Post # 1
Ok, so I posted a few weeks ago about my waiting story. Well, we are back together from the 2nd brakup about the marriage issue and been together for a total of 3 years.
He has made 2 broken promises about the issue and I am having such a hard time not resenting him for these and just enjoying our relationship which is great, other than this issue. When we got back together, I laid it on the table…I need the commitement from him. I am ready to move forward. He agreed and said that he now understands that he needs to make that promise to me. In the past two weeks he has told me that he knows how exactly he wants to propose and has even brought up conversation about our wedding. He also has the money to buy the ring. However, when the conversation about where this relationship was going this weekend all he said was,”It’s going good now, that’s all that matters.” He wouldn’t say anything about the future. I can’t help but get upset but I didn’t want to prod further. Why would he tell me all these things and then can’t even answer a question about where this relationship is going. He truly is a great boyfriend and person….I just truly can’t believe that he would say these things about engagements and weddings and not mean them. I just don’t know what to think:(
Post # 3
@ladybug84: Wait it out. I remember your story from before, and yes he broke promises. But unless the damage he has done by not keeping his word is irreversible and will loom over the relationship no matter what, I would let him carry out whatever plan is in his head. I would take his reluctance to elaborate on where the relationship is heading as him plotting in his head and wanting to be somewhat in control of the situation. He may need to mentally prepare himself, and possibly is trying to make sure he surprises you. I mean, why would you both be discussing marriage if it wasn’t headed in that direction? Apparently from reading these boards, most men don’t divulge their proposal plans to their gf’s (at least not in very much detail). If you can trust him, take his talking about the proposal as his absolute intentions. If you cannot trust that these intenions will soon come to fruition (soon as in by the end of the year or whatever timetable you two have discussed), then that is a different issue entirely. If you can’t trust him, this will manifest in other ways even after enagement and marriage, and you should think about thether he is the one.
If you do trust him and know he is the one, don’t pressure him. Take up a short-term hobby (like salsa dance class) to distract you from obsessing, and wait it out one last time. This could be it and if you have a melt down or break up with him, you will never know! I hope you don’t resent him after the proposal for making you wait this long :).
In the meantime…if you must do something to positively reinforce his impending proposal…give him a “Just Because” card one day telling him how much you love and appreciate him and can’t wait to spend the rest of your life together.
You can do it and good luck!!
Post # 4
The fact that you have broken up at least twice over this issue and nothing has been fixed when you get back together – surely tells you perhaps he just doesnt want to get married? *Don’t know your relationship – just an observation on what you have told us*
Just as much as you want to get married and have the right to feel this way, he has just as much right to not to get married..
Unfortunately it takes 2 to walk up the aisle, and I think shotgun weddings are illegal now..
Post # 5
You’ve already broken up twice about this issue? You’d think the guy would start getting his stuff together after the first time. But is he at a stable point in his life – done with school, got a decent job, a place to live, etc.? If he doesn’t have that, it’s probably unlikely that it’s going to happen. If he IS settled and stable, then I think you’re within your rights to question why he perpetually makes up plans that he doesn’t intend to keep.
Did the two of you discuss timelines? Ie, when you got back together, was there a discussion akin to, “Within a year, we make our decision about getting engaged?” If you didn’t set a timeline that he agrees with, then I wouldn’t be surprised if this ends up in splitsville again. You have to make your boundaries and desires clear, and see where he stands. He’s talking about weddings and what he wants to do, but I see nothing here about a rough time when you can expect this to happen.
Other than that, make sure to build up a life apart from him – your own hobbies and friends to pursue. But if that timeline still doesn’t come through, break up for good and don’t go back. Life is too short to continue breaking up and going back over someone who just won’t marry you, but will continue to be with you so long as you’ll take him back.
Post # 6
THanks for all of the comments and truthfulness. It’s hard to hear sometimes but it helps. I am really nervous and anxious right now because I plan on asking him tonight about what he perceives is his timeline for an engagement. I know that I need to drop the issue but I will be able to if I know the timeline. This turns is from an IF situation to a WHEN which I can handle. I am super nervous as to what he may say. Will he laugh it off or be serious? Will he say six months…a year…never? If he laughs it off or cannot give me a straight answer…I don’t know what I will do. I love him with all my heart, but I cannot be strung along anymore without knowing his true intentions. It isn’t fair to me and what I want. I don’t need an engagement tomorrow but I would at least like the peace of mind that we are on the same page with the same timeline. I really hope he says within the next six months…we will see! Wish me luck!
Post # 7
Good luck, and yes I should heed my own advice, I have no idea what timeline me and my SO are working on (if any probably for him!) so I know exactly of your anxiety and nervousness on how he will respond!
I think his reaction will be your knowing.. if he can’t see how important this is to you (and I think you are being very fair on compromising that it doesnt need to be today – but a when?), then don’t make his views important to you.
Best wishes xxx
Post # 8
Well, needless to say that the convo went like many previous ones. He got that sad look in his eye and told me that while he would want to marry me one day, he just doesn’t see it happening anytime soon. He says that he doesn’t know what it is but he is just not ready for marriage at this point in his life and he wished he did. I am heartbroken and feel stupid for falling for his games again. He admitted that as long as I was willing to stick around he would let me and he hoped that he would wake up one day and want to get married. He loves me and I’m his best friend but he just isn’t ready and there is nothing that I can do to change that. I guess I am back at square one:( Good luck to all of you waiting bees and hopefully one day I will return as a true waiting bee!
Post # 9
How old are you? How old is he? If you are in your late 20s or older and you really want children it may be wise for you to move on. I know that that may sound harsh, but it is the best advice that I can give.