(Closed) Feeling so overwhelmed. Advice needed.

posted 4 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee

Have you mentioned any of this to your husband? I would sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. Tell him how you feel, tell him you want him to take on some responsibility. Just because you’re the woman does not mean you have to be the one to take care of your daughter all the time.

Ask him why he wants more kids when he barely sees or spends time with the one you do have. 

Post # 3
Member
7873 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. Having a baby is an enormous adjustment and your life will never be the same. That being said, your husband’s lack of support is troubling. Working full time, being the main caretaker for your daughter and carrying the load of the housework is not fair. Everyone needs a break and your husband needs to step up and make sure you get one. Especially if he wants to even think about having more children. I mean, I don’t understand why he cant watch the baby while you do Zumba? Its his kid too!

My husband and I have set it up where every Monday night is just my night. He fully takes responsibility for our two kids and I can go do whatever I want- go shopping, take a walk, go out to dinner with friends. It is not a ton of time- but it is a great break of time where I can return to “me”.  And it’s something I get to look forward to. You need to have an honest conversation with your husband, otherwise you will begin to resent him.

Post # 4
Member
1219 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so sorry for you. Your husband doesn’t sound very supportive to say he was so committed to having children. If he makes (rude and unnecessary) comments again about your weight, I would say “well, take care of our daughter for a while and I’ll go for a run”. Can there not be a couple of nights a week where he stays home and you go work for your business? It’s equally important for your daughter to spend time with her father.

You need to talk to your husband, explain how you’re feeling and see what he suggests. Until you’ve sorted out a plan which makes you happier you certainly shouldn’t be having any more children. Good luck

Post # 5
Member
5842 posts
Bee Keeper

Your husband seems to love the idea of being a father, but he needs to accept the responsibilities that come with the reality of being a father- and a husband. There is no doubt he’s a hard worker and trying his best to succeed financially, and perhaps this is his own idea of the father and husband being the provider. But to say it’s important for you to spend time with your daughter while seemingly not acknowledging that both you and your daughter need time with him as well seems a very narrow minded viewpoint. I know you love your daughter lots and that finances are tight- but it’s essential for your well being to have even just a little time for yourself as well, in fact IMO it helps make you a better happier more well rounded and balanced person which can only enhance your role as a mother. Keep in mind also, that as your daughter grows you will be an example to her, a role model, and you don’t want her seeing you not being able to have any interests/ hobbies etc of your own & catering to everyone else’s needs but your own. I think you need to have an undistracted serious talk with your husband, he needs to see himself not simply as a provider but as someone who needs to be emotionally available to you and your daughter with more emphasis on family life as opposed to being a workaholic, some balance is needed for him as well. On a sidenote though- boo hiss on him for making negative comments about your body under any circumstances, but most especially in light of the fact that he’s roadblocking your efforts at physical activity!

Post # 6
Member
5159 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I’m childfree by choice, but, I did want to respond because I do have friends who share similar stories to you, and I wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone, and I guess I mostly just wanted to say I am sorry you are having a tough time.

It looks like we are probably of the same age if the “1979” indicates anything, and I can really relate to all those things you enjoyed about your pre-baby life, including that we have our own business in addition to other jobs. Most of your adult life I expect to the point of having your baby has been rather independent, more spontaneous, being able to get lost in doing whatever you are doing and not worry about it, and so on. It WOULD be a huge adjustment to go from that to having your life so centered around a baby. 

Have you looked at mom and baby/toddler fitness classes, where you can bring your daughter along? I know they have something like that at a few places around where I live. I know you might want a break break but at least you would be able to get some working out in, and some socialization, and even your daugther will meet other playmates.

I know you don’t resent your husband, and it sounds like he works hard outside the home (I know how long those days can be!) but I DO think he is being very unsupportive of you emotionally, and not being a very good “teammate”. I do NOT get why he is resistant to taking care of his own child for a couple of hours so you can get a break a couple of times a week, be it to go to Zumba or go ride your horse? I mean, it is almost like he did not realize having children involved parenting those children. He likes the idea of being a dad…without actually thinking of what that involves. He is also being insensitive about your post-partum body. I mean, I know the reality is things have changed, but you know that too, and if you have communicated how it hurts to hear it, I am not sure why he brings it up again.

I think you need to have a very good heart to heart talk with him about how you are feeling. Don’t let him pass off the overwhelmed thing as a reason not to build a barn, communicate you are overwhelmed because you feel you are left all on your own to care for your daughter, not even able to get a break for a couple hours a week, and are losing yourself in the process. To me it seems like having a barn and your horse there would be a way to get a break, not make it worse for you.

Oh, and don’t be pressured into having more kids if you don’t want them. You may or may not want more down the road, but if you don’t, don’t feel you HAVE to have more just because you once said you would have 3. I can’t even tell you how many people I know who talked about having X many kids before they had their first, and quickly downsized their plans to one and done, or two and through, or whatever else. It is easy to imagine having a lot of kids before the reality of that is known!  It would be easy for your husband to say he wants more, as he is already shifting all the responsibility of the one off to you.

Also re your horse…is there anyone else you know who would be able to take him out riding? I imagine part of it is you feel bad for the guy, but then at least he would get ridden?

Post # 9
Member
5159 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

tiredmom1979:  “and that is where his response of maybe we shouldn’t build the barn comes in”

Yeah, in my comment above I mentioned this needs to stop. To me, this is more like a punishment for you sharing your feelings and asking for support (“oh, you feel overwhelmed, and like you have lost your previous life, well, let’s take away something else very important to you”)

He is shifting responsibility from himself to you (“you knew who I was”) and to other external sources (“the barn”).  

He may be listening to you, but he is not hearing you.

Your added comment just makes him sound even more unsupportive than I originally thought. Before I sort of chalked it up to maybe not realizing, but now that you say you have talked to him and that he keeps deflecting, ugh, well, I think he is being deliberately obtuse and dickish about it. This is HIS child to. He is ALSO a parent, but he seems to think that as long as “one” of you is doing all the parenting (you) he can keep on ticking as before. 

He seems really, really naive about what life with a child involves. Of course you are not as independent and free-spirited and active as you were before! You have a child who is completely dependent on you and NO support from him!

I believe you when you say you don’t resent him…but that will change in time.

Post # 10
Member
471 posts
Helper bee

if I were to give your husband advice id probably say “it’s better to bend than to break” your husband works a LOT, that schedule is pretty intense.  I can see how there is an unhealthy divide between the two of you.  maybe you can sit down and have a “things NEED to change or I’m going to break” talk.  Explain that you are feeling depressed about your horse and your body and need time to do these things to feel fulfilled.  He is your husband. He haaaaas to respond to that. 

Post # 11
Member
4097 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry,  but your husband is flat out being a dick. And you may not be resentful now, but you will. 

He wanted this child too, he needs to take some responsibility.  He also needs to recognize that you can’t possibly be a good mom when you’re miserable. It’s great that he’s providing financially, but supporting your family means a lot more than bringing home a paycheck.  And saying you knew who he was is a complete copout. A baby has completely changed your life: he doesn’t get to just continue on with business as usual, and make no adjustments or sacrifices.

If he won’t listen to you, I would suggest counseling.  And I would be very clear that additional children will *never* be on the table until he gets it together. 

Post # 12
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think it was easier to have larger families back when grandparents and relatives all lived in the same community. Can you lean on an extended support network? Swap free babysitting with mom friends? Get a teenager to provide cheap care, maybe help you while you’re at home? Even with two parents (let alone a single parent!) it is still hard. 

Post # 13
Member
5159 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

tiredmom1979:  I know money is tight, but is it possible to pay a sitter a couple nights a week for an hour or two (or like another poster suggested, swap babysitting/playdates with another mom) so you can go ride your horse, or do whatever you want to do on your OWN.

It absolutely SHOULD be him who helps out with his own child, in order to also help you, his wife, out, but if he isn’t going to do that – and it seems he has made it clear he won’t, I would take matters in my own hand and just make other arrangements.

Ugh, I am feeling so irritated at your husband on your behalf. 

 

Post # 14
Member
6271 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t have a lot to add to what other bees have said but I just wanted to say that I’m not seeing much of a balance here between you and your husband. 

I don’t have kids but I can see that everybody needs some down time even when you have children that are the centre of your universe. 

Can you look at some way to get some help so you can have some time to yourself for an afternoon. And what about time for just you and your husband as well?  You need some adult time together after all  

he really doesn’t sound like he understands partnership. 

I also wanted to comment as I too have a horse. I’ve been working away a lot so haven’t ridden for a few weeks, or even hung out with my horse. I understand what a therapy that is and I wish I could make your husband see that you having an hour or two to just mooch around at the stables for an hour or two would make you so much happier as a wife and mother. 

Post # 15
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry, bee. Your husband seems to like the idea of a big family but has no concept of the role of a father. Parenting requires balance, and you WILL resent him as time goes on if this pattern doesn’t change.

His lack of empathy is really sad to me. How can he shift blame on you, remark about your body, belittle you and gaslight you about your concerns? Is he really that ignorant? It’s a real problem that he is acting this way.

Honestly, I’d do anything in your power to make him live a few hours of your every day. Write a letter describing it, video record it, talk about it, something. He has to see, he has to care, and he has to change. He’s your husband and the father to this child.

Don’t have more children with this man until you can make him see the reality of the situation you’re in. It’s just not sustainable.

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