Feeling trapped

posted 6 months ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

I get how you feel. I’ve always wanted to move too, somewhere closer to water. I live in the prairies. I’ve stayed here for my husband, he’s been building a new career since we met. Moving is a huge decision. He understands my sacrifice though, so now after 7 years of staying here for him he’s grateful and is working hard to coordinate a move with his company. Marriage is a partnership, sometimes we give sometimes we take.. but it’s best when we act in unison. Maybe your husband will never move. I once dated someone who was tied at the hip to his family, working with them, doing Sunday dinners, he spent more time with them than me.. I left him. How important is it for you to move? How important is life with your husband? Also, yes try to travel more! Lastly, once in a while let your husband know what you want.. hopefully he’ll work towards your goals as well. If he never does then maybe your relationship isn’t a partnership.

Post # 17
Member
6366 posts
Bee Keeper

bearinabeecostume :   I’m guessing you married him knowing he never planned to move far from home. Pressuring him now is unfair. He’s right: you shouldn’t have gotten married.

Yep yep. 

Post # 18
Member
364 posts
Helper bee

It’s interesting. I had this same desire in my 20s as well. My boyfriend at the time had no intention of leaving our small town and I just knew I would be resentful if I stayed. We ended up breaking up and I moved away. I just couldn’t do that to him (or myself) even though he wanted to get married. It didn’t seem fair. 

My story probably isn’t helping. But all of that to say, it is probably something you should have thought of before marriage. You may need to find other ways to satisfy that need now that you are married.

Post # 19
Member
2823 posts
Sugar bee

This is one of the most important things to discuss before getting married, along with whether or not you want to have kids. So I don’t really blame him for feeling a bit blindsided.

And honestly, I’ve felt this many times in my life and it’s usually been about being unhappy with my life not with the city I’m in. It’s usually been because I’m either done with the relationship I’m in or I need to make a career/education move. 

I would take a big trip to break yourself out of your routine and get some perspective. It should help you take a look at your life, career, and relationship and think about what’s really missing for you.

Post # 20
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

forestfaerie :  Definitely Travel. I have the desire to live in a place i didnt grow up my whole life in. Im maing sure now with my SO that were on the same page, and he definitely is on board. 

Since youa re already married to him, id suggest travaling wiht him or fam or friends a few times out of the year. Youll get home sick after a couple weeks and be good wiht where you live. Maybe your husband may come around to the idea of moving a few hours this way or that way to a more scenic area or lively community etc…

Post # 21
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

Oh man…the quater life crisis… yep…been there! I don’t have any real advice but I want you to know that you are not alone. This is a feeling a lot of humans go through….I totally did and ended up in another state and I love it here. I still have the itch to move around but now I have a child and her personality seem to be one of more stability….so staying put for now.

I truly hope you are able to find a balance that works for you <3 

Post # 22
Member
2509 posts
Sugar bee

I lived for a year in NZ when I was 20. When I was 26 I left my home state and moved cross country to San Diego. A year later I loved cross country again to Seattle. Then I moved to my current city a couple years after that. I’m now 34 and an ENTIRELY different person from the person who moved away from my home state.

The time spent in NZ started the change, and the later moves helped further the changes, and cement them. I am a far better person now.

Travel, for the right person, in the right mindset, CAN be a catalyst for personal evolution. I think it would have taken me much longer to get where I am now had I stayed back home, IF I ever even got close to where I am now. 

Pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone, exposing yourself to new cities with different economies and demographies, taking on the new jobs in the new cities, learning to navigate the regional differences in social interactions, etc – all of these are catalysts for change that you just don’t have staying in one place. 

All that to say, I completely get where you’re coming from.

HOWEVER, I didn’t geven CONSIDER getting married until I felt like all that was out of my system. Specifically because I wanted to be free to go where my whims took me. Had I married before all that, I’d likely have stayed in my home state. Because you can’t force someone else to go on the spiritual journey YOU crave.

It might be worth trying to articulate better WHY you’d like to move, and get to the root of his resistance. But at the end of the day, if he’s happy where he is, you can’t make him want to move. And it might really come down to you decision between yourself or the marriage. I’m a selfish person and knew I’d choose myself every time. That’s why I waited until I was done to get married. 

Post # 23
Member
2500 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

forestfaerie :  Do you think one thing that’s factoring into your desire to move is that you’re in HIS hometown? Do you feel that you’re having a hard time developing your nuclear family due to his familiarity with with the town/people and your relative newness? If that’s the case, I can totally see why you’d want to move somewhere else and build a life together (instead of you trying to fit in with his life/family/friends/habits). This also would explain why he’s not keen to move somewhere else; he’s comfortable where he is (wife, family, friends, etc.) and has no desire to start over in a new place. How are you fitting in? Have you made any new friends? 

My sister moved to the east coast after she got married; they moved to her husband’s hometown, where his family has lived for 40+ years. She struggled to fit in becasue it seemed like she was always the outsider and everyone else already knew each other, had years of friendships, went to high school/college together, dated/married someone’s cousin, etc. It was very, very hard on her and led to post-partum depression after her first child was born. She struggled for about 2-3 years till she finally felt comfortable there. 

Post # 24
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME

forestfaerie :  Moving can be isolating and stressful, especially if you don’t have a place you’re yearning to be.  I’ve moved a few times and the excitement wears off quickly.  You find it’s hard to make friends, nothing is familiar. Even trying to decide where to go for dinner is a chore because you have no idea what it will be like or if it’s good. 

It’s different than being on vacation, the unfamiliarity is non-stop with no reprieve except for the time it takes to get settled. Unless you meet a bunch of people that just moved like you, everyone is already set in their routines and their relationships. If you both are 100% into it and want to make it work, then it won’t.  This is one of those things you need to be on the same page on.  

Post # 28
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee

So I’m not sure what you really want to hear.. I mean yes he’s kept quiet in the past probably thinking you’ll settle down once you get married while you thought the opposite. It probably surprised him that marriage didn’t change you (duh) You say you’ve been upfront about what you wanted but did you ever ask him, firmly and repeatedly, what do you want? Do you want the same? 

In any case, it’s misaligned life goals and that could be a deal breaker for many. You’ll have to decide if that’s enough to break up and go about living your dream. You can’t make him do what you want.

And do you one day plan to settle down at one place or continue to move around once you have children? If so, this is something to make sure your partner envisage and is fully on board with as well, because honestly, most people wouldn’t want that once they have kids.

 

Post # 29
Member
6800 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

forestfaerie :  What  missyjz :  said seems to be the crux of the matter: “You say you’ve been upfront about what you wanted but did you ever ask him, firmly and repeatedly, what do you want? Do you want the same?” 

Did you actually have these conversations with him and ask the tough questions? Did he lie to you about what he wanted or did he just never really answer the question? I think you both made a mistake going into this marriage thinking the other person would change and not actually sitting down and having full-blown conversations about topics this important. 

This sounds like a fundamental incompatibility. I don’t know what we can say to help you. You two want very different things. 

Post # 30
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

Here is a little kindness from an old Bee. I totally understand how you feel – but from my older perspective, I can tell you that there are amazing things about wanderlust and amazing things about extended family, connections and staying in one place – especially as you make your way through the many varied stages of life. Here is/was my compromise – I got a job that involved lots of travel. My husband is a total homebody – doesn’t really like to travel at all. It has worked wonderfully, especially as we have raised kids. I get to satisfy my wanderlust – and actually, my homebody husband allows me to do things I probably wouldn’t be able to do if he wasn’t happy as a clam staying right at home playing with our dog, helping the kids with their homework and trying new recipes. If I want to (or have to) go to Japan – I get to go – and I know everything will run beautifully at home. My kids are old enough to travel with me. Sometimes they do – and it is awesome- and aometimes they don’t. And if they don’t, I never have two seconds of worry about whether everything is going to be okay. Unlike some posters, I think your husband may be perfect for you. As long as he won’t stand in your way while you still get to be the wonderful, exploring person you are. The only downside for me is that my husband and I don’t travel together very often – but honestly, that has allowed me adventures and independence I never could have dreamed of when I was young. I think this can all be okay. You are not trapped. You are just figuring some things out. As an old Bee, I can tell you that moments of figuring out the next phase so that both parties get their needs met is at the heart of any long  marriage – and it happens hundreds of times.  Good luck and hugs! 

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