(Closed) Feeling Trapped And Don't Know What To Do

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What Should I Do?

    Go Through As Planned, You Can't Change Things Now That Invites Are Out

    Send Cancellation/Postponement Notices

    Elope And Send A Note To Current Invitees

  • Post # 2
    328 posts
    Helper bee

    Don’t break up with your fiance just to avoid having a wedding, and don’t feel like you have to go through with anything just because invitations went out. I think at this point the best thing to do is talk to your fiance/a friend/a therapist to get some support. Eloping does sound nice, but it would cause a lot of hurt feelings– do you think you can handle all of that drama? If so, go for it and tell your guests that you’re cancelling the wedding. If not, have the wedding anyways and focus on the positives– it’s just one day, and it’ll all be over soon enough, and in the end you’ll be married no matter what happens.

    Post # 3
    61 posts
    Worker bee

    I think you need to do what you feel is right.

    You would love to elope, but your fiance wants the big wedding. Even taking the hurt feelings of family members out of the equation – would you feel better eloping and knowing that it’s not what your family wants, or would you feel better having the big wedding even though it’s not what you want?

    One thing to consider here is, if you don’t want this big wedding at all, then why be so stressed out about it? I understand that having it all on your shoulders is incredibly stressful and difficult, but you are getting a wedding coordinator. Make them understand that you don’t even want this big wedding, and see what they can do to take the stress and responsibility off of you. I’m sure, if they’re a good coordinator, they will do everything they can to take the stress off of you.

    The stress of dealing with the separate families… That’s a more difficult problem to take care of. You simply can’t please everyone. If you elope, sure, you won’t have to plan this huge wedding, but you’ll still have to deal with your families. I honestly think at this point that the least stressful thing you can do is let it go, let the wedding coordinator take over, and think not of the wedding but of the main goal – being married!

    Post # 5
    648 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    View original reply
    ghneumann:  i have no answers, because i am in a very similar boat. i just wanted to sympathize and tell you that i totally understand what you’re feeling & it sucks. & i feel like this is not how wedding planning is supposed to be, sure it’s stressful, but should a person feel completely stuck and trapped? i don’t think so. i hope that somehow you can figure everything out and end up with a wedding you’re happy with. 

    (honestly, right now, i just want to cancel my horse and pony show and take my dress, my Fiance, and whichever friends feel like coming, go to vegas and call it a wedding.) 

    Post # 6
    1094 posts
    Bumble bee

    People who love you would be horrified to think that you felt trapped into a wedding you do not want, and that they are contributing to your trapped feeling.

    Whenever you take on a new experience that requires that you stretch and grow and learn new skills and face new experiences, then you will naturally feel trepidation. That is something you should learn to face with a smile, to enjoy the nervousness that comes with it and allow yourself to enjoy the excitement. But, sometimes you take on a project and find yourself filled with dread.

    Learning to distinguish nervous excitement and trepidation, from outright dread, has been an important development in my life. Sometimes I still struggle with enjoying the excitement (back in the 50’s, being “cool” was an important character aspect, and perhaps it’s made me excessively dignified.) But learning to pull the plug on something I actively dread has greatly improved my quality of life.

    There can be things that you dread so much, that dealing with them at all — even to pull the plug on them — seems like an insurmountable challenge. And then both the project, and the dread, get worse and worse. So I cannot state this strongly enough: If you are dreading this wedding, pull the plug promptly and send the cancellations. Then you can start again, make sure that you and your fiancé are really on the same page, and plan a wedding that you do not dread. Wedding planners and wedding coordinators are promoted to brides who are taking on perhaps a little more than they can chew all by themselves. But I suspect a good couples counsellor will provide a more important service. Once you really think through your agenda as individuals and as a couple, you will likely find the whole planning experience much less complicated.

    Post # 7
    54 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    If you’re enlisting the help of a wedding planner, take a deep breath and try to take a step back. I think calling everything off will hurt more in the long run, so try to work with your coordinator to find a solution that benefits everyone. Sit down with your Fiance and have a talk about everything, and maybe they can help a little as well. As aspasia475 suggested, maybe a couples counselor will help you work through some of those family issues. 

    As for the venue, I’m going through that same lack of communication with many of my vendors and it drives me bonkers. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s the lack of professionalism that accompanies the lack of responses. With you being so close to your day, I can imagine the anxiety you’re going through. Again, work with your coordinator, express your concern with the venue, and maybe they can get things moving without you getting caught in the frustration anymore.

    If your families are giving you grief about the size and place of the wedding, then that should hopefully help you keep the size small (sorry if I sound like a jerk). Try too to take something negative like that and put a small positive spin on it. Take things they say at face value, because at the end of the day they’ll make an effort to be there if they care.


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