Post # 1
Here’s my story: Got engaged in October. I’m originally from Michigan but have lived in Nevada for four years now. Groom-to-be is from the area in which we live. We decided to plan our wedding where we live, because it’s pretty expensive to fly back and forth, and with the time difference and distance it would have been just too stressful to have it back home. I desperately wanted a small wedding (40-50 guests), but he wanted a larger one (at least 100) so we compromised at 75. We started to have some issues right from the beginning: the venue we really wanted was doing some remodeling and wasn’t sure if their space would be able to accommodate us (after three months of “we should know more soon!”, it ended up not working out). We eventually settled on another venue but have had lots of issues with responsiveness from them already (we STILL don’t have our signed contract/deposit down despite several requests on our end and it’s only 10 weeks away). We’re having issues with other vendors being responsive, but the biggest issue is our families. His parents are furious that the guest list won’t accommodate everyone they want to invite and that they can’t just give us more money to make the wedding bigger. My dad is furious it’s not in Michigan because it’s expensive for him/that side of my family to come out here and many of them aren’t able to make it for that reason. My mom has been off-and-on pressuring us about a bunch of little things throughout the process.
I hate my wedding. It’s been nothing but a huge stressor for me over the past several months and I’m anywhere from meh to actively unhappy with virtually everything. We’re meeting with a wedding coordinator to try to take the stress of my shoulders, but I’ve got a growing feeling of dread about the day.
We wouldn’t be out much at this point in terms of deposits, but the big issue is that approximately half of the invitations have gone out (my side, mostly family and very close friends…my fiancee still hasn’t given me his final cut guest list and save the dates never technically went out to his side because of that) and I know small numbers of people on both sides have begun making travel arrangements (flights are expensive, so this is a significant investment). Also, my fiance REALLY wants this wedding and would be personally very resistant to cancelling it. I’m trying to figure out my options here and the thought of just eloping feels like the only salvageable outcome, but I know it’s an enormous breach of etiquette to cancel after invites have been issued. But I feel trapped and although I have no desire to end my relationship, breaking my engagement to get out of this is seeming like an increasingly attractive option to escape. What should I do?
Post # 2
Don’t break up with your fiance just to avoid having a wedding, and don’t feel like you have to go through with anything just because invitations went out. I think at this point the best thing to do is talk to your fiance/a friend/a therapist to get some support. Eloping does sound nice, but it would cause a lot of hurt feelings– do you think you can handle all of that drama? If so, go for it and tell your guests that you’re cancelling the wedding. If not, have the wedding anyways and focus on the positives– it’s just one day, and it’ll all be over soon enough, and in the end you’ll be married no matter what happens.
Post # 3
I think you need to do what you feel is right.
You would love to elope, but your fiance wants the big wedding. Even taking the hurt feelings of family members out of the equation – would you feel better eloping and knowing that it’s not what your family wants, or would you feel better having the big wedding even though it’s not what you want?
One thing to consider here is, if you don’t want this big wedding at all, then why be so stressed out about it? I understand that having it all on your shoulders is incredibly stressful and difficult, but you are getting a wedding coordinator. Make them understand that you don’t even want this big wedding, and see what they can do to take the stress and responsibility off of you. I’m sure, if they’re a good coordinator, they will do everything they can to take the stress off of you.
The stress of dealing with the separate families… That’s a more difficult problem to take care of. You simply can’t please everyone. If you elope, sure, you won’t have to plan this huge wedding, but you’ll still have to deal with your families. I honestly think at this point that the least stressful thing you can do is let it go, let the wedding coordinator take over, and think not of the wedding but of the main goal – being married!
Post # 5
i have no answers, because i am in a very similar boat. i just wanted to sympathize and tell you that i totally understand what you’re feeling & it sucks. & i feel like this is not how wedding planning is supposed to be, sure it’s stressful, but should a person feel completely stuck and trapped? i don’t think so. i hope that somehow you can figure everything out and end up with a wedding you’re happy with.
(honestly, right now, i just want to cancel my horse and pony show and take my dress, my Fiance, and whichever friends feel like coming, go to vegas and call it a wedding.)
Post # 6
People who love you would be horrified to think that you felt trapped into a wedding you do not want, and that they are contributing to your trapped feeling.
Whenever you take on a new experience that requires that you stretch and grow and learn new skills and face new experiences, then you will naturally feel trepidation. That is something you should learn to face with a smile, to enjoy the nervousness that comes with it and allow yourself to enjoy the excitement. But, sometimes you take on a project and find yourself filled with dread.
Learning to distinguish nervous excitement and trepidation, from outright dread, has been an important development in my life. Sometimes I still struggle with enjoying the excitement (back in the 50’s, being “cool” was an important character aspect, and perhaps it’s made me excessively dignified.) But learning to pull the plug on something I actively dread has greatly improved my quality of life.
There can be things that you dread so much, that dealing with them at all — even to pull the plug on them — seems like an insurmountable challenge. And then both the project, and the dread, get worse and worse. So I cannot state this strongly enough: If you are dreading this wedding, pull the plug promptly and send the cancellations. Then you can start again, make sure that you and your fiancé are really on the same page, and plan a wedding that you do not dread. Wedding planners and wedding coordinators are promoted to brides who are taking on perhaps a little more than they can chew all by themselves. But I suspect a good couples counsellor will provide a more important service. Once you really think through your agenda as individuals and as a couple, you will likely find the whole planning experience much less complicated.
Post # 7
If you’re enlisting the help of a wedding planner, take a deep breath and try to take a step back. I think calling everything off will hurt more in the long run, so try to work with your coordinator to find a solution that benefits everyone. Sit down with your Fiance and have a talk about everything, and maybe they can help a little as well. As aspasia475 suggested, maybe a couples counselor will help you work through some of those family issues.
As for the venue, I’m going through that same lack of communication with many of my vendors and it drives me bonkers. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s the lack of professionalism that accompanies the lack of responses. With you being so close to your day, I can imagine the anxiety you’re going through. Again, work with your coordinator, express your concern with the venue, and maybe they can get things moving without you getting caught in the frustration anymore.
If your families are giving you grief about the size and place of the wedding, then that should hopefully help you keep the size small (sorry if I sound like a jerk). Try too to take something negative like that and put a small positive spin on it. Take things they say at face value, because at the end of the day they’ll make an effort to be there if they care.