(Closed) Feeling things I never expected to feel (long…sorry)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@ALAin2014:  I am only 23, but I totally understand what you’re saying. And personally, having a huge party and spending a ton of money is not how I envision my wedding. I would talk to your Fiance about what exactly he expects, and perhaps you can compromise. You do NOT have to upgrade, you DO NOT have to spend thousands on ONE dress, your wedding can be however you want it to be, despite everyone in your life probably telling you THIS is how it’s done or THAT JUST WON’T do, etc, etc. When you find that one person you want to be with, it truly IS magical, and having a wedding is not required to be married. A lot of it is family pressure. I know that if I eloped, my family would be very disappointed. My parents had a “big”- relatively speaking- ceremony and reception– they loved it, it was formal, it was swanky, but it’s just not me. So I hope (especially beacuse they will help pay for it) to meet me in the middle for something small, casual, and intimate. And to hell with whatever my grandparents/aunts/uncles/friends think about it!

Post # 4
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Maybe you should skip the whole traditional wedding and have a destination wedding. It sounds like it would solve a lot of the stress problems. It sounds as though you care more about a marriage then a wedding, huh imagine that! Nothing says you have to do this a certain way, do what’s best for you and don’t worry about everyone else. Marry the man and enjoy your life, getting married is about marriage and saying your vows to each other everything else is optional.

Post # 5
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@ALAin2014:  I understand!  FI and I just got engaged in December and I’m stressed too.  I just turned 29… but I thought I’d be so happy with wedding planning, the wedding party… etc. What it comes down to is I just want to be married to the man I love.  I totally understand where you’re coming from with the rings.  No offense to those who want upgrades later… but I LOVE my ring.  It’s not the biggest, definitely what Fiance could afford, but I LOVE IT so much.  I look at it and smile knowing that he got it for me because he wants me to be his wife.  

We seriously looked into a destination wedding with just us two and close family but it’s just not feasible.  if you two can do you.  You should!  πŸ™‚  For me it just has more meaning… I’m having a falling out right now with my Maid/Matron of Honor and I really wish we just didn’t have any bridal party…. Do what you guys want to do.  πŸ™‚  

Post # 6
1663 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Just ignore the jeweler.  People are ridiculous.  Yell

As far as everything else, it’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed!  Take some time to process this big news before you try to find a dress/plan a wedding/etc.  During that time, think about (but don’t stress about) what is that you and your SO want.  Is it a celebration with your friends and family?  Is it something private with just you?  Is it a smaller, intimate affair?

I would also highly, highly recommend A Practical Wedding by Meg Keene.  (There’s also a blog by the same name.)  I just read it, and it’s such a refreshing take on weddings in general and really helped me to dial back feeling that I HAD to do x, y, z (including spend $1 million that I don’t have on this one day).  The book also has great perspective on being realistic and not getting too wrapped up in silly things or overwhelmed…. but also acknowledging that weddings are a place for pretty things, and that’s fun!! 

Good luck!  (and go get that book!)

Post # 7
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

The jeweler’s question was rude!

Have you guys thought about eloping and having a reception/party in the country where your FI’s family lives? Or like a previous posted said, a destination wedding….maybe you could combine that with the honeymoon?

I get the impression from your post that you may not necessarily want a big wedding. Don’t feel like you need to plan one, if it’s not your thing. Do what feels right to you and your future husband!

Post # 8
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Your wedding can be anything that you want it to be.  What about not having a wedding party, but asking the people closest to you to stand up and do some readings or participate in the ceremony some other way? They can still be involved and invite them to go dress shoping with you-they are the people closest to you after all.  Fiance and I are walking each other down the aisle and skipping a whole lot of other traditional things, but still having a big wedding. I would have a long talk with your fiance before you make any plans or disuss details with anyone so you won’t say something you later regret. 

And, Congratulations!Smile

ETA: I mean saying things, like inviting women to be your bridesmaids that you might later regret until you’ve had time to think about it and make your decision.

Post # 10
3697 posts
Sugar bee

Oh, honey. It’s going to be okay. You have the right perspective: you’re marrying the person you love. The jeweler (et al.) is in business to make money off weddings. That’s where that comment came from (and who knows how many others, from how many other vendors, you might run across). You don’t need to live up to their expectations – because as soon as you do, they will escalate them a little bit further, to bump up their profit margins. You don’t have to play that game.

Keep reminding yourself of a couple of key things: 1) Less is more. Oh, so much more.

2) The day you get married (whether you elope or have a wedding) doesn’t need to be “perfect” (because it almost certainly won’t be – we’re human, after all) and it really shouldn’t be “the best/greatest/most important day of your life.” Because, seriously, do you really want your marriage to peak on Day One? Remember that this is not so much a culmination as it is just the beginning of the rest of your lives, together. And it’s okay to start small. It’s okay to not fit the mold. And it’s for sure okay to not pay through the nose for things that are fundamentally unimportant.

I wish you a long, happy, joyous and blessed marriage!

Post # 11
33 posts
  • Wedding: August 2011

I can totally relate to your post. Right after we got engaged, I was SO excited to be marrying my now-husband, but also completely overwhelmed at the idea of planning a wedding. It didn’t help that I’d read over and over and heard from so many friends that “this is such a special time!” “this is the best time of your life!” “I loved wedding planning!” “your wedding day is THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE SO IT HAS TO BE PERFECT!”. So, not only was I not excited about planning a wedding, but I also felt like there was something totally wrong with me for feeling that way. 

One thing that helped was reading A Practical Wedding (already mentioned up-thread –blog is here). It’s an amazing resource. Lots of smart, funny, interesting, and insightful women talking about wedding planning, how to have the wedding day YOU want (not that “people” think you should have), what it means to get married, etc. I bet if you spend some time reading through the archives, you’ll feel a lot better. There are a lot of people (including me!) who felt just like you when we first got engaged.

Also – the jewler was just trying to shame you into spending more money. We had people say the same thing to us when we bought me (gasp!) a totally plain wedding band with no jewels, diamonds, etc. on it whatsoever. We just laughed and bought the ring from a different jewler who didn’t try to pressure us into buying something that we clearly didn’t want.


Post # 12
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@KCKnd2:  I love this.. “it really shouldn’t be “the best/greatest/most important day of your life.” Because, seriously, do you really want your marriage to peak on Day One? Remember that this is not so much a culmination as it is just the beginning of the rest of your lives, together.”

I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone say that your wedding SHOULD NOT be the best, greatest, most important day of your life..but you are absolutely 100% right.

It is so incredibly hard not to get caught up in everything and think that there’s all of these necessities that a wedding must have. If I could somehow truly remember this every day throughout this insane wedding planning, my wedding would look much different. Unfortunately, I am apparently not very strong willed.

Your wedding should make YOU and the one you love happy. It is a day that you are both going to remember for the rest of your life, whether it cost close to nothing or cost thousands. I think you should talk to your Fiance about how you are feeling and tell him you don’t need any of this. I think a lot of times guys feel like every girl wants a big extravagant wedding whether she admits to it or not. Good luck!! πŸ™‚

Post # 14
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011


Take a deep breath. I know what you are going through is real and feel terrible, but it is also completely normal.

I got engaged in December and truthfully it’s been a really rough time for me emotionally. The same things happened to me.  The first time someone asked me something with the phrase “your wedding”, I just looked at her and thought, “who is she talking about?”  Then, it hit me, OMG, I am going to have a wedding, I am getting MARRIED….hyperventilating.  lol

This is a HUGE life transition, especially at our age (we are about the same age!). The period of being engaged is really a time of big changes in your life, where you shed your ‘singleness’ to become part of a couple, without losing yourself in the process. 

I’m glad we have this forum to discuss this because, as brides to be we all expected to be focused on dresses, cakes, rings, veils, etc, but at the core of all this,  is the fact that you are joining your life with someone elses.  You are reacting this way because you are trying to absorb and integrate the implications of this change.  Whether they are good or bad, changes are turbulent.  It’s normal.

Lately, when I start to get stressed out, I think “The only thing you need to get married is a bride, a groom and an officiant.  The rest is just icing and if I can’t have all the frou-frou stuff, I know I can still get married.

Post # 15
3697 posts
Sugar bee

@ALAin2014:  Congrats! Glad it’s going better. And, for what it’s worth, we skipped the engagement photos in favor of candids, too. My sister snapped a picture of us this past Christmas (before we got engaged) that I think might be the happiest I’ve ever looked in a photo, and we’re totally using that one as our “engagement photo.”

Less is so much more sometimes!

Post # 16
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ALAin2014:   WELCOME to the confusion known as engagement.  πŸ˜‰

Dear lord, where to start…

“…my friend says to tell them and invite them because they will give us money, and if you’re lucky, you’ll end up making back a good return on your wedding with all of the gifts.”  God, I hope she was joking.

“Doesn’t every girl grow up dreaming of her dream wedding, her dream dress, etc?”  NO, I am living proof.  And I bought my dress online for $20. 

“It makes me sad when I read ring threads about women who claim to love their FIs but are disappointed in the ring that they were given. ”  From your lips to the ears of the well intending fiance’s that were apparently too broke to appease thier greedy little minxes.

Honey,  there is nothing wrong with you.  In fact, we Bees need more peeps like you to balance out the estrogen laden catfights and ‘please judge my ring’ threads. Unless you guys are pushing for children, I would say that a lot of this (the stress/apprehension over all thing BRIDAL) goes away after about 6 months so have a longer engagement if you can swing it.  Also, stay away from bridal magazines.  They’re Satan to girls like us and wreak havoc on the nerves.

Feel free to PM anytime!! 

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