Post # 1
I am feeling so overwhelmed and alone and my wedding is 7 weeks away, and I guess I just need to vent (sorry kinda long).
I lost my mom to cancer when I was young. My sister has moved abroad and shown no interest in helping with planning. My fiance’s mother is disabled (physically and we are now realizing mentally as well) and has never even asked me about anything wedding related. I love my future Mother-In-Law dearly, but the wedding planning process has really made it apparent that I will never have the type of relationship I envisioned with a Mother-In-Law. I was never looking to replace my own mother, but I thought I would have a motherly type figure in my life. And I’ve had to almost go through a grieving process letting go of the Mother-In-Law relationship I now realize I will never have. Which in turn makes me miss my mom so much more.
I have a couple aunts who have offered to help but I don’t feel like I can accept help from either of them. You see, they are sisters who had a huge falling out 10 years ago and haven’t spoken to one another since then. Not even when their own brother passed away two years ago. It makes me feel like I can’t ask either one for help because it will be like I am taking sides and the other one will be offended.
My fiance has been wonderful but his work hours have been crazy and he’s usually out of town on business or working until well into the night. To make matters more complicated, I live in SF but my wedding is in LA. I have a great wedding planner now, but we only found her 2 months ago after firing another wedding planner who did no work for 7 months (thats a post for another day).
My BMs live all over the country, and they have been amazing with offering emotional support. But I still feel so alone, and it’s getting to the point where it is hard to get anything done for the wedding. I feel hesitant in finalizing/signing vendors because I feel like I don’t have anyone else besides my planner to bounce things off of. And since I am having an ethnic wedding with a lot of details especially in the ceremony (and my planner is not familiar with the ceremony details), I don’t feel confident in my own ability to pull this off.
I’m really looking forward to my marriage, but my wedding, not so much. And I feel so guilty that I am feeling this way because I am so lucky to be marrying an amazing man who comes from such a loving family. I have a lot to be thankful for, but I still feel so sad and overwhlemed. Anyone else in a similar boat?
Thank you for letting me vent.
Post # 3
@Ms. Vanilla Bean: Where is your Fiance in all of this? I talk to him most about wedding stuff. I understand the dress part would be difficult but everything else would probably be a mutual decision.
Post # 4
Does your Fiance have an aunt or sister-in-law who might be thrilled if you asked her to step up and give you some major planning support?
Post # 5
Yep…I hear you….I am in the same boat.
Post # 6
@Treeline: Fiance is working really long hours and away on business every week. I’ve had to make most of the trips down to LA on my own. We talk about wedding stuff but I feel guilty taking up his time asking about input on vendors after he gets home from a 14+ hr long work day.
I’ve talked to him about the sadness I feel about not having my mom, but I don’t want him to feel guilty about his mom’s situation. He is his mom’s main caretaker and under so much stress just dealing with her illness that it feels trivial to say that I’m bummed out that she isn’t involved with our wedding. It’s difficult for him too, because I imagine he always though that he would have a relationship with his Mother-In-Law before he met me.
@39bride: Fiance doesn’t have any other female relatives.
@MrsJoyful80: Sorry to hear you’re in the same boat.
I guess I always imagined that I’d enjoy the wedding planning process, but it’s only left me feeling very aware of the maternal love/involvement that is lacking in my life. And as I imagine the next stage in our life, I am so saddened that I won’t have any help from a grandmother type figure when we have children. Honestly I thought all my emotional issues with losing my mother were settled long ago, but the planning and entering a new stage in my life is bringing it back front and center.
Post # 7
I’m sorry you’re going through this. *hugs* I know it doesn’t help your situation but I am going through the same emotions, too.
Post # 8
I think you should write a letter to your aunts asking if they could accompany you to some of your vendor appointments. You can do some things with one and others with the other. It shouldn’t have to be all or nothing. This especially important if they are your mothers sisters as it will help you feel close to her. You may be surprised that they will step up for you especially if you tell them how much you are missing your mom. Reach out!
Post # 9
Aw honey, i do know what you are going through. My parents are deceased as well and no one is helping me with planning. Weddingbee to the rescue! WE are here!
Post # 10
Vanilla bean–how are you feeling today?
Feel free to pm me anytime!
(My parents are deceased as well…and the wedding planning has brought up so much sadness.)
Hugs to you
Post # 11
@bricon: I agree. There is no reason you shouldn’t welcome your family when they have generously offered their help, especially since it’s potentially a relationship you’ve been craving. Their problems are their problems. You could offer full disclosure to each that you are accepting help from the other one, but it should in no way influence the relationship you have with the opposite aunt, because their problems are none of your concern. Really, it isn’t. They should be mature enough to realize that their feud is contained amongst themselves.
Post # 12
I am so sorry to the ladies that lost their parents. My dad is termilly ill with cancer, and we are going to loose him this year I am pretty sure. 2012 will be filled with highs and lows.
I have done most wedding stuff alone. I went dress hopping alone, I’ve done the bulk of the research alone (then I run the ideas by Fiance so he has a smaller selection to help make a decision). My sisters are not near me, my friends are not near me. A bachelorette party and bridal shower are just out of the question due to no one being close to me – geographically speaking.
And now we are going to elope so it’s more just us two. But alas there are bright sides to it! Perhaps you just need to find your PROs list like I have and refer to it often.
Hugs to you!!!!
Post # 13
I wrote a similar venting post. I hear ya. I have both of my parents (future in laws are out of the country and arrive 3 days before the wedding). My fiance and I are paying for everything – which is FINE, but I feel like there is some – I dont know what to call it – not animosity, but maybe just irritation – with my parents because they are not paying for it – i don’t know – it’s like just a basic lack of interest in the whole thing. My fiance has also been a great help, and my bridesmaids have tried – it’s just some of them are on to other chapters of their lives – kids, etc. and another is engaged herself…. another lives out of state, etc. So it feels like I don’t have anyone to bounce any ideas off of either. So I totally get that. That’s why I’ve been prowling the boards lately. but yes – i know the feeling – i am excited to marry my fiance, but I’m totally over the whole wedding – almost to the point where I get anxiety when I think about it and when people ask me about it. I think they expect me to just start gushing about how excited I am, but in reality, I’m kinda dreading it just because I want to get it over with. So vent away – I totally get where you’re coming from – and I’m sorry that your mom isn’t here to help you – my mom IS here, but hasn’t been much help at all. 🙁
Post # 14
Awww – poor thing! I know it isn’t the same as someone physically being there, but you definitely have us for support!