Feeling Torn and Scared of Wrong Decision

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
791 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think missing your ex is completely normal, I don’t think it means a relationship would work out.  He’s already bagged out on you before so if you do decide to renew anything you must take it slow slow slow.  No more intimacy, that just messes women up.

With the long distance guy you’re very right to be wary.  Y’all haven’t known each other long but he already loves you?  I’m concerned about that. I think you should take at least a few months to consider yourself single for a while to remember who you are and what you’re looking for.  Best wishes!!

Post # 3
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Only you know your ex.  Do you think he’s addressed those issues in therapy?  Do you trust him?  Is he the type to play you?


My now husband broke up with me right before we were going to get engaged/married because he “couldn’t picture himself married.”  He had loads of committment issues and communication issues to work through.  He ended up wanting me back but I told him he had to go to counseling to work on things.  He did, and he REALLY worked hard on himself personally without counseling.  We got back together and got married.  It has worked out great!  We’ve been married over 2 years now and it just keeps getting better all the time.  So I’m team second chances, but only if otherwise he’s a good, trustworthy guy who wants to improve.

Post # 4
12635 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Long distance thing doesn’t sound too practical or realistic in the long term and I’m worried that he’s jumped to declarations of love after such a short amount of time spent together. I’m usually not much for second chances, but I’d be nclined to see where things can go with the ex. I think your feelings of ambivalence are totally normal considering what happened. I’d take it slow and one step at a time. 

Post # 5
2124 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

vmc19 :  I think you’re focusing on the wrong things here. Your choice in partner doesn’t have to be out of 2 men. One you have history with and you say yourself it seems you don’t have the same feelings anymore. The other one just isn’t likely to work out. You haven’t known each other that long, and have only spent two weeks together and he loves you? That’s concerning. Also, if there’s no way the distance will be closed, as in one of you moving, there’s no point in continuing, because you’ll only be wasting time. As for the age difference, 10 years would be too much for me; I always capped the difference at 5 years either way, but I’m glad I found someone only 2 years older than me. I do know that others don’t have that issue, and even several on the bee have large age gap relationships that work. So that’s a personal question for you and with what you feel comfortable. 

Honestly, I’d step back from both of these men and venture out. You have options!

Post # 6
504 posts
Busy bee

knotyet :  Came to say this. This is not a binary choice. Neither of these guys sounds right for you. Throw them both back in the pond and fish somewhere else!

Post # 7
3777 posts
Honey bee

Ditto. I would move on from both.

Post # 8
1484 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I think you either need to find a meaningful way to close the gap with your new guy or end things. Long distance isn’t sustainable forever, and to know if there’s a real chance at a relationship, you need to have a serious discussion about whether this is even possible. 

With your ex… therapy is great, and I’m glad he’s going, but there may be too much water under the bridge there. If things don’t work out with your new guy, I’d play it very safe on considering a do-over with your ex. Perhaps a couples’ session or a visit to his therapist with him would be beneficial if it’s something you want to seriously explore. 

Post # 9
1784 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I especially don’t like that your ex seems to be pushing for intimacy before you’ve even decided that you want to get back with him.  That kiss should not happen again until you’ve decided you’re all in.  Otherwise I view that as manipulation.

Post # 10
77 posts
Worker bee

At the risk of sounding crass, would you put your dirty underwear back on after you shower? Probably not. Think of your ex as those undies. Dont do it. Don’t go back to him. You left him for a reason. Don’t discount the shitty experiences you had within that relationship, and the fact that y’all brought out the worst in each other. 

You have extensive history with your ex and of course you’re going to still have love for him and question the “what if’s”. However, you left that relationship for a reason, and just because he’s been in therapy over the summer doesn’t necessarily deem him okay. Not enough time has passed for you to with 100% certainty say that change has occurred. As for the new guy? He seems like a nice choice because you know that he adores and loves you. That security is okay but in the end you’re choosing him because you know where you stand (and it seems like his feelings aren’t reciprocated on your end). Not enough time  with LD guy has passed for this level of love and devotion to be present within your relationship.  


Do yourself a favor and cut both loose. Neither of them sound like good partners in the long term. 

Post # 11
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Listen, Bee, the long-distance relationship is a non-starter. Unless you two have tons of expendable cash for airline tickets all the time and the TIME to take long trips to see each other–or unless one of you moves to live closer in the very near future, this is a pipe dream. It was a fun little fling and it’s shown you that there are other men out there for whom you can have feelings, but that’s about it. 

Why is your ex suddenly so much more open to therapy when he was against it previously? Did he suddenly become open when you broke up? Was his decision reactive? Sounds like it. Right now, this past relationship is keeping you from moving on, so unless you AND he really want to give it your all this go-around, it’s not a good idea to continue to entertain it. 

Post # 12
152 posts
Blushing bee

I would tell both of them that you are getting to know the “NEW YOU.”. Why not date both of them and possibly be open to others? I would tell both of them that you are open to dating but you aren’t ready to commit to either one of them. See what their reaction is. See if one really steps up and shows you he really cares. I would back up on the physical part of the relationship tooand just enjoy dating, going to movies, having fun, etc. Words are cheap. Your ex really needs to prove himself to you before you start a relationship again. The new guy is just that “new”. He may ultimately be a great guy for you but it would take months to really know. Just enjoy the journey and don’t overthink this.

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