeah it definitely sucks and isn’t easy… but what’s your point?

Telling her she should walk if this dude (who it seems has been dangling the idea of a proposal in front of her for quite some time, which is cruel) doesn’t follow through is solid advice. Sure it hurts. Lots of stuff in life is really difficult to do… it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing. In fact, we’ve seen time and time again (sadly) that it’s the right thing.

We can’t give OP iterative advice. We can’t just say “okay this is the next step we think you should take,” wait or OP to take said step, come back to the boards, and then have us suggest a next step, and then a next steps a few weeks/months later, etc. We’re giving end-goal solution suggestions. 

Did you mean you think we shouldn’t be telling her to walk away?

Post # 41
Member
1118 posts
Bumble bee

Mlim :  ummm he told you two years ago you wouldn’t have to wait much longer?

And he’s seen you break down crying about something he could easily change at any moment and still hasn’t? 

Your boyfriend is a piece of shit. 

It is beyond me why you are still with him.

Post # 42
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

You need to realize that you are asking for so little. You have waited far longer than the usual acceptable amount of time to be left in suspense about a major life choice, you’re not looking for anything big or elaborate in terms of wedding or proposal, and he’s still dragging his feet. You need to stop accepting his excuses, they are the ones every man who doesn’t want to get married comes up with. Verbatim. At this point you shouldn’t even be considering why he’s doing this to you, the more pressing issue is why you’re so determined to spend the rest of your life with someone who demonstrably does not care about your needs. You deserve someone who plans with you, not someone who puts you off like every other thing he’s procrastinating.

Post # 43
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

lifeisbeeutiful :  The meaning of “by September” can be argued by semantics. All I mean by my comment is that, in my experience, the timeline is not arbitrary. FH (then BF) and I talked about getting engaged for years but knew our circumstances had to be right before taking any serious moves towards marriage (steady jobs, our own place, savings etc.). Once those were settled then he wanted to save up for the ring. Once he had enough money he said “we’ll be engaged by ____ day”. I knew that he needed those 3 months to find a stone and have a ring made. So I trusted him and patiently waited. 

OP is definitely entitled to check point talks during her waiting time… “hey Boyfriend or Best Friend, are we still ontrack for a September engagement?” But crying with over a month left? No. 

Post # 44
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I’d like to point out we don’t know how old OP is… they’ve been together 8 years. Maybe they’re high school sweethearts and she’s 22-24? Yes 8 years is still a long time but some of us are making assumptions about this man that are not fair.

Mlim :  how old are you and your BF?

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