(Closed) Feeling Unappreciated

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 18
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I hope he gets it too. Take extra good care of yourself when you feel like you’re stuck in a “spin” and try to get out of the masculine role as soon as you can and as often as you can, if you’re not comfortable with that.  If he is indeed used to you taking the lead on stuff, he may be confused that you’re not doing so regarding marriage…is my only concern.

Post # 20
302 posts
Helper bee

I think nobody can blame you for the way you feel.  i have been dating my SO for 4.5 years and I get green with envy at weddings/when I hear of proposals–I can only imagine how it is at 8.  It doesnt mean I am not happy for them, and I am sure you were happy for his family! But nobody can get mad at you for feeling the way you do.  It sounds like you waited for a better, more private moment to talk to your SO, which is totally respectable.  I think what is unfair in this situation is your SO not being as sensitive to your needs.  He knows how you feel about weddings and even if he wanted to drink, he should have tried to include you more to get your mind off of it a little.  If he is saying he will do it, why hasn’t he yet? I know us waiting chicks are supposed to put on a happy face in these situations, but there is a breaking point, so I don’t blame you, girl! As long as the bride has no clue you were upset then it doesnt matter! Now hopefully your man will get on the ball…

Post # 21
1393 posts
Bumble bee

I think for both your own sanity and to keep from nagging him incessantly you need to have a serious chat about a timeline and expectations. Dropping hints can seem like a good idea and it’s more passive, but it also doesn’t get you the answers you need so you’re likely going to keep pestering until he submits and proposes or you get into a fight about it. You can have a serious conversation without being pushy.

Pick a time when you’re both relaxed, like after dinner or right before bed. Tell him that you know that it will happen eventually but that without a year/month in mind it’s hard to not help but feel anxious and worried. Maybe ask him when he sees you getting engaged and when he sees you getting married. Make sure to communicate to him how much time you will need for planning, and that if he’s thinking a June 2012 wedding you have to start planing in just a few months. If you can nail down a time frame (Fall 2011 or Summer 2012 etc.) you can go from there. Men seriously do not understand how long this all takes, and as much as we like to drop hints, they need it in front of them in plain english.

If you can extract from him a season and year, you’re well on your way. If it’s Fall 2011, tell him you have to plan immediately and that you can wait a bit for a ring but you’ll need to start the process right away. If it’s Winter 2011/2012, tell him you should really start planning soon and you’d like to be engaged before the end of the year. See what he says and go with that. Avoid any words like ‘soon’ because they are so vague they give you no answers! If he says soon ask him to put ‘soon’ into context. Is ‘soon’ within 6 months or is ‘soon’ within 5 years? After 8.5 years I don’t think you have to be careful, he owes you at least a straight answer!

Post # 23
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I feel for you, toots!  I know how frustrating it can be to be with someone for so long without an engagement.  Me and mine have been together for almost 11 years now and, like you, for a lot of that time it wasn’t really practical to think about getting married.  We were teenagers, then in college, etc.  I think the ring is coming soon, but it’s been so hard to wait this long.

After a lot of talks with my SO, I’m finally getting it through my head that a lot of guys don’t have the same sense of urgency about engagement and marriage that we do.  They might know that you’re The One and that they do want to marry you…. at some point.  But in their heads (or at least in my SO’s head), what’s the rush?  It doesn’t make much sense to me; my point of view has always been – we’re in love, so why are we waiting?  But I’ve had to accept that that’s how he feels and that’s what I have to work with.

So keep in mind that this is about him, too – not just about what you tell him to do and what you feel entitled to (as your first post said).  I agree with @artichokey about having a quiet discussion about what you BOTH want.  From the tone of your posts, I wonder if you’re coming on a little strong by telling him again and again what YOU want.  You might be putting him off by acting like you’re entitled to whatever you want in exchange for all that you’ve done for the relationship.  

If you can agree with him on a time frame that you’re both comfortable with (in somewhat concrete terms – “soon” is definitely not satisfying!), then sit back and just try to trust him and look forward to it.  In my case, it’s been hard, but it has helped keep an even keel in the relationship to just keep my worries between me and my closest girlfriends (and the WeddingBee boards) and try to trust that he’ll keep to the time frame he told me.  The last time I brought up how impatient I was, he asked if we could just shelve the topic for awhile.  He told me that he did have a plan, and he wanted us both to be excited without me worrying and nagging about it all the time. Hopefully if your Boyfriend or Best Friend realizes that you’re both on the same page and that you trust him, he’ll feel more inclined to get the ball rolling on his end.

Good luck!

Post # 25
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Oh I’m sure he can feel it. Sometimes guys can be more perceptive than we give them credit for.

I understand getting upset at the wedding. Waiting can be SO HARD and moments like that can seem like rubbing salt in the wound.

If waiting is causing this kind of resentment to build up, to the point of affecting your relationship…I agree a direct talk with him is long overdue.  The hinting, etc seems safer but it’s really not the best way to communicate.

We all appreciate when someone is direct with us.  Even if he doesn’t want to deal with it/hear it, it’s better to hear it clearly than to beat around the bush. That’s just my opinion.

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