(Closed) Feeling So Sad And Confused (a bit of a long rant)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Welcome 🙂

It’s completely understandable that you’re frustrated right now. You have every right to expect him to do what he said he would do.

That being said, something to keep in mind is that being employed is a huge ego thing for most men. Even if you don’t need him to take care of you, changes are that he feels like he needs to be able to provide for you, and that he’s failing you by not having a steady income. It doesn’t excuse his failure to follow through, but it might be part of the reason.

Have you talked at all about your plans beyond getting engaged? I.e., how long of an engagement, what type of wedding, who will be paying for it…etc? It might help if you two sit down and (calmly) discuss both of your expectations, and what you can do together to set (and achieve) reasonable timelines.

Post # 4
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi Mimi,

Hugs to you!

I’m sorry you are going through this.  Job stuff is hard for guys, because it’s how they get as sense of their identity – especially in his age bracket.  So, I get what he means…. he wants to feel secure that he can provide for you.

However – I get your position as well.  My opinion, for what it’s worth, (and I will probably be in the minority) is that you say that you are no longer interested in dating him.  You understand that he needs some time to get his life in order and be in a position where he can be “excited” about the prospect of sharing his life with you; because he is excited about his own life.  And you want to give him that time and space. 

But………. being that you don’t want to date, and your intention is to be married that puts you two at an impasse.  And you need to not be in this relationship unless you are engaged with a firm date set for marriage.  You understand and are supportive of marrying him, regardless of his employment status, current state of mind, potential financial woes or windfalls.  But you realize he needs to feel more secure in his future before he can propose with the intent on marrying you.

If you stay….. you will wait.  and wait.  he will not have a ‘wake up call’ to get his sh*t in order and marry you.  That may be enough for you.  You may think about it and decide that being with him as a boyfriend is better than being without him (or being with someone else).  I don’t know……

If you do the above….. I would think you would either be engaged within a couple months….. or you will be free to find a man who can commit to you while you are still young enough to make additional decisions about what kind of future you want.

I’m sorry you are going through this!  I hope things work out for you!

Post # 5
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

First off, welcome! Second, I’m sorry, it sounds like you have a tough decision to make. That being said, I would say that right now is a really good time to evaluate what you want out of life. Do your goals align with those of your SO? Does he understand why it’s important to you to get married? Once you’ve done some self-evaluation, I think you’ll have a better idea of where to go. 

If you feel that your SO is sincere in his desire and you WANT to spend the rest of your life with him, I would find a time that you feel, calm and in control of your emotions and really have a deep conversation with him about your future. Communication is key and if you are to stay with him, you need to be on the same page. After that, I would compromise and build a timeline. 

If you see yourself having a better quality of life without him, then it’s pretty simple. You move on. 

Be true to yourself and the things you want! 

Post # 6
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I’m sorry to hear about all the stress you’re under and that you have to go through this. 🙁

I’d give it a little time. The reaction you got from him is promising. He apologized and brought you flowers and admitted his mistake–which is all good. If he doesn’t follow through, I’d give serious thought as to the future of the relationship. Actions speak louder than words–if he’s really committed to you, he’ll drop everything and try to make it work.

Maybe he’s just really worried about being able to “provide” for you after you’re married.I can see that as being a very realistic reason for a man not wanting to be engaged–he has no job and can’t take care of you if you should fall on hard times. Men still think they’re responsible for bringing home the bacon, as it were, even if they actively deny it. Being engaged might also make the cost of a wedding more immediate to him. Maybe he thinks he can’t afford it as he has no job and doesn’t want to disappoint you.

Has he been actively looking for jobs?

The best thing you can do is be completely open and honest about your feelings (which it sounds like you have been) and hope he will do the same. Maybe just sit down and talk with him and ask him as bluntly as possible why he’s afraid of engagement.

It was completely out of line and disrespectful to tell you he was about to propose and then didn’t do it. I’d be pissed off if a man did that to me…it’s demeaning.

Post # 8
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think you have to be very clear on what you in a husband. If his response to unemployment in his sector is to sit about in his underwear trading online rather than say getting a job in another field, or pursuing jobs in a related field etc to pay the bills, is that the sort of character you want? I’m not saying he is a bad man, but hs reponse to his own adversity will govern the kind of married life you have together.

I had a very similar story with my fiance, he had his own business which he refused to give up on even when it did poorly. I knew that our future was effectively held up. He was adamant that he was keeping his business and that we would succeed, he did spend months ploughing his every waking moment into it, and it has become a success. We got engaged last week, after 18 months of dating. 

I decided that, while I was angry we had to wait and his business was always going to come first, I know that he was sure he was working that hard for me, and I had faith in him that he would come through for us, even when it meant I had to sacrifice. I was prepared to do it because he is is a man who inspires and cares for me. I may feel jealous of his business, but he romances me every day, I always feel loved and a priority. I knew that he had the qualities I wanted in a husband, even it meant a wait for me.

I could have walked away and found a man with a well paid 9 to 5 but I wouldn’t have been happy.

The decision is yours, but you’re in a great life stage to find someone who reacts to adversity in the way you would, because you seem less than enamoured with the way he has handled his own finances and your feelings. That he has offered flowers and an apology is great. If it were me, I’d give him a few months to sort his life out while you live yours, and then meet in a few months to see where you are. Nothing like a bit of distance to motivate a man.

 

Post # 9
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@mimi123:  I think your feelings are completely valid in this situation.  I also understand what some of the other ladies have said about unemployment and a man’s ego and wanting to provide for you.  However, my fiance was laid off right after we began ring shopping.  He was unemployed for almost a year – he actually was at a job interview the day before he proposed and ended up getting that job.  Despite him being unemployed, he found a way to buy me my dream ring and make it happen for me.  His very own words were that job or no job there is always a reason for it not to be the “right” time to buy an expensive ring.  He was tired of waiting for a job to get engaged.  

 

So while I understand there are financial hurdles (ring) to getting engaged (although there are inexpensive options or upgrades later) I don’t really buy into the whole he feels bad about himself becuase he is unemployed and can’t get engaged because of it.  If he wanted to propose, he would. Only you can make the decision of what to do and I’m not saying you should stay with him or leave him. Just be careful and take care of you first! 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Congratulations! Beautiful ring!

Post # 14
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

what a great outcome! congrats! the ring is gorgeous 🙂

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