Post # 17
Haha – good call.
I think I’m going through waves of emotions here. I think part of the problem is my SO and I need to do more couple activities. It’s hard because eben though we live together, he works long hours and on weekends, so we rarely get a time to go out on dates. I feel we need to reconnect and perhaps all my aforementioned issues will be easier to work through.
Arrggghhh! waiting is the worst ever! i feel so out of control over this situation. I know people have suggested that I ask him, but I feel like because I have been an a masculine role of brezdwinner for a few years, that he may feel emasculated by me asking him. it’s a lose-lose situation! besides, I don’t want to do that anyhow, not my style. I have giving hints about rings to him in addition toa bold chat weeks ago, so hopefully he gets the picture 😉
Post # 18
I hope he gets it too. Take extra good care of yourself when you feel like you’re stuck in a “spin” and try to get out of the masculine role as soon as you can and as often as you can, if you’re not comfortable with that. If he is indeed used to you taking the lead on stuff, he may be confused that you’re not doing so regarding marriage…is my only concern.
Post # 19
I’m feeling stuck in a rut again. We just got back from a trip to California to attend my SO’s bro’s wedding. The couple are older than us, but we have been together 3.5 years longer then them. Needless to say I was miserable all week. I can’t help but feel green with envy. The entire time, I was like, this should have been me. After 8.5 years I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell him to propose and that’s what I did all week! He has never said no and says he will do it but I am an impatient person to begin with and the wait is making me sick to my stomach on a weekly basis.
What really set me off was the wedding itself. My SO, who is a party animal at times, got massively wasted. So much so that he was too busy being the life of the party to hang out with his date, me. I barely saw him all night. So after the wedding at the after party, I basically told him not to forget about my existence and that I was sat with his mother all night while he was off being the party animal. I was super upset and started to tear up because a) his behaviour upset me, b)i had a few glasses of wine in my system, and c) it was approaching that time of the month so I was feeling super sensitive. He was like, ‘I’m wasted’ and did apologise and then stayed in closer proximity to me all night. But now, I feel bad because I had an outburst at his bro’s wedding, but I couldn’t help how i felt 🙁 I don’t want to be known as ruining his good times at the wedding (although seemingly i didn’t as we were aok afterwards), and now i feel super guilty about my behaviour. waiting is really taking a toll on me these days and its starting to manifest into my relationship. What should I do? How would you react to this situation?
Post # 20
I think nobody can blame you for the way you feel. i have been dating my SO for 4.5 years and I get green with envy at weddings/when I hear of proposals–I can only imagine how it is at 8. It doesnt mean I am not happy for them, and I am sure you were happy for his family! But nobody can get mad at you for feeling the way you do. It sounds like you waited for a better, more private moment to talk to your SO, which is totally respectable. I think what is unfair in this situation is your SO not being as sensitive to your needs. He knows how you feel about weddings and even if he wanted to drink, he should have tried to include you more to get your mind off of it a little. If he is saying he will do it, why hasn’t he yet? I know us waiting chicks are supposed to put on a happy face in these situations, but there is a breaking point, so I don’t blame you, girl! As long as the bride has no clue you were upset then it doesnt matter! Now hopefully your man will get on the ball…
Post # 21
I think for both your own sanity and to keep from nagging him incessantly you need to have a serious chat about a timeline and expectations. Dropping hints can seem like a good idea and it’s more passive, but it also doesn’t get you the answers you need so you’re likely going to keep pestering until he submits and proposes or you get into a fight about it. You can have a serious conversation without being pushy.
Pick a time when you’re both relaxed, like after dinner or right before bed. Tell him that you know that it will happen eventually but that without a year/month in mind it’s hard to not help but feel anxious and worried. Maybe ask him when he sees you getting engaged and when he sees you getting married. Make sure to communicate to him how much time you will need for planning, and that if he’s thinking a June 2012 wedding you have to start planing in just a few months. If you can nail down a time frame (Fall 2011 or Summer 2012 etc.) you can go from there. Men seriously do not understand how long this all takes, and as much as we like to drop hints, they need it in front of them in plain english.
If you can extract from him a season and year, you’re well on your way. If it’s Fall 2011, tell him you have to plan immediately and that you can wait a bit for a ring but you’ll need to start the process right away. If it’s Winter 2011/2012, tell him you should really start planning soon and you’d like to be engaged before the end of the year. See what he says and go with that. Avoid any words like ‘soon’ because they are so vague they give you no answers! If he says soon ask him to put ‘soon’ into context. Is ‘soon’ within 6 months or is ‘soon’ within 5 years? After 8.5 years I don’t think you have to be careful, he owes you at least a straight answer!
Post # 22
Thanks for the support. Yes, indeed I was happy for his family, but being jealous did prevent me from gushing over them in the way that I would have normally. And, no, the bride did not know about the outburst – no one did, it happened when we were alone and he was having a smoke outside the bar where the afterparty was occuring. Everyone else was inside being rowdy lol!
thanks for the support and advice. After 8.5 years I need an answer!
Post # 23
I feel for you, toots! I know how frustrating it can be to be with someone for so long without an engagement. Me and mine have been together for almost 11 years now and, like you, for a lot of that time it wasn’t really practical to think about getting married. We were teenagers, then in college, etc. I think the ring is coming soon, but it’s been so hard to wait this long.
After a lot of talks with my SO, I’m finally getting it through my head that a lot of guys don’t have the same sense of urgency about engagement and marriage that we do. They might know that you’re The One and that they do want to marry you…. at some point. But in their heads (or at least in my SO’s head), what’s the rush? It doesn’t make much sense to me; my point of view has always been – we’re in love, so why are we waiting? But I’ve had to accept that that’s how he feels and that’s what I have to work with.
So keep in mind that this is about him, too – not just about what you tell him to do and what you feel entitled to (as your first post said). I agree with @artichokey about having a quiet discussion about what you BOTH want. From the tone of your posts, I wonder if you’re coming on a little strong by telling him again and again what YOU want. You might be putting him off by acting like you’re entitled to whatever you want in exchange for all that you’ve done for the relationship.
If you can agree with him on a time frame that you’re both comfortable with (in somewhat concrete terms – “soon” is definitely not satisfying!), then sit back and just try to trust him and look forward to it. In my case, it’s been hard, but it has helped keep an even keel in the relationship to just keep my worries between me and my closest girlfriends (and the WeddingBee boards) and try to trust that he’ll keep to the time frame he told me. The last time I brought up how impatient I was, he asked if we could just shelve the topic for awhile. He told me that he did have a plan, and he wanted us both to be excited without me worrying and nagging about it all the time. Hopefully if your Boyfriend or Best Friend realizes that you’re both on the same page and that you trust him, he’ll feel more inclined to get the ball rolling on his end.
Post # 24
Thanks for the words of advice. Just to clarify, I have never said to my SO that I feel entiled to anything, ever. That’s just how I actually feel about my predicament, he does not know this however 🙂
Post # 25
Oh I’m sure he can feel it. Sometimes guys can be more perceptive than we give them credit for.
I understand getting upset at the wedding. Waiting can be SO HARD and moments like that can seem like rubbing salt in the wound.
If waiting is causing this kind of resentment to build up, to the point of affecting your relationship…I agree a direct talk with him is long overdue. The hinting, etc seems safer but it’s really not the best way to communicate.
We all appreciate when someone is direct with us. Even if he doesn’t want to deal with it/hear it, it’s better to hear it clearly than to beat around the bush. That’s just my opinion.