Feeling so down about postponing

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

*hugs* Given what you described, it’s absolutely the best decision to postpone the wedding.  While I’m sure it’s disappointing, in the end, you want to get married when you’re both happy and healthy and looking forward to your lives together.  You don’t want this dark shadow hanging over your wedding day, which should be one of the happiest days of your lives.  Instead of thinking too much about the future and about disappointed expectations, focus instead on the present.  Think of short term goals for today, or for this week.  Focus on what you and your fiance need to stay mentally and physically healthy.  Your fiance is getting the help he needs.  While depression is scary and can be an ongoing battle, he can and will get better with help.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Is there a close friend or family member who can support you through this?  I can imagine it is overwhelming to think about sending out a card or letter informing the invited guests about the postponement.  Maybe you can delegate that to someone else so you don’t have to deal with it.  Otherwise we can help with the language and what to do.  We’re here to support you, bee.

Post # 4
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

The last thing you should worry about is what everyone else thinks.  That doesn’t matter.  The only thing that matters right now is for you and your fiance to be healthy and happy.  Don’t worry about the backlash right now.

I did a search and found a past weddingbee thread with suggestions about wording to inform guests of postponing a wedding, and I really like this one:

“Dear Family and Friends,

Due to unforeseen circumstances, our wedding has been postponed to a later date. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused, and look forward to celebrating our marriage/union with you in the future.

PS – Please disregard our Save the Dates and stay tuned for our newly chosen date.

Best regards,

Beachykeenbee & Beachykeenfiance”

Also, if you google “weddingbee” and “postpone wedding” you’ll find a bunch of threads from past bees who went through a similar experience, if that helps.

Post # 5
Member
8321 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

beachykeenbee :  

 Oh dear, such a shame,  poor him and poor you too . I was going to say can  you not just scale the wedding right down and have a nice  little park ceremony  or something , but I see the save the dates have gone out, so …..

He  must be pretty bad to be actually hospitalised so of course  you have done absolutely the right thing in deciding to postpone. Unless he does a big  turnaround and is better in a month and you both  feel able to go  ahead as planned ? ( I know this is really unlikely , but I just thought  there was maybe no need to instantly  act on your postponemnt decision until you get a  handle on his prognosis)

Depression as bad as his sounds is very rarely just a simple reaction to stressors – though of course these can and do exacerbate the situation.  It is something which will need careful medication and therapy and probably for some years to come . But you sound like you  are aware and ready and willing to deal with this,  and speaking  from personal and familial experience, it is very doable.

The best of luck for now and the future . I like the wording pp above suggests don’t you ? It’s  firm and clear but with a positive and forward-looking feel to it .

Post # 6
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

As someone who has some pretty major mental health issues which I am working on managing, with varying success, I 100% think you should postpone. I tend to feel a lot of pressure to “be normal” and not let my mental health interfere with my relationship. But honestly, whenever I push myself too much like this it ends up being a complete mess. Also you are a fantastic person for a) believing your FI’s depression is a real disease and b) viewing it as something you have to handle as a couple, not something that is just his problem to fix. I swear it would do wonders if more people with mental health issues had a supportive partner like you. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Can you still go through with the wedding and just leave him out of most of the planning?  That way he’s not stressing as much and you can still have the wedding as planned.  He’s still going to have to work on himself and I don’t see anything wrong with it happening before AND after the wedding…  I don’t think the wedding has to wait if you are both 100% sure you want to get married.

Post # 12
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

I think you’re doing the right thing. You sound very loving and supportive and that will help him to work through this. My fiance and i have both struggled with mental health and are medicated, and from my perspective you are dealing with this well and making sound decisions.

While i do think that being engaged is going to be stressful any way you swing it, a 9 month engagement during a mental health crisis will make it miserable. I think it’s wise to wait until things are improved and more settled so that you can start off your life together from a place of joy and confidence. His depression could really sour the once in a life time experience for him (and for you). 

Save the dates is really not so bad, you could send out cute postpone the dates to lighten the reception/perception of the news. Let him take this time to work on his mental health and your relationship and then get going on the wedding again when you’re in a better place and can really enjoy it. 

Post # 13
Member
6663 posts
Bee Keeper

beachykeenbee :  Sending so many hugs!

You are dealing with so many stressful things–adding wedding planning on top of that is not what you need right now. Give yourself this break so that you can put your energies where they are most needed. Don’t forget to take care of yourself, Bee. 

 

Post # 15
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

 beachykeenbee :  If he’s seeing a therapist or someone weekly, I would recommend attending part of a session with him to address this very issue. The therapist should be able to give advice to both of you about how much support from you is too much and what’s fair and healthy to ask of you. It might also be easier for him to hear from the professional that yes, it’s okay and maybe necessary for you to take a night or two a week to go out and recharge, whereas if it came only from you, he might interpret it as cruel or that you don’t care (depression lies!). It’s important that you do maintain your own mental health here!

He should also be learning about self-care at this point, about developing coping strategies beyond just relying on you. This might be a good way to model self-care for him as something essential for mental wellness whether you’re mentally ill or not!

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