- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
I feel stupid coming here to vent my sadness to a forum because I feel like I have nobody else…
I’m sitting here crying for one of the first emotionally difficult moments of my engagement. I apologize very much that this post is going to be so long, & I understand if people decide not to read the entire thing, although if you don’t, you’ll probably miss a lot of the story.
Backstory: My mother was only in my life until I was about 5yrs old. She had (possible still has) a very severe drug & alcohol problem so my very caring dad took full custody over my 2 sisters & I, even after a nasty custody battle with my mom & her mother, who even claimed that my dad molested us & took that nonsense to trial (totally untrue claim, btw). We moved from Florida to Michigan after the legal battle ended, & my mom stayed in Florida. For about a year when we lived in Florida, my mother lived about 5 houses down from us & I had no idea (although she did) until we had already moved out of state. I have had very brief contact with my mother throughout my childhood & young adult life, usually consisting of a phone call once or twice a year, a small gift sent in the mail some Christmases, & the occasional visit every year or two (usually where she only made a concerted effort to see me for a couple days, despite her being in state for over a week & making all sorts of excuses about other things that came up). I have had guilt issues throughout my entire life because of this, although I didn’t realize what they stemmed from until recently in my journey to become a psychology. Guilt whenever somebody entered or exited my life (especially adult women), guilt whenever I received a gift or generosity from somebody, & guilt everytime I saw her or spoke to her. In my rational mind, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that her absence has been nobody’s fault but her own, yet I still hurt, depressed, or guilty inside sometimes when I experience a trigger. I have spent my entire life genuinely forcing myself to believe (even on a subconscious level, I’m sure) that her neglect has not affected me in profound ways. But, then something seemingly small happens, & I am suddenly filled with a rush of emotions that seem to come out of nowhere.
Recent Events: Since I got engaged a year ago, my mother has made much more of an effort to be in my life. I once thought that her motives were pure, & she was turning a new leaf, but in recently months & even weeks her motives seem to be much more in live appearing to be mother-of-the-year to the guests at the wedding than because she really cares about me. I believe that my mother has deep seated psychological issues, either as the hands of her own childhood, or due to her own narcissism. I’m usually not a very confrontational person with people that I don’t know very much (funny that I have to stay that about my own mother), so while my older sister, who played mother to me for most of my life, is very combative with her & calls her out, I try to pretend that all those lost years were filled with happy memories together instead of emptiness.
Lately, however, my mother has been especially irritating & hurtful toward me, & I’ve been finding it very hard to bite my tongue for the sake of keeping the peace. She has decided to stay at my grandmother’s house for the time that she is up here (6 days) which is all the way across the state, despite the fact that she is welcome to stay with my grandpa who lives in the same town as us. My bridesmaids are coming in from out of state & will only be here for 5 days, so much of my time has to be devoted to getting last minute things in while they are here. My mom is only going to be staying with my grandpa for 1 day while she is here, so she wanted to go to Lansing with me for my “bachelorette party” on Wednesday, but I told her nothing was open there on that day, & it would be a waste of time (plus, being around my mother & heavy alcohol doesn’t sound like much fun). For some reason she got it in her mind that I agreed to this even though I did not. She has delusion issues. I told her that on the day she was going to be here I could spend the day with her but that I had plans that night with my dad & his family. She was irrate. She treated me very badly & yelled at me about it, & told me that it’s insane that my dad is a priority right now & not her, since she is only going to be here for one day. I basically just hung up on her. Another day passed & she just texted me “So excited to see you & to see my baby get married!” I hate when she talks like this. It brings my resentment out. I’m not her baby, & my dad deserves my time a LOT more than her. I basically texted her back that I didn’t like the way she treated me, & that I hated feeling like there was an elephant in the room whenever we tip-toe around all the lost time & neglect. She basically ignored what I said & said that she wanted to “move on & think about better things, like how beautiful the day will be…”
I’m just hurt. My dad has mother issues because him mom did essentially the same thing to him. To add insult to injury, my older sister is basically flaking out on my make-shift “rehearsal dinner” to hang out with a friend just because I said this friend couldn’t come to our dinner, since it’s a very intimate moment for family. I feel abandoned by my mother, & now by my sister who has basically been my mom my whole life.
I’m sick of having no woman figure that loves me unconditionally…