(Closed) feeling stuck

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It sounds like both your family/friends and your FI need to make an effort. You said so yourself that they are to blame as well. When you talk to her are you coming to her in a calm manner and using I-statements so she may be less defensive? What does she say will happen after the wedding with your family and friends?   

Post # 5
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

So her expectations are for you to stop talking with your friends?

Post # 7
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Have you thought about counseling?

Post # 8
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@stuckinthemiddle:  I dont necessarily agree with you in saying she should be making an effort to be close with your family.  Some people just don’t jive and I don’t think it’s fair to expect her to call them, text them, hang out with them, etc when you aren’t around (frankly, I think that’s strange but that’s just me).  She is marrying YOU, not your Mom, not your Dad, not your siblings.  All you can really expect from her is to be cordial when she’s around them.  Any relationship she has with your family that goes beyond cordial is just a bonus.  I’d let this go.

The issue with your friends… can you be more specific as to why she doesn’t like them?  Have they acted inappropriatly or said/done anything that can be interpreted as being rude or hurtful?  My fiance has a friend that I just simply don’t like… his personality and mine don’t mesh.  I still have this guy to my home, or we have gone out in groups.  I’m civil with him but don’t go out of my way to be friends with him too… 

I think you need to elaborate on what your friends and family may have done, what role have they played in distancing the relationship with her?

Post # 11
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@stuckinthemiddle:  It doesn’t sound like she’s nasty to these people, you haven’t mentioned that she gives you a hard time about being around your friends/family.  If that’s the case, then you should speak up.  But if this just a matter of her not being overly friendly and working to make strong bonds with these people, then I think your expectations are a little too high.  This “elephant in the room”… from what I’ve read, it sounds like you’re creating it.

I also would like to know exactly what was said to her to know if she’s overreacting ORif  she has legitimate issues with these people. 

 

Post # 12
Member
6746 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think that when you marry someone, you marry into their family and their circle of friends.  You need to explain that in a month, when the two of you marry, your family will be her family. It’s clearly not in her nature to be very “friendly” – don’t know a better word, but she seems like a homebody, which is fine.  But I know exactly hwo you feel – no one liked my ex because he prefered to be alone and was very quiet in social settings and it makes everyone uncomfortable.  It was part of the reason I had to end the relationship.  I wanted someone who my friends and family would like and who would like my friends and family.  I don’t think it’s odd at all to expect to become friendly with your in-laws.  I think it’s odd NOT to.  How could you not?  It’s your family now, too.  I constantly text my FI’s dad’s gf and less-so his dad.  I also am fb friends and reach out to his siblings, although we don’t text because I just get along better with his parents than I do his siblings.  I also recognize that even if I don’t like someone in the family, I’m not going to show that and I will still treat them the same way as everyone else.  I will still reach out and try to stay in touch.  It’s the nice thing to do.  But, they have been very welcoming and I didn’t do it at first until I felt very comfortable.  Perhaps your FI just never felt comfortable with it.  You should sit her down separately and express how important it is that on your wedding day, she marries you, your family, and your friends.  Then sit down with your friends and family and explain to each of them, too, how important it is for you to have them try to make her more comfortable b/c she just isn’t to no fault of anyone.  See if that helps. 

I’m sorry you’re in such a tough position just a month before your wedding.  I hope it all works out.

Post # 13
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@futuremrsk18:  Cleary there are different schools of thought on this.  I really don’t like the “you marry the man, you marry the family” deal.  Maybe I have a different opinion on this because I have a strange relationship with my future in laws.  Not a bad relationship, but not good either… they have made it somewhat difficult for me (inappropriate comments, resentment, asking very private questions, fishing through my things, etc).  I wonder if that’s the case with OP… maybe his family is a little too intrusive, too close for comfort for her.  Maybe not, just throwing it out there as a possibility.

Either way OP, it sounds like this is the way your fiancee is – reserved, introverted, private.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  But if those characteristics don’t correlate to what you expect in a wife, then you may have some problems down the road.  In any relationship where there is and issue like this, it’s either acceptance OR the expectation of change.  You either accept the way she is and ask that your friends and family do the same OR ask her to change her attitude when she’s around them.  This is something you two need to work out together, prior to marriage and children (or at minimum get the ball rolling i.e. have a serious chat with her, seek counseling, etc).

Good luck.

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