(Closed) Feeling un-important (and Im the BRIDE)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I totally understand how you feel. That is actually the reason I finally joined WB, I had gone to an extended family gathering with my new fiance and engagement ring and only 1 or 2 people even said congratulations and only one person asked to see the ring. I know there are a lot of issues and reasons why this happened, for example, I have three older single female cousins who sort of ‘run the show’ with my family events, so I know people probably didn’t want them to feel bad by making a big deal out of my engagement. Also, it was kind of a passive aggressive way of the overwhelming female population of my family to let me know my wedding wasn’t a big deal. I returned home sad not only for myself but for my excited beaming fiance who kept nudging me asking if anyone looked at the ring. I actually lied about it to save his feelings and I felt so bad I needed support.

Anyway, it’s true though no one will care about your wedding as much as you, or even as much as you want them to. Throughout my planning, I had two people in my life who regularly asked for updates, but other than that nada. In fact my Mom would intentionally try to change the subject when I called to ask if something I was planning would be okay with her, since she was funding most of it. I could barely get her to listen to me and she was forking out thousands of dollars for the day!

So cherish the people who do put you on a pedestal during this time, but try not to feel too let down when others don’t. At the end of the day it really is just about you and your new husband, so focus on making him happy and you will have a happy life.

Post # 4
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I was in a similar situation too.  I’m not sure if it was because our wedding date was so far away- we we’re engaged in Dec 2009 and wedding not until Nov 2011?  Or was it because we had already been together for 9 years? We didn’t get too many “congratulations” it was more “it’s about time” or “what took so long”.  For the first 6 months no mention on any sort of ideas or planning and when it was FINALLY discussed future in-laws thought it would be best that we use the money we saved (oh btw, we were not to look to them for any financial support towards the wedding) should be used and buy a house.  And if we TRULY wanted to have a wedding to have a destination wedding!

So not recieving any support I decided to call off my imaginary wedding UNTIL my best friend told me this was OUR day and if they didn’t want to be a part of it then it was their loss.  That made me feel a bit better, but you can’t help but to feel disappointed that your FAMILY isn’t the one giving you this positive re-inforcement.  So when I spoke to my sister and my mom to tell them i was just gonna elope because i wasn’t getting support or positive vibes from the family, they were actually shocked and sad.  My sister said she had a lot going on but would definetly be there and my mom said she didn’t know i felt that way and was sorry.

Things are much better now, now that I’ve put aside how people are NOT re-acting.  I realized that this has been mine and every little girls dream and “come hell or high water” I am going to have my wedding!

ModernDaisy is right, you definetly have to cherish those who have step up.  And at the end of day it will be you and your husband….

Cheer up Smile

 

Post # 5
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think that the most important piece that was mentioned above is that no one will care as much about your wedding as you will, which is something that I try to remind myself time and again throughout this process.  So many times vendors did not return my calls or emails and friends got busy in their own lives and months on end not a word was said about weddings.  One saving Grace for me was my fiance who listened, and picked out wedding related stuff, and gave his opinion and was generally there for me and in the end that is enough for me, that the man that I am marrying is just as invested, just as excited, and just as happy about our wedding day. 

With that said, I didn’t really feel like a bride until March 2011 (my wedding is in June 2011)  In march there were parties planned related to our wedding and for once I actually got that feeling!!  People were interested in the planning and so congratulatory to us.  I know that you said no one is really interested in planning these things for you but really your date is June 2012 so no one really even has these parties on their radar yet.  Wait until after new years 2012 and I am sure that you will see the excitment building in other people a bit more πŸ™‚

Post # 6
Bee
6473 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011 - Sydney, Australia

We have had a long engagement too – and I have only recently started feeling like a bride (two months to go!). My advice: don’t make big decisions (bridal party, etc) too early – because you’d be surprised how much things can change in 18 months. Deep breaths!

Post # 8
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow, erm, it’s weird as I feel like I’m in the same boat as you!! I also got engaged in august 2010 and am getting married in June 2012. My elder sister was excited at first, as I wanted her to be a Bridesmaid. She’s now 5 months pregnant and couldn’t care less about my wedding. My mum isn’t entirely thrilled as she says that we’re rushing into it (even though at the time of the wedding we’ll have been together almost 5 years). My Maid/Matron of Honor and best friend is the most supportive person of the whole wedding, but is going off to University on the other side of the country in September this year, so she won’t be around to have the kind of input I’d like her to have.

The most important thing to remember, I suppose, is that if people aren’t interested in your wedding then they’ll be the ones missing out. Your family and friends will miss one of the most important days of your lives, but it shouldn’t stop you and your FH from being happy. You’ve got the rest of your lives together, so it’s down to them if they don’t want to be a part of the magic. 

It sounds like your family and friends (just like mine) need a good kick up the backside πŸ˜€ x

Post # 9
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

First – we’re date twins!!! 2nd- sorry you’re having to deal with this!  I really think when it gets closer, people will start letting go of their issues and getting excited.  Nobody is really excited for us right now either because it seems so far away.  People will always be more interested their own lives, at least that’s what I’ve experienced.  It sucks, yes, but try getting as excited about your life as they seem to be about their own and they will notice!

Post # 10
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

The silver lining is that people who can get excited for you, may not come to your wedding, which while a little sad means a small intimate gathering of people that really love and support your new marriage. It also means it could be less expensive, more money for the honeymoon or house. 

I am so sorry that you don’t feel special, you are so special that your future husband wants to spend the rest of his life loving you πŸ™‚ It can’t get more special than that. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Yep, same here.

My parents are pretty cool about asking questions and being supportive, but FI’s parents really, really suck. The weekend we announced our plans of an intimate family ceremony and an adult reception to his parents I don’t think I was hugged or told congratulations once- every conversation was based on his middle sister: Oh no, what is X going to say about not having her 2 year old invited. Where is X going to stay?  Who is going to watch X’s 2 year old (any of the 18 relatives they live by) How is X going to get here? Do you think X will ride with someone?  CAN YOU PLEASE CHOOSE THE APPROPRIATE CHILD TO BE FOCUSED ON THIS ONCE?!?! I should have expected it from these two very emotionally stunted people, but it still hurt that they couldn’t be excited for at least a few minutes since they naaaagged us to get married this year when we said several times that we couldn’t afford it.

And the wedding contribution that was offered a month before was suddenly no longer on the table because “they didn’t think we’d need it.” Old people in small towns will never understand how expensive weddings (even small ones) in big towns are, even if you SHOW them the numbers.  Thank you, future inlaws, for guessing about our financial situation and then rescinding a gift. And thank you for making your favorite daughter the focus of our upcoming wedding.

 

hugs to you, OP, sorry about my tangent.

Post # 12
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I totally can relate to that feeling that no one else cares. I feel pretty alone in the planning and excitement much of the time. My Fiance cares, but he is often tired cuz he has to work the graveyard shift at his job. My FI’s family does not act like they are very excited for us though which is quite disappointing, My Fiance talked to them and they claim they are happy for us, but they just don’t communicate much with us and act like they are overjoyed. They didn’t even ask to see my ring when we first got engaged and most other people I talked to did ask. Also, FI’s sister is a huge bitch and her first comment when she found out we were engaged was centered around her. She said “well, if you were getting married next year maybe I’d be able to make the wedding!” Also, my sister who has been trying to have a baby for years just announced that she’s pregnant (it’s due 1 month before we get married) and while we’re happy for her and all, I feel like she’s taking some of the excitement away from our wedding.

I only really have one relatively close girlfriend and I practically had to ask her to throw us a wedding shower which I feel rather guilty about, but I’m really greatful that she’s doing it for us even though she’s a busy person. I’d be surprised if I got a bachelorette party too, but she claims she is gonna have one for me.

Fiance and I decided not to have a wedding party since we’re going to Vegas and would rather it be just us, plus we aren’t close with that many other people.

I know it’s kinda awkward and not really traditional, but I’d suggest reaching out to others for help and letting them know how you feel. It worked for us with the wedding shower. Sometimes people get caught up in their own lives and don’t realize you need help.

Post # 13
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

You know, I’m so glad you started this thread. I think *SO* many brides feel this way. I suspect it’s actually a minority of brides who get the gushing that we all anticipate — I don’t know, maybe those who live close to their single-but-dating friends? I think a couple of my college friends who got married 1-2 years after graduation did have the oohs and aahs, the ring displays, the multiple showers, etc. But every couple I’ve known who got married after that, or didn’t have that situation, felt a little bit like “huh? where’s all the excitment?”

When we got engaged, his parents showed way more interest than mine. Mine were the typical Indian parents, “No!! We’re losing our ooonly daaaaughter! How awful!” but his mom said she loved us and was so excited and started picking out household items to give us. My girl friends, many of whom didn’t have anyone in their lives and didn’t live in the same state, were happy for me but also I think sad for themselves, you know?

And somehow a wedding makes many people’s manners go out the window. They think that it’s like a giant show that you’re putting on for them, and that it should be done without their help but at their convenience. They tell you what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and then expect you to pay for it all!!

I resolved that if the vibes got negative enough, I would elope, even though my FH wanted the wedding. And I have to admit, even though people are excited now (a month from the wedding) after very little excitement for the 2 yr engagement, there are STILL days when I wish we were eloping instead.

Anyway, (((HUGS FROM THE BEES!! WE KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH)))

Post # 14
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It’s nice to find a place where you are going to be hacked for being a bridezilla and able to share your feelings on pre-wedding subjects.

I’m in the same boat about feeling feeling unimportant.  When my FH and I got engaged, we were both really excited about moving to the next level but from friends and family they didn’t seem to share the same excitement.

We both come from blended families which hasn’t been easy in the planning process.  It’s almost as if it becomes less your wedding and more of your family’s wedding.  I’ll admit, not everything has been totally horrible in the experience of pre-wedding planning but there has been some rough moments.

What started what I call the nightmare is when my mother was adamant on us inviting my aunts, uncles and cousins to our wedding.  We want to have a small wedding so we aren’t in debt, and adding just her side of the family meant adding 20 people to our guest list.  When I tried to make contact with my mother’s side of the family, they didn’t say anything for about 6 months, and I felt like “Why should I invite people I haven’t seen in 20 years and whom don’t even call on birthdays or any other special events?” – I just got fed up with the lack of communication and the fact that they weren’t showing any interest that when they finally said something after we had already finalized our guest list, I told them they weren’t invited.  Granted, it will probably be one of those moments where I will have to eat my words later on, but they have never shown up for anything else because it’s never convienent for them, yet we always are expected to pay the big money to go see them. (I’m talking $1200 each for a flight to go see them).

To make matters worse, one of my FH groomsmen is doing everything possible to be difficult.  He never showed up to our engagement party, he said he would a week prior to the event but because it was a theme party and he said 2 days before the event “he was not the dress up type” – it’s not like people had to dress up if you know what I mean.  This groomsmen and I got into a fight because he was too cowardly to tell my FH why he wasn’t coming, so I told him he should be the one to tell my FH not me, so when he did finally contact my FH, he told him that “I” was the one who was making it difficult for him to attend and didn’t say anything about him not wanting to dress up. Needless to say, he told me that “from now on, anything to do with our wedding should come from my FH, not me”.  That was the most hurtful thing I have ever heard – who does he think plans the wedding?

Then we come to my lovely sister, who had to step down from being a bridesmaid because she found out she was pregnant and she would only have 4 months to lose baby fat after my niece was born and didn’t want to be a spectical at our wedding.  I hope no one else has to deal with a jealous sister, but it makes it hard when it is your family and you kind of expect them to share the same joy as you.  I had asked her if my niece (although would only be 12 weeks old at the time of our wedding) if she would be our flower girl… I thought not only would it be nice to include my sister in the wedding still but to also have my niece as a flower girl.  Granted, my niece wouldn’t be able to walk down the aisle, but I thought my sister could carry her down with a little basket and my sister could throw out the flowers.  Apparently, I misunderstood our conversation, because I thought she was ok with this and I made an announcement that I was excited my niece was going to be a flower girl.

A few days later, I receive a horrible email from my sister stating “Your niece is not going to be a flower girl.  She is an unborn child who will be all of 12 weeks of age when you are getting married.  She will not be dressed up, propped up, have flowers and bows stuck to her like some kind of doll – all to satisfy some warped idea you have of how this is meant to play out.  And I’m sorry to be frank, but it is warped.” – I think there was a better way of saying what she said but this is how it this particular event played out.

When I did finally get chance to talk to her on the phone again after this email (she lives in Austraila), she did nothing but play down my wedding… she asked me for hotel information for the wedding and I told her it was in the invitations, she told me she didn’t have time to open it.  After my Maid/Matron of Honor and I spent an hour on each invitation, she told me that she was going to have REAL DIY invitations for her wedding in 2012.  She knows my FH and I are on a limited budget of only $10,000 for our entire wedding and she goes to tell me that her open bar and venue alone was costing them $10,000 (yet she is marrying into money so obviously she will be able to afford something like that) – it just made me feel compared to and it hurt alot.  So I got upset with her and told her that she has been nothing but nasty to me this whole process, just tearing strips into me and just being outright mean to me.  She put the play on that she didn’t realize I hated her so much and basically just manipulated the whole situation where it wasn’t her fault anymore.  Firstly, I never told her I hated her once, it’s just the way she can turn the situation around.

Needless to say, we haven’t spoken for over a month, and she nor her FH called me when my niece was born on April 5, 2011 – so I’m being punished for all of this.  The way I look at is, no matter if we are not getting along or not, when a child is born and especially a niece or nephew, we don’t have to be friends with each other, but you put those things aside when it comes to important events like a birth of a child.

As for our blended family, both sides aren’t getting along with each other, so its always a question of who’s sitting where, etc.

Other than all of this, finally with 4 months to go till our wedding, even though I just vented about all of this, I am finally at somewhat peace with the hurtful things that have happened.  My bridesmaids took me on a surprise vacation to Las Vegas for my bachelorette just last week and it was a well needed getaway where I didn’t think once about all this drama.  For once, I felt very special and I was spoiled rotten while we were down there.

So, it does make a difference when you surround yourself around people who actually share the same excitement as you do about your special day, and as for the others who try to make things difficult, I always say, “Lower your standards of people, and if they do something bad, lower them even further”.

And sorry for my rant, but it felt good to be able to speak freely in a safe place!

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