Post # 1
<div>My fiance and I got into a disagreement today and I’m feeling really unappreciated. He doesn’t seem to see anything that I do to keep the house and life running smoothly. And doesn’t take the initiative to do any of the things that I do on an regular basis. Its becoming frustrating because he wont even acknowledge or appreciate that I do these things. When I bring up my feelings, he is just content with not much interest in changing the dynamics of things. I want to know should I be expecting more of him? I feel like he should be helping more with the household and duties around our kids whom are biologically his. </div>
<div>works full time
<div>gets boys dressed and breakfast at least 5 days a week</div>
<div>does all dentist/dr appts/school meetings/cleaning services</div>
<div>remind him to schedule his appts (and he doesn’t) </div>
<div>makes sure to log in or send payment for 90% of our bills. </div>
<div>dinner/ plans all meals/ call all takeout or orders online</div>
<div>make sure the boys take baths weekly (I remind, he helps)</div>
<div>dishes (ask him to empty dishwasher daily, has to remind him constantly, most times I just do it myself) </div>
<div>laundry for myself and boys</div>
<div>bathroom at times</div>
<div>make sure to pay daycare</div>
<div>makes sure to send change of clothes to school/day and all items needed </div>
<div>makes sure to send all forms back to school/any places needed</div>
<div>calls in all service appts/pays all bills.</div>
<div>all communication/invoicing/<wbr />preparing of packages for our small business </div>
<div>makes grocery lists</div>
<div>remembers all school or daycare closings/half days and arranges childcare</div>
<div>plans all birthday parties/buys all supplies/sends invites/handles rsvp – usually he sits at the parties and socialize with family while I chase after our kids. </div>
<div>check on boys in the middle of the night (diaper changing, bathroom runs)</div>
<div>diagnosing house issues </div>
<div>changing bed sheets/washing sheets/pillow cases </div>
<div>signs kids up for activities</div>
<div>look for family activities to do during the week/end</div>
<div>book all family vacations </div>
<div>plan all dates and birthday dinners for us (I’ve asked him to plan dates, birthday dinners for me, etc and he never has). </div>
<div>works full time</div>
<div>gets the boys dressed/breakfast 1-2 times a week</div>
<div>brings in groceries</div>
<div>takes out trash</div>
<div>cleans up toys in living room area</div>
<div>does own laundry</div>
<div>spends 1 hour a week with our business. </div>
Post # 2
When you tell him that you are feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated, what does he say? Do you kind of complain to him, or are you actually sitting him down and saying “This is a big problem for me, and if we don’t fix it, our relationship is going to be damaged”? I know you said that he is “content with the dynamic”, but does he acknowledge that your feelings are valid? If not, there is a huge problem here.
A household should be a 50/50 split. Doesn’t matter if you’re the one who takes out the garbage, and he cooks, whatever duties that are assigned should be agreed to and completed mutually.
ETA: If you tell him explicitly “I really need you to do these things to help me out” and he blatantly ignores you or brushes that off, it would be a complete and utter dealbreaker for me. No way, now how would that be going down in our house. It’s OUR house, OUR kids, and I’m your wife asking you to do the bare minimum, so if he didn’t step up, there’d be major problems.
Post # 3
I mean, the obvious question is why are you doing it all and why isn’t he pulling his own weight? He isn’t going to appreciate you doing all those tasks if he thinks it’s your job and he will continue to think it’s your job if you are just automatically taking care of it all.
Post # 4
It isn’t clear from your post, are the children yours, his, or joint children?
Post # 5
You should look up emotional labour. While I dont think most of these are a big deal, I understand that all the little things sure add up quick! Sorry you are feeling overwhelmed bee!
Side note – i dont have kids; are you supposed to send them to school with extra clothes? I had no idea that wwas a thing.
Post # 6
I don’t have kids either, but I’d imagine if they’re small and it’s a day care, accidents happen so having an extra set of clothes might be needed.
Post # 7
talk to him. Communicate to him that you need him to participate more in the day to day household chores. Stop doing it all yourself. Make a list of everything that needs to be done and then sit down and talk about who will deal with what responsibilities.
Nip this in the bud ASAP or the resentment will kill your relationship.
I always worried about being a nagging wife and instead of confronting it head on, I just took on everything. Guess what? The more you enable the behavior, the worse it will get.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery
Do you ask him for help? A lot of men legit have NO clue what we do just to keep everything afloat. My DH is like that but if I give him specific directions, he is more than happy to help. Yes, it’s extremely annoying to direct a human adult and it makes me feel like a nag at times. But, if I don’t ask for what I specially need, I won’t get help because he isn’t a mind reader.
If your DH is ignoring your requests, then that’s another issue.