Post # 1
My ex of 2+ years and I broke up last May due to some commitment issues. We both had pretty difficult childhoods, but I’ve been in counseling off and on for the last 10 years so I recognized where some of his “stuff” was coming from. I still had some of my own stuff, too. In the end, he said at the time that he didn’t think he needed therapy and that made breaking up pretty final for me. When we broke up all I could think was OMG if we could just work on these things this relationship would be perfect! It just felt like the fear of committing and the fear of the future (fearing lack of control and just not knowing for 100% certain what life would be like) was too much for both of us because things we’ve been through- and on his end, things that he hadn’t addressed yet.
Fast forward, I went on a trip abroad with a friend in September and met someone our second to last day there. It was wonderful. We’ve kept in touch and he came to visit me for 2 weeks here. Also wonderful, warm and fuzzies. 🙂 I know he loves me and we have strong feelings, but he’s also 10 years younger than me and a very long, expensive flight away. It’s just hard for me to think about that being long-term because of all the logistics involved of trying to find out what normal life is like together.
My ex popped back up RIGHT before this guy got here to visit. He’s been in therapy consistently since summer. We were able to talk about a lot after my new friend left. It was like someone popped a giant balloon in the room. We went out, he kissed me. It didn’t feel like I have the same feelings anymore, but I’m having trouble discerning if that’s more from fear and kind of feeling like I’m cheating or if it’s just so over. The thing is I still think about my ex often, I was thrilled to spend time with him again, I want to know how he is, I want to do things with him. I love him for sure. It’s just hard to tell what’s what with having this other person who I know loves me and I have no negative feelings with (but also no “real life” experience with. They do both know about each other because I suck at lying. I’m just terrified of getting back on a merry-go-round.
I feel like a mess of emotions and logic right now…
Post # 2
I think missing your ex is completely normal, I don’t think it means a relationship would work out. He’s already bagged out on you before so if you do decide to renew anything you must take it slow slow slow. No more intimacy, that just messes women up.
With the long distance guy you’re very right to be wary. Y’all haven’t known each other long but he already loves you? I’m concerned about that. I think you should take at least a few months to consider yourself single for a while to remember who you are and what you’re looking for. Best wishes!!
Post # 3
Only you know your ex. Do you think he’s addressed those issues in therapy? Do you trust him? Is he the type to play you?
My now husband broke up with me right before we were going to get engaged/married because he “couldn’t picture himself married.” He had loads of committment issues and communication issues to work through. He ended up wanting me back but I told him he had to go to counseling to work on things. He did, and he REALLY worked hard on himself personally without counseling. We got back together and got married. It has worked out great! We’ve been married over 2 years now and it just keeps getting better all the time. So I’m team second chances, but only if otherwise he’s a good, trustworthy guy who wants to improve.
Post # 4
Long distance thing doesn’t sound too practical or realistic in the long term and I’m worried that he’s jumped to declarations of love after such a short amount of time spent together. I’m usually not much for second chances, but I’d be nclined to see where things can go with the ex. I think your feelings of ambivalence are totally normal considering what happened. I’d take it slow and one step at a time.
Post # 5
vmc19 : I think you’re focusing on the wrong things here. Your choice in partner doesn’t have to be out of 2 men. One you have history with and you say yourself it seems you don’t have the same feelings anymore. The other one just isn’t likely to work out. You haven’t known each other that long, and have only spent two weeks together and he loves you? That’s concerning. Also, if there’s no way the distance will be closed, as in one of you moving, there’s no point in continuing, because you’ll only be wasting time. As for the age difference, 10 years would be too much for me; I always capped the difference at 5 years either way, but I’m glad I found someone only 2 years older than me. I do know that others don’t have that issue, and even several on the bee have large age gap relationships that work. So that’s a personal question for you and with what you feel comfortable.
Honestly, I’d step back from both of these men and venture out. You have options!
Post # 6
knotyet : Came to say this. This is not a binary choice. Neither of these guys sounds right for you. Throw them both back in the pond and fish somewhere else!
Post # 7
Ditto. I would move on from both.
Post # 8
I think you either need to find a meaningful way to close the gap with your new guy or end things. Long distance isn’t sustainable forever, and to know if there’s a real chance at a relationship, you need to have a serious discussion about whether this is even possible.
With your ex… therapy is great, and I’m glad he’s going, but there may be too much water under the bridge there. If things don’t work out with your new guy, I’d play it very safe on considering a do-over with your ex. Perhaps a couples’ session or a visit to his therapist with him would be beneficial if it’s something you want to seriously explore.
Post # 9
I especially don’t like that your ex seems to be pushing for intimacy before you’ve even decided that you want to get back with him. That kiss should not happen again until you’ve decided you’re all in. Otherwise I view that as manipulation.
Post # 10
At the risk of sounding crass, would you put your dirty underwear back on after you shower? Probably not. Think of your ex as those undies. Dont do it. Don’t go back to him. You left him for a reason. Don’t discount the shitty experiences you had within that relationship, and the fact that y’all brought out the worst in each other.
You have extensive history with your ex and of course you’re going to still have love for him and question the “what if’s”. However, you left that relationship for a reason, and just because he’s been in therapy over the summer doesn’t necessarily deem him okay. Not enough time has passed for you to with 100% certainty say that change has occurred. As for the new guy? He seems like a nice choice because you know that he adores and loves you. That security is okay but in the end you’re choosing him because you know where you stand (and it seems like his feelings aren’t reciprocated on your end). Not enough time with LD guy has passed for this level of love and devotion to be present within your relationship.
Do yourself a favor and cut both loose. Neither of them sound like good partners in the long term.
Post # 11
Listen, Bee, the long-distance relationship is a non-starter. Unless you two have tons of expendable cash for airline tickets all the time and the TIME to take long trips to see each other–or unless one of you moves to live closer in the very near future, this is a pipe dream. It was a fun little fling and it’s shown you that there are other men out there for whom you can have feelings, but that’s about it.
Why is your ex suddenly so much more open to therapy when he was against it previously? Did he suddenly become open when you broke up? Was his decision reactive? Sounds like it. Right now, this past relationship is keeping you from moving on, so unless you AND he really want to give it your all this go-around, it’s not a good idea to continue to entertain it.
Post # 12
I would tell both of them that you are getting to know the “NEW YOU.”. Why not date both of them and possibly be open to others? I would tell both of them that you are open to dating but you aren’t ready to commit to either one of them. See what their reaction is. See if one really steps up and shows you he really cares. I would back up on the physical part of the relationship tooand just enjoy dating, going to movies, having fun, etc. Words are cheap. Your ex really needs to prove himself to you before you start a relationship again. The new guy is just that “new”. He may ultimately be a great guy for you but it would take months to really know. Just enjoy the journey and don’t overthink this.