Post # 1
Just wondering if any of you have every been in this situation and what you did to deal with it…I am getting married soon, and I feel like I have no life of my own. My fiance and I were long distance for a while and we struggled with where we should live after we get married. Then I lost my job. So I ended up moving to his area of the country and went back to school over there. I absolutely hate it here and I’m really home sick. I don’t have any friends in this part of the country. I also am not a big fan of where I am currently going to school (I was accepted to the top program in the nation in my field, but I decided to go to a school near my fiance because it is closer to him, and because it was cheaper).
Basically I am really unhappy, and every time I express that to my fiance, he sees it as an attack on him. Like I should be happy because I’m with him, and that’s it. I wish that were the case, but I’m not, and I definitely feel guilty about it.
My fiance says he is willing to move back to where I’m from, but I don’t have a job anymore over there, and with the economy as it is, it would be difficult for him to find a job there as well. So I am basically stuck in a place I don’t like for the indefinite future. There is no way I would be here if it was not for him, and I feel like I am becoming sort of resentful. I don’t want this to hurt our relationship. What do you think I should do?
Post # 3
I’m sorry you are in this situation! Is there any way you could volunteer somewhere? It might be a great way to make yourself feel more connected to your community and make some friends. Another fun thing can be community sports. I would also try talking to him in a way that is more focused on you. "i feel… etc" He might feel bad, like he made you leave your life and he is a little defensive! Good luck and I hope things improve!
Post # 4
I moved to Pittsburgh to be with my Fiance and I hate it here. I am homesick for NC all the time and wish every day I could be back there.
You are so lucky that your Fiance is willing to go with you back to your home. I’d start browsing for jobs and seeing if you can get phone interviews and go back if you get an interview. That way you have that light at the end of the tunnel. Also, as far as your Fiance is concerned, maybe you could present your feelings not as "I am miserable here" but instead as "I am incredibly homesick." That way it sounds less like you’re unhappy because you’re there with him, and more like you just miss your home.
Post # 5
That’s very hard, and I’ve definitely had twinges of similar feelings. It sounds like you and your Fiance need to talk about this in a way that doesn’t feel accusatory to him. B/c what you’re feeling is real and does sound like something that could negatively impact your relationship. I don’t know the best route to do that b/c I don’t know exactly what you’ve tried so far…but there’s also the question of what to discuss when you are able to talk constructively aboutthis.
I may be misreading, but it seems practically speaking it doesn’t make much sense for you to move or change programs. You Fiance has a job, and you are in school. It sounds like you might not have chosen the other program even if your Fiance was over there b/c of cost? Or am I getting this wrong? If from a practical stand point it doesn’t make sense to change things, than maybe your conversation can focus on making a plan so that once you finish school you decide to move somewhere else that you both agree on. I think this might help free you up to enjoy where you are now a bit better. If you know it’s not forever, you can seek out the good things a place has to offer. But that can be pretty hard if you feel like you’re trapped for the rest of your life in a place you hate. I think it can help to look at it like even if you weren’t with him you’d have trouble changing things right now. And you did willingly make the decision to move closer to him. Maybe it’s not as great as you thought it would be…it’s okay to change your mind. But you still have to deal with the consequences of your decision…which may be to spend a few years where you are but knowing for sure it’s not forever.
If changing schools or finding another job somewhere else at the moment is feasible, then I think you need to have an open and frank discussion about that. That doesn’t have to mean you do it tomorrow, but maybe it means you feel the freedom to look at other opportunities knowing that he will do what it takes to make your relationship work and that you are happy (and you really can’t have the first without the second). couples can do all kinds of things to make a relationship work, and in the end you have to find what’s best for you.
My situation isn’t so different. I first moved to where my Fiance was while finishing up my PhD (as a visiting scholar at ihs institution). Then he finished his PhD before mine and got a great job. I ended up taking a job I wasn’t crazy about near him. I started to get into the cycle of blaming him for my situation, but I had to remind myself that he never forced me to do any of it. He told me his preference, of course, but he also told me he’d do what it took for us to work. I’m the one who chose being near him. So after 6 mos of being frustrated, I decided to look for other opportunities. Turns out I got a great (temporary, 1 year) one across the country…and as I eased up on my dislike of my situation, it actually started to improve. So now I’m traipsing off to thousands of miles a way less than 1 month after our wedding (b/c it would be really silly for us financially for him to quit his job). But I’m so much happier b/c I’m excited about something other than just being married to him. And as a result our relationship is stronger too. My point is that you don’t have to be trapped, but nothing is perfect and you’ll have to figure out what balance will work for you. So allow yourself to consider all options, regardless of what’s "normal" or what other people say. And allow yourself to experiment and change your mind. Just b/c you agreed to move to his home town doesn’t mean you don’t get to reconsider after experiencing the reality of that.
good luck with it all!
Post # 6
*hugs* Sending hive hugs your way!
I can sort of relate to your situation, though it’s probably not as drastic. My Fiance moved out to the west coast for work and shortly before we got engaged, I moved out there to be with him. I felt it was probably the best move — we hated being apart and since it seemed we were going to sette there anyway, I figured it as good a time as any to move there too. I also though my job prospects might be better than on the west coast than my home state, which for the most part has been the poster child for economic suckitude.
Alas, it’s felt even harder to find a job here than ever — at least back at home I had friends, connections, and an established network. I feel badly because I feel like I’m not contributing equally to our relationship and part of me feels like I may have sacrificed some good opportunities for myself by being out here. And yeah, it gets lonely and it’s so hard to meet people, especially with my introverted personality. Sometimes I feel like I’m ahead of the pack because I’m in a loving, committed relationship and will be married in a few months, but at the same time I feel so far behind without a steady job, a new group of friends or something other than the home I share with my Fiance to call my own! It’s a little easier for me though since the city I live in now is for the most part, an awesome place to live, and as a homebody I can be alone without feeling too down. But I’ve made it a point to try to be positive and to force myself to get out there as much as I can. My work allows me to freelance so at least I’m not totally a bum around here 😉 and I’ve taken up volunteering at my local library. It’s not hard work at all, is a creative outlet and helps me feel like I’m integrating myself more into the community. And I think I’m going to use meetup.com to attend some networking groups and meet other likeminded people in the city. This kind of stuff seriously goes against my nature but I think it’ll go a long way in helping me feel more established here and gain a little of my own identity (not just here as the fiance who moved across the country to be with her man).
I think it’s probably a hard conversation to have with your Fiance without either of you getting defensive but I do believe it’s important to keep the channels of communication honest and open. Better than letting your feelings stew inside you without his understanding why you feel the way you feel. While I think you’ve sort of established that moving the both of you back home isn’t the most practical idea at this time, as long as you’re both open to the prospects after you graduate and say, maybe in a few years, you could always keep that door open and discuss the possibilities…perhaps that will help you feel less trapped and more like there’s an open door further down the road (hopefully the market will start to bounce back by then too!). And I think it’ll probably be helpful to your state of mind if you put in some time taking care of your needs outside of just school and being with your Fiance. If you can try to take on some activities that will help you interact with people and possibly make some new local friends, that would make the area you’re living in a little more attractive and bearable than it is now. I really hope this all works out for you!!
Post # 7
I’d suggest talking alone and also with Fiance with a counselor on this issue.
It can be overcome though. I have a question..does that #1 school have an online program you could attend to work on completing your degree there? Just a thought..
I remember when I moved to ATL. ALL my friends and family were back home..six hours away. I felt overwhelmed, had to make new friends, and even started my life over again one year after moving here..but it soon became home..and yes, I felt trapped…
Feelings change in time. Meanwhile see if there’s a way to take care of that degree..I am crossing my fingers there’s an online program in your field at that college!
Post # 8
Thank you all for the great advice! I think next semester I will try to get out and do more things. I had the strangest hours this last semester, so it was really hard to join any organizations because the meetings were always during my class times. But next semester, my hours should be a lot better. I think it will also be better because I can start looking for jobs more actively because I will only be a semester away from graduating.
FizicsGirl, it’s great to hear that going somewhere else for a while would work. I have the opportunity to do an internship back home for the summer. My fiance is bummed that I’ll be gone right after the wedding, but honestly, I think I need to get out of here just for my sanity! Otherwise, I would just spend the summer home alone, because my program does not have a summer session.
Bellenga, the #1 program actually does have an online program, but you can only do the online program part time, and I need to go full time, or else this degree will take me forever.
I think part of what frustrates me so much is that I know if I get a job back home we can move, but I have been unsuccessful in securing employment so far. So my fear is not only that I will be stuck here forever, but that I will be stuck here unemployed forever!
Post # 9
Well it sounds like there’s a possibility that your internship could turn into a job offer so that’s great news! And being back tehre will also give you the opportunity to network locally which I’m sure will make finding a job easier.
I think knowing that it’s not forever is the biggest factor. As I said, feeling less trapped allowed me to be moe relaxed and open to my current job and it’s gotten a lot better. Now I’m considering coming back after my year away, and they’ll most likely offer me a title bump and pay raise if I do!
Post # 10
Ok…this sounds so surface but could you do the majority of the college work at that school and finish online from the #1 school? As silly as that might sound, you’d still be accomplishing in the end what you want to do.
for me, that little piece of paper REALLY MATTERED!!! And I know it does to you too.
Check with your college…see if there’s a fun book club or something..like a group of girls who meet for coffee and read books? I did that in my new subdivision when I moved here. I met lots of women. They were super nice. We all got to be friends and it was cheap…just cost of coffee at local coffeehouse and of a paperback.