Feeling silly I cried because I didn't receive a proposal

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

beeyouteefal :  That’s some good detective work! I stand corrected. 

Post # 49
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Mlim :  I made a post about proposal fake-outs 4 months ago where I posted my own story. If you can get past a rather unfortunate exchange at the beginning there are a good amount of stories from other (now happily engaged) bees who where expecting a proposals that didn’t happen at that time. 

https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/story-time-proposal-fake-outs/

Post # 50
Member
991 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

id say wait until th time line and if your not will not walk forget engagment and marrage and be happy with what you have stop pressuring him and let it be if he wants to propos let him if he doesnt then just be together u just have to decide how much u wanna be married vs how much u wanna be with this guy 

Post # 51
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

Mlim :  you just said it’s almost been two years since you moved in but in your OP you say you’ve been living together for 3.5 years. So which is it?

You’re downplaying what a tool your SO is being and trying to now minimize the length of time you’ve been entwined in each other’s lives. It’s been 8 years. You should not have to wait several more months. That is so ridiculous. 

Hes jerking you around (“I was gonna propose at dinner but then something happened”) and you’re putting up with it.

If he actually wanted to propose he would have realized when his plan supposedly fell apart that there is never a perfect moment- you just have to seize the moment and it’s not about a surprise (which give me a fucking break) but about letting go of what has to be a perfectly orchestrated moment and making it official, whether it is an Instagram-worthy moment or just another moment in life. 

It is quite telling that he still is holding out for the magic of a surprise over your happiness, especially after he saw you crying over it.

He could have easily made an ordinary moment extraordinary by asking you to be his wife literally any other moment of the last several years. But he chooses not to every single day. Remember that.

And if you do get a ring, just keep in mind that he is more invested in superficial appearances and surprises than caring about your feelings on such serious matters. Very selfish and careless indeed.

Good luck with that.

Post # 54
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

Mlim :  I see. I think it’s safe to say it’s been long enough. Im sorry you’re dealing with this. I think you deserve better.

Post # 55
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

Mlim :  You say “He asked me if I wanted to know what the plans were” and I think that is really sweet of him. He is trying to ease your anxiety and assure you that it is coming. To me, it sounds like it’s happening very soon – maybe in the next 2 months. I wish you all the best – I am a waiting bee and I’m hoping it happens in the next month as well. I hope in a couple of months we will both have our peace!

Post # 57
Member
3934 posts
Honey bee

I really dont understand what his grandparents illness and death has to do with his inability to propose. You’re throwing everything but the kitchen sink out as an excuse for him. We get it, you’re a volunteer in your boyfriend’s depressing little game. So enjoy playing, it sounds terribly exciting – emphasis on terribly.

Post # 58
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Mlim :  just popping in to say I GET IT. It was in 2016 that I was going through the same angst. My dang birthday went by with no proposal and I was so angsty and sad. But we were going to the beach a few days later and that’s when he proposed. It seems obvious to me he wants to propose in Mexico! Just both agree to not talk about it again and let it “happen” on his terms. You will still get to be surprised! 

Post # 59
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

He offered to tell you when he was going to propose. That indicates he has firm plans to propose. I don’t understand why everyone is making such a big fuss about your bf and making him out as a sadistic tool. It sounds to me like he wants to reserve the “surprise” aspect of it to keep it traditionally romantic. However, if you’re getting so anxious about this proposal that you broke down in tears, there’s clearly some baggage going on. Pp’s mentioned a backstory of how he told you 2 years ago he’d propose “soon”. That explains your anxiety!

As a practical matter, did you pick out a ring together? If he picked it out on his own, is he going to wait past the return deadline before he formally presents it to you via proposal? What if you don’t like the ring?

At this point, the proposal is just a romantic formality but you need (and deserve!) assurance that he’s committed (because he has a history of saying the proposal is coming “soon” but it didn’t and you’ve been together for so long.) I’d start looking at wedding venues and dates with him to put your mind at ease. Let him do the proposal whenever he has it planned, and you’ll be able to wait happily, knowing it’s coming before the wedding date. Either that or tell him to drop the grand plans and do the proposal now. I feel that option 1 is a bit more romantic and sets the timeline you seem to need. 

Wedding planning does not have to happen in a linear way. My bf and I chose fall 2020 for our wedding and we’ve looked into venues, wedding planners, and dj’s long before we found the e ring design we want. I know he’s going to “propose” with the ring sometime before the wedding, so I’m a happy waiting bee. At the rate we are going, we might have the venue booked before we have the actual e ring and “proposal”. 

To sum it up, I think you need to establish a marriage timeline with him, rather than a proposal timeline. He can still do the cheesy bended knee proposal, but you’ll know for sure it’s coming. I personally don’t think proposal timelines mean much, nor do they make a ton of sense. What’s the point of having a timeline for a ring if you don’t have a timeline for the legally binding matrimony? A ring doesn’t guarantee marriage within a certain amount of time. 

Stay positive, Bee! You shouldn’t feel silly at all. You have 2 years worth of “waiting” anxiety built up!

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