(Closed) Feeling taken for granted. Need to get this off my chest.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
11102 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

It sounds like it’s time to sit him down for a serious discussion about timelines.  Right now, he has all the power & the relationship is out of balance.  Time to seize some control of your future with some open & honest discussion.

Post # 4
Member
4820 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

WiredOwl:  Is there something in particular he doesn’t feel comfortable with – a big wedding, or the planning process?  Would he still prefer to elope?  And I agree with the above poster – time to have an open discussion about where you both see the relationship going.  Good luck!!

Post # 6
Member
11102 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

WiredOwl:  

You are very welcome.  Be sure to keep us updated, please.  We love updates.

Post # 8
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

WiredOwl:  sassy411 hit the nail on the head. He has all the power, so it’s time to sit down and have a serious discussion with him about timelines and how he REALLY feels, because it’s not fair to say things like “the only reason I haven’t proposed to you yet is because I don’t know what kind of ring to get you” when clearly that’s not the issue… You’re right in saying that he’s side-stepping something – now you just need to find out what that is.

Also, now that it’s come down to it, he might decide he wants to wait a while to get married, so you need to decide how long you will or won’t wait (especially now that you’re living together). It sounds like you guys had a agreement that moving in together meant that marriage was where this was going, so he owes you a reasonable timeline, and he needs to STICK to it. 24 is still young, so it’s not like you can’t start over if he turns out to be one of those commitaphobes, but better to find out now than at 30.

Good luck, OP, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you deserve!

Post # 9
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I think guys’ timelines are also different then ours. Darling Husband and I had always talked about getting engaged at the two year mark and so when we had our two year anniversary you better believe I was expecting a ring!! He did it about 5 months later, about 8 mos after the first time we looked at rings. he needed to process it I think – it’s one thing to talk about getting married but when you are actually thinking about proposing I’m sure it is a little scary. 

So maybe for your SO getting engaged after a year of living together is more what he had in mind where you thought it’d be, like, right after you guys moved in. 

Post # 11
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

WiredOwl:  It happens… alot of us have been there. I almost left my Fiance because I was so tired of waiting. I felt like he was either ALL in, or just plain out.

He literally proposed when I was going to break up with him.

Don’t throw down an ultimatum, but I agree with the above comments about discussing “timelines” and making sure you guys are on the same page. Goodluck! xo

Post # 12
Member
811 posts
Busy bee

He totally has all of the power. You need to sit down again with him and discuss openly and without “code words” exactly what you are looking for and how you feel. Then ask him exactly how he feels. If you’re not on the same page, figure out what compromises you need to make.

Be aware it may get to the point where you decide to move out for a while to let him figure out what he wants, and same with you. A lot of bees have done it, and it seems to give them the clarity they need. Best of luck xo

Post # 13
Member
776 posts
Busy bee

Don’t feel guilty – you have every right to feel this way. It makes me so frustrated when people comment and say “if you’re in a good relationship just be happy, marriage isn’t that big of a deal, he’ll propose when he’s ready”. Ummm, this is 2015 and personally, I want to be in a relationship where my spouse and I make decisions together. That includes the decision to be married. The frustrating part about it is not that marriage is the ultimate object, or that you can’t be fulfilled without marriage, it’s that you clearly outlined your needs and expectations for the relationship, and he agreed, but is now reneging. That’s not okay – and it’s not fair for him to do this.

I agree with other PPs who said to have a sit down discussion with him about the timelines and what he’s thinking, and ensure that he agrees to a timeline so that you’re not left waiting and wondering. I would suggest writing down a list of your points and objectives so that none of them get forgotten, but also that you leave any resentment and anger at the door during the conversation and don’t bring that into it, because it won’t help the discussion be productive. Good luck!

Post # 14
Bee
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: Backyard Forest

WiredOwl:  I totally get this impatient waiting period after moving in together. I know it seems like you’ve been together forever and been living together for a reasonable amount of time, but in his mind he probably has a set timeframe. If you know in your heart that it’s coming, all you can really do is relax and wait. It will come! 

A timeline conversation is a good idea… something I wish I had done with my Fiance earlier on. We had a ring talk and I thought we were going to get engaged fairly quickly after that. I thought asking what I wanted in a ring meant, “Okay buying now!” but I was too nervous to have a timeline discussion to spoil the surprise element… and ended up waiting another year! I was on edge for a year analyzing every special occassion because I don’t handle surprises well. If you are having a really hard time with waiting already, it might be a good idea to just discuss a timeframe. Just say you’ll feel better knowing if you’ll be engaged in a year or six months. If he’s planning to propose, a conversation like this is perfectly reasonable to have. 

Post # 15
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Simsbury 1820 House

Previous posters have some really good advice. It may also be a bit of a focus on THE RING. Less of the marriage, but that the ring is what you want? A good discussion is definitely needed.

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